Good Vs Evil

Tonight I went to a candlelight vigil to remember and pray for the victims of the tragedy that took place in Newtown, Connecticut this past week, and their families. Seeing a variety of faces there gave me comfort that people have not lost their faith after such a tragic incident. However, some of the words I have overheard during this week got me thinking, “If there was a God, why would he allow something this terrible to happen?”

                I hope I don’t offend anyone with this post, but this is pure opinion. Anyway, I think that all people are blessed with good and cursed with evil, but it is up to us to control it. If there is a higher power, a God, I don’t think he controls our thoughts and actions – he gives us the ability to think and act for ourselves.

                Tragedies such as this are heartbreaking, but if you are one with faith, please don’t lose it. Pray that someone is looking after the victims and watching over their families. Remember the miracles we see as well as the tragedies. And pray that people are able to distinguish between their good and their evil and act accordingly.

Pet Peeve #29 – Hurricanes

Are you excited? You got a day off school and now you want to go to the liquor store? You want to throw a party? You want to get swept off your feet? That’s romantic, but I’m not talking about romance. I’m talking about the strongest winds you’ve ever experienced literally pushing you to the ground. If that’s not enough to wipe that smile off your face, I’m sure a tree falling and landing on your head can.

                Do people hate school that much? So much that the danger and the pain that hurricane Sandy has the potential to bring actually brings you happiness? Wouldn’t you rather just be warm in class for 100 minutes today and know that no one died and no lives were ruined? Didn’t we just have two days off of school? It’s called a weekend, there’s one at the end of every week. It gives us a much needed break from work and school, a chance to relax after five days of focus. Are you telling me you needed an extra day off so bad that you are celebrating by jumping into the pond during a hurricane? Is life that hard right now? If it is, I feel for you, I really do. But take a moment to think about what you’re celebrating. Nobody was smiling during Katrina.

Crazy Scale

My associates and I have observed quite a significant increase in crazy over the past few weeks/months/years. This outbreak of crazy begs the question – just how hot do you have to be for your crazy to be put up with? The crazy to sexy ratio is much more important for us to know than say, the inventory turnover ratio. Thus the research has been done to inform the uninformed, refresh the absent-minded, and possibly save lives.

                The above graph shows various ratios of crazy to sexy. The descriptions of what each of these lines show is below.

                The red line is the most undesirable of the crazies. This person is sinfully ugly and equally as crazy. How do they expect to meet anyone when they look the way they do and act just as unfortunately? I don’t know. I also don’t know how they justify their level of crazy. Perhaps looking like a mashed banana takes its toll on one’s psyche.

                The green line is the polar opposite of the red line. This person’s sexiness is off the chart, with only a small amount of crazy. What is this small and acceptable amount of crazy? It’s a kind of crazy which allows somebody to take risks and be adventurous – allowing for small sacrifice and a lot of fun in the bedroom. I’d call anyone with a ratio like this a keeper. It is, however, a crying shame that someone like this is about as rare as the signature of William Shakespeare.

                The black line is what most of us encounter. This is what I like to call the onefer phenomenon. Onefer refers to the one for one trend that this line follows. If you are a 1 on a sexy scale of 1 to 10, you will have a matching level of 1 on the crazy scale. This phenomenon says that the more physically attractive someone is to you, the higher the level of crazy you are willing to put up with. In this case, if you are dating someone who is so sexy they are off the chart, beware of their crazy. If you are unfaithful, you may wake up without body parts.

                I hope this helps all the people out there with super high standards who do not realize why they can only meet crazy people. No one has a crazy level of absolute zero, so if you are looking for that, invent a skygrill so you can cook me some bacon when pigs fly. Do yourself a favor and print this graph, stick it in your wallet instead of the photo of your partner, and remind yourself to keep your expectations at a realistic level.

Pet Peeve #28 - Social Headphones

I am particularly dissatisfied with the gradual deconstruction of manners and social etiquette that I see on a day to day basis. I love music. It is quite literally something that I don’t think I could live without. Obviously I won’t just die if I can’t listen to music, but my will to live without music just doesn't exist. However, there is a time and a place for the privilege of music.

                Being a college student, I rarely get the chance to eat a meal alone. And being a human being (a social creature) I enjoy good conversation with almost anyone. So when I go to the dining hall to eat, I expect some table conversation. Since birth, almost every meal I’ve eaten has been in a social setting and verbal communication (when mouths are unfilled) is generally involved. I never once came to the family dinner table at home with my headphones on. Why? Because I can’t hear anything when I’m listening to music, and my mother would've beat my ass if I was bold enough to pull a stunt like that. I think that generally, most people can relate to that.

                So why is it now that I am at college I am surrounded by people listening to their music at every meal of every day? How can I see a table of 10 people, none of whom are talking to each other?  What is the point of even sitting with your friends? Sometimes I might be in the dining hall before my friends get there and I will sit down and eat by myself. Suddenly someone will come and sit with me, because obviously it would be rude to ignore me and go sit somewhere else. On the contrary! I think it is actually ruder of you to sit down across from me without unplugging yourself, without saying a single word, without recognizing the simplest of social conventions – conversation. If you can’t muster up the energy/strength/courage/confidence/etiquette to talk to me because you would rather just listen to your music – don’t sit with me. 

Emotional Fluffer

What is a fluffer? A fluffer is a position on a pornography set. The fluffer is employed to keep the talent aroused. Their duties do not always involve touching the stars, but will often involve fellatio or non-penetrative sex. I like to think of a fluffer as a middle man; the kingpin (Talent #1) doesn’t work the corner, they have dealers (the middle man, or fluffer) move the product to the client (Talent #2). If this metaphor doesn’t make sense to you, you’re either not from where I’m from, or you haven’t watched enough movies.

                So how can a fluffer be put into an emotional context? An emotional fluffer is someone (most likely male) who gets a woman emotionally ready for a strictly sexual encounter. Why would a woman need someone like this? Women generally tend to find it harder to separate sex and emotion, so if they find themselves in a “friends with benefits” relationship, they may find it hard to continue with it since there is no emotional aspect. *Enter fluffer* A fluffer is a friend (male) who will get the woman ready (fluff her up) for her sexual encounter by being a boyfriend without the benefits – how ironic. He will hang out with her, eat meals with her, disclose personal information, talk on the phone late at night, fantasize about her, and never even get so much as a kiss. Basically, he will date her so she feels like she there is an emotional aspect to the meaningless sex she will have later with another man.

                Men do not choose to be fluffers, they get appointed to be fluffers, against their will, beyond their comprehension. They do not realize they are a fluffer until they get told by an upstanding citizen who has been observing from a distance for far too long – a true friend. However, it is often too late at this point and the fluffer has caught feelings. The fluffer, confused, must at this point refuse to fluff anymore, but must resist the urge to request to be more than a fluffer. If he catches feelings, why wouldn’t he try to go for what he wants? Because the woman in this situation has not made an executive decision to obtain a fluffer, she has done it subconsciously in an attempt not to lose self-respect for what she perceives to be promiscuous behavior.

               On this subconscious level, the woman is likely attracted to her fluffer, both emotionally and physically. However, she is unable to come to this realization, as she is unable to separate sex and emotion. So as long as she is having sex with the friend with benefits, the fluffer will remain insignificant. Consequently, as long as she is not having sex with the fluffer, she will not realize the emotional connection that they probably share.

                How can she not realize that she is not only unhappy if she has sex without the fluffer, but she is only emotionally satisfied when the fluffer is around to keep her “aroused”? If she just embraced the emotional connection, and added the sexual component, it seems as if she would have herself the recipe for a great romantic relationship. This is true. This is also where she would say something like “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Fluffing ruins friendships. Less fluff, more luff (love…. Ugh).

Pet Peeve #27 – Speaker Phone

Sure, the invention of speaker phone looks good on paper, but whoever invented it forgot that people are obnoxious, self-righteous, assholes.

                When is speaker phone supposed to be used? Maybe when you’ve got your hands full. For example; you’re cooking in the kitchen and you’re holding a bowl with one hand and stirring with the other, your phone is on the bench and you can hear and respond to the conversation. When do people use speaker phone? *Clears throat, suggesting an extensive list is about to be announced* On the bus, in the mall, while everyone is trying to watch Sunday night football, in the airport, at the theatre, on the street, in restaurants, in bed while your wife is listening, in the office, in class, in the library, in church, at wedding receptions, during the national anthem, during intercourse, in business meetings, and just about any inappropriate channel.

              Not only is the location often inappropriate, but the timing and attitude of it. “Speaker phone can have an attitude?” you ask. Yes, it can have an attitude, and it makes me sick. What is the deal with people calling someone and letting it ring on loud speaker, and then putting the phone to their ear when the call is picked up? Why don’t you just yell out, “HEY EVERYONE! I’M MAKING A PHONE CALL!” Isn’t that the same thing? I’ve got an idea, and excuse me if I’m speaking out of line, but how about you use the speaker phone function for its intended purpose? As always, helping you – help yourself.

Strike Face

The strike face is something I have known about for quite some time but have not known how to communicate. Since I now have a name for it, it is easier to describe in a way that all of you can relate to.

                I have gone bowling twice in the past month, and to be honest, I have been on top of my game. Last time I went was with my basketball team and we competed in teams of five. Glancing across at the other lanes I saw victory dances, heard obnoxious cheers of joy and encouragement, and felt the floor rumble with the falling of balls and pins. When I saw ten pins fall and the ‘strike’ sign appear on the scoreboard, I would look at the bowler only to see a face all too familiar to anyone who has ever been bowling; the strike face.

                Why am I writing about bowling all of a sudden? Have I found a new talent? Hardly. Have I found a new hobby? Probably not. Can I relate this to sex and relationships? You bet your ass I can.

                The strike face is a face showing much accomplishment, maybe even an increased sense of self-worth. It looks absolutely ridiculous. It is a cheesy grin which has failed to be hidden behind the lips of the proud. After a strike, amateur bowlers feel a pride much like that of William Wallace. An energy creeps up inside of them making them want to scream, “I am the king of the woooorrrlllddd!” Like Leo in Titanic. They can feel the biggest smile of their life begin to sneak onto their face, so they try to hide it but pressing their lips together as hard as possible. A strategy proven to fail time and time again.

                I have found that the strike face has been used in other aspects in life. When a man has finally ‘sealed the deal’ with a woman that is far out of his league, he has hardly put his pants back on before the strike face has made its way to the front of his head. “What?” She will ask you, with a sincerely negative tone. “Nothing J” You will reply, filling her with insecurity and probably making your chances of hitting it again multiply. Oh the world we live in.

                On Sunday morning when I catch up with my boys and get filled in on all the gossip from the past week (especially Saturday night), there are of course some proud moments. Before we have even said hi to one another, we know who has the best news – those sporting the ever-so-glamorous strike face. Even as they begin to recount their tale, they can’t wipe that smug little grin off of their face. It’s surprising they can even talk.

Pet Peeve #26 – The Artful Dodger

                Farting is not as embarrassing as people make it out to be, so when you pass gas, why act like you don’t know who did it. Just claim it so we can tell you how much you stink and then move on.

                An unclaimed fart is like a crop circle – everyone wants to know (or believe they know) where it came from, but no one will ever know for sure. Men are starting to get better at admitting it was them, almost to a point of abnormal pride in their wind output. Women, on the other hand, still try to convince us that they don’t poop or fart – one of the great fabrications of our generation.

                The thing about this that bugs me is that I know when you are lying about dropping your guts. Whoever farted always smells it before everyone. A look of extreme panic takes control of their face as they wonder, “Can anyone else smell this? Am I going to get caught?” Often they will go with the strategy of smelling it first and pointing fingers at others. Otherwise they may sit back and act like they don’t smell it and when someone else smells it they will agree and act like it is the grossest thing ever. Either way, if you are always in the group that smells a fart, and you are consistently the one pleading with the group to believe you are innocent, the judge rules: guilty.

                How can we fix this problem? Common sense would suggest that I don’t need to explain this, but for all the dimwitted fools, I will make it clear. There are a number of options: 1 – don’t fart in a group of people, move to a toilet or an outdoor area to avoid embarrassment if that is something you can’t handle, 2 – admit you farted, laugh along at the jokes, and let the night continue fart free.

Daddy's Little Girl

Girls with daddy issues are not fit for relationships. Not until they have had extensive therapy. Girls with daddy’s who neglected them and just bought them nice things and thought they were being a good male figure in their daughter’s life wind up searching for attention from men elsewhere in their lives: in the bedroom. And I’m not talking about one sexual partner. I’m talking about different men walking in and out of that room like it’s a sports bar. On 50 cent wing night. And dollar draughts. Door swinging like an olde Texas saloon.

                Obviously we cannot choose who our fathers are, so there is no disrespect meant from this, however, a father figure is very important in the life of a little girl and without one, or with an inadequate one, damage is done. A bad father, abusive father, or absentee father can cause a girl to search for compassion, affection, and attention from other men in their lives – by sleeping with them. As men, we take it upon ourselves to satisfy and/or disappoint the needs of these women by sleeping with them and using them as our sexual playthings.

                This sexual disrespect can also lead to more whorish behavior. The more disrespect these women are shown by men, the more they search for a man who will treat them with the respect that they truly deserve. However, the more they search, the more they fail, and so the cycle continues. These women are a gift from men, to men. A sickening sequence of disrespect and a seemingly endless search for gratification has the potential to result in a long 20-25 years of promiscuity wherein lies a guaranteed development of a sense of self loathing as well as the resentment of the entire male community (most of whom have been encouraging this vicious cycle).

                Conclusively, if you’ve ever had a girl sleep with you without hesitation and you did know why it was so easy – thank her father and the dozens of men who have sexually and emotionally disappointed her for the majority of her life.

Pet Peeve #25 – Samplers

Tell me why people have to sample everything in the store. This is a particularly more serious problem in ice cream stores. People think they have the right to hold up the entire line to sample every flavor in stock. Here’s some news: every flavor is delicious – it’s ice cream. Taste testers are employed to test the taste of every flavor under the sun. Literally under the sun since ice cream is more of a summer delight. You do not have to test the taste. Just commit to a flavor or a flavor combination and keep the line moving.

Not only is this frustrating for every customer waiting behind you, but it is an annoyance to whoever is working since they have to put all of your samples on a different one of those little sticks. It is a time consuming practice, a waste of resources, and probably not too environmentally friendly.

WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO SAMPLE!? Guess what! Chocolate tastes like chocolate. Vanilla tastes like vanilla. Banana tastes like banana. And strawberry tastes like strawberry. No regular flavors should even be on offer for sampling. Only weird little exotic flavors like pistachio should be offered for free samples. In most cases, nay, in every case ever recorded in history, the name of the flavor has been the taste of the flavor. Hard to believe? I don’t think so. Buy your ice cream and get out of the store.

Pursuit of Happiness

Never let other people dictate your happiness. This may sound like good advice; it has a certain wisdom about it. However, after reflecting upon this guidance it occurred to me that all we do is look for people who make us happy. Our moods are hardly ever affected by internal factors. We get happy because someone did something nice and mad because someone screwed us.

                Obviously we would never seek out someone who pisses us off, but to tell me not to let other people dictate my happiness doesn’t make sense. The whole reason relationships are formed is because these people make our lives better in one way or another. We search our whole lives for a husband or a wife, someone who we love unconditionally, someone who can always keep a smile on our face.

                Everybody has dreams, some people achieve them with ease, and some people have to continually overcome adversity. When it looks like we are not going to reach a goal because of an uncontrollable factor, we need to take alternate routes. But if someone is in a position to help you achieve your goal and they don’t it is easy to have a pity party. These are the people who affect us emotionally regardless of the lack of an intimate relationship. When we encounter these people, we have to remember that there is another way to reach our goals, it may be a longer road, there may be more roadblocks, but it is another road nonetheless.

                Heartbreak leaves a rancid aftertaste. When you are in love with somebody and they break your heart, nothing will heal it but time… And that’s if you’re a lucky one. Searching for gratification in others will not fill the void left by that person. “There’s other fish in the sea,” doesn’t help. “The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” terrible advice, you might not think of them for a fraction of a second, but they will come creeping back into your head. Why? Because humans are emotional creatures. We have evolved not only to have physical reflexes, but emotional reflexes as well. We get addicted to love, and heartbreak is our withdrawal.

                My point? To be happy, we have to be vulnerable. If we let no one in, we never let ourselves out. We cannot reach our full potential by putting up a cold, tough front. We will be less happy by doing this because we will not let people into our lives due to the risk of disappointment. There are people out there who will make us happy and people who will make us sad. But if we give no one a chance, we don’t give ourselves a chance. Whether we like it or not, our happiness will always be determined by external factors. Find who makes you happy and hold on.

Pet Peeve #24 – Habitual Sniffers

Have you ever been in a quiet room? A room so peaceful, so tranquil, so easy to concentrate on yourself and on your thoughts? A room so easy to focus in? Have you ever taken a yoga class and been so relaxed, so at one with your qi that you thought nothing could interrupt your moment of calm? Have you ever been in an exam trying to read a question, but you couldn’t finish reading it? There was just a repetitive noise breaking your focus? No matter what you did or how hard you tried, you just couldn’t read, or better yet, answer the question? Have you ever been in a quiet room with a sniffing person?

                Have these people ever heard of a tissue? A runny nose is not a comfortable feeling, so why would you not put an end to it with a swift nose blow? Why would you just prolong the uncomfort of a snotty nose? Hearing people sniff is not the most attractive sound I can think of. As a matter of fact, if I hear it for long enough I begin to feel queasy. I know I am not alone when I say this is a distracting sound. I feel like cursing people out when they sniff in a quiet room. It doesn’t even have to be in a test situation. It can be in the library, when you are trying to sleep, when you are in class, or anything similar. However, instead of cursing these people out, or even asking them to blow their nose, I just sit quietly and drive myself insane.

                I can’t be too mad at these people though. If they are anything like me, they can go all semester without having a runny nose. They will get to their test and their nose will be dry. As soon as that paper gets put on the desk, the nose starts running. What is up with that? I know it’s always the same kids with a runny nose too, don’t think I don’t take a mental note. Your uppance will come.

                Since I can’t stand the sound or the feeling of a runny nose, I excuse myself from the room to go fix the problem. Sometimes when you are sick there is a definite problem with the plumbing – you need to prepare yourself for this. If you are not well enough o leave your house – don’t. If you can leave the house, but you have the sniffles – travel pack of tissues. There is a solution to every problem. Sniffing is not a solution, it is a procrastination.

                Here’s your starter kit:

Happy Feaster

This blog was inspired by some wildly inappropriate dinner conversation. I have friends from both sexes who do not think they are making any headway… I’m talking about oral sex.

                This goes out to both men and women – you have to give a little to get a little. “Ew I hate doing that!” Is not good enough, because you and I both know how much you like to get it. From this painfully inappropriate talk at dinner, the consensus was made that men both ask for it and receive it more than women. So ladies, I’m going to help you out. Don’t get used to it.

                Guys, you think you got those magic fingers? So you don’t have to go down on your girl? I got news for you dude, no such thing. Lips and tongues are much softer than fingers, cocks, and dildos. We gotta chill with the violent fingerblasting and hit ‘em with some of that TLC.

                Now guys don’t get me wrong, it sounds like I’m talking about this pretty casually, like you should just go diving on any woman you bring home. I certainly think not. Give YOUR GIRL some TLC. On a one night stand I don’t care if you pre-ejaculate twice like that dude who fucked a pie and then tell her to go home. But the lord knows that your girl goes down on you like she’s a malnourished Somalian, I’m just doing her a favor and asking you to return the favor.

                Now here are some problems you might run into, but of course I got the solutions for all you Simple Simon ass motherfuckers out there.

                “I don’t like the taste.”
                Flavored lube.

                “I don’t know where everything is down there.”
                Read a book.

                “I don’t really know what I’m doing when I’m down there.”
                It’s your girl, you should be comfortable enough to ask. Don’t learn from porn, a lot of things are done for the camera. The screaming is fake. Apparently what we watch online actually “feels like a cobra striking my vagina.”

                “I don’t want herpes.”
                Don’t eat out at restaurants you’re not familiar at without a recommendation. Oh, and don’t date whores.

                Happy Feaster and a creative cunnilingus!

Pet Peeve #23 – Passenger Seat Drivers

If you want to drive, just say you want to drive. I’ve talked about people who are under the impression they are superior athletes or ESPN sports analysts even though they are at home sipping on a cold one. These people are somewhat similar to passenger seat drivers – they don’t want to drive, but they have no qualms in telling you what a shitty job you’re doing, or at least how much better they would be doing.

                If I’m driving 59 in a 60 and you see the needle slowly approaching the 60, don’t tell me, “Watch your speed, this is a 60.” I know this is a 60. I’m not speeding. I’m going 59.9. Everything is going to be alright. On the other end of the spectrum, if I am going 55 in a 60 I am fully aware. It probably means that I am not in a rush and I am driving somewhat safely, so don’t give me any, “This is a 60 bro come on! What are you waiting for!?” Truth is that I’m waiting for nothing. We are only driving five minutes to the store, it will still be there when we get there – I promise.

                Don’t act all afraid when I’m driving. Don’t tell me directions unless I ask. Don’t tell me you know a shortcut when you don’t. Don’t touch me. Don’t insinuate that I don’t know where I’m going. Don’t tell me what lane I should be in. Don’t tell me who and when to overtake. Don’t tell me, “Green means go.” Don’t evaluate my parking skill. Just sit in your fucking seat and play DJ or entertain me with some interesting conversation.

InterdePETndance

Are you in a serious relationship? Yes you say? I beg to differ. Until you and your partner buy a pet together, you are not in a serious relationship. You might be in a monogamous relationship. You might be in love. But you are not serious.

                What is my thought process here? We might not admit it, or even consciously think about it, but when we get a pet with the person we love – we are practicing. “Practicing for what, Clay?” Practicing for taking care of babies, seeing what kind of parents we will be, seeing if we can keep something alive that depends on us for food, shelter, love, and compassion. “Claybrin, that’s nonsense.” Okay, well start talking to your partner about getting a pet together and see what their reaction is. I’m telling you right now you might as well drop down on one knee and propose. A pet is a commitment; the only positive thing here is that animals aren’t emotionally screwed after their owners separate.

                When you decide to get a pet with your partner you are essentially saying “I do.” How do you go and buy something that you will both have an emotional connection to and expect to have an out clause? If by some miracle you do manage to escape the relationship, whoever is left with the animal is left with a constant reminder of their ex. As if getting over someone isn’t hard enough.

                Getting a pet together is only one step less stupid than getting matching tattoos. A tattoo is a permanent reminder of the person, so when you break up you feel like a real tool, and when you are trying not to think about them all you have to do is look at your imbecilic little tattoo on your ankle, or the wasted space on your wrist, or better still – the name tattooed on your heart… Ew. At least the pet will eventually die and take all its stupid little reminders with it.

                Get married first – then get pets.

Pet Peeve #22 - #YOLO

Hashtag, yolo. A movement I cannot even express how much I do not want to be a part of. “You only live once!” An age old expression, it was once used to motivate when people were acting like conservative little killjoys. Now acronymized into, “yolo,” and used as an excuse to act a fool.

                “You only live once,” does not mean, “drink as much as you can.” When I get offered a shot and I politely decline, the words, “C’mon, nigga, yolo!” are not going to make me rethink my decision.

                When you wake up next to a fat girl with cake all over her face and three used condoms next to your bed, “Fuck it, yolo.” does not excuse the filth that was your Saturday night.

                When you overdose on cocaine because you thought doing it in a sauna was more fun than doing it in a safe (and I use the word “safe” loosely) environment. If I speak at your funeral, your mother will not accept your idiotic death because of “yolo.”

                Not only do people use yolo as an excuse to act retarded, but sometimes they just feel the need to say it. Like they can’t even help it. Like it’s a reflex action, like a sneeze or something. I was in a conversation today where I was rudely interrupted by a more-than-obnoxious, “WHAT’S GOOD!?” I said, “Chillin, man. What’s good with you?” I fucking kid you not, I couldn’t even make this up, he straight faced told me, “You know I’m out here yolo.” I almost apologized because it seemed like a disability. A disability too many suffer from – “Yolosis.”

Thanks for the contagion, Wheechair Jimmy.

Liar Liar

People lie, and they lie about things that are not even worth lying about. Why? None of us are happy with who we are. We lie to make ourselves seem better, maybe not even for who we are verbally lying to, but for ourselves.

                When we get complimented on a job well done, a simple smile and a “thank you!” should be the standard response. However, it is more common to say, “Oh I just got lucky!” even though you know too well that you put in the work required to do a good job. Why do we downplay our achievements so readily?

              Is it that we want people to believe that we have a Fairy Godmother watching over us and making sure we succeed? Or is it that if we pretend that we don’t try, when we succeed in something it appears to come naturally? Perhaps neither of these is the answer, especially for women. Girls in society today are quick to pull the trigger on the bitch label. If they hear someone talking about a good grade there will be a bit of behind the back cattiness, “Like, oh my God, what a conceited bitch! She thinks she’s like, so much better than us!” Since it is this easy to develop a nasty little label for yourself, it is no wonder that people downplay their accomplishments.

                Since we get so much practice lying about trivial things in our personal lives, it is no wonder that we think we can get away with anything with just a simple fib.

                “Mom, I’m just staying at Billy’s House tonight.” (Getting hammered at a house party)
                “No, you didn’t wake me.” *Croaky voice, wiping sleep out of eye*
                “I have to get up early tomorrow.” (I don’t want you to stay here)
                “I’m single.” (I’m about to cheat)
                “I didn’t have sex with her!” (I had sex with her)
                “I do.” (I got hoes in different area codes)

                As you can see, little lies turn into big lies, but somehow they just get easier and easier to tell. This is a problem that will get much worse before it gets better. We get taught to always be honest, but we grow up watching people lie, learning from them, perfecting the art. Each generation is better at lying. At this rate my grandchildren will be convincing me that they were the first men on the moon.

                Good luck wading through all the bullshit that gets thrown at you on a daily basis. Be honest if you are capable, hopefully we learn better to accept the truth for what it is, rather than put fiction on a pedestal.

Pet Peeve #21 – What?

Nothing grinds my gears more than when I ask someone a question and they say, “What?” and then proceed to answer my question. What sense does that make? Absolutely none.

                I have heard countless excuses for this foul behavior; “I just needed time to think,” “I didn’t hear you then I figured out what you said.” There are no excuses for this. It is inexcusable. You will not be excused. If someone says something and you don’t hear it, “I beg your pardon?” “Excuse me?” “I’m sorry?” “Pardon me?” are some less-neandertholic ways of saying, “WhAt!?” or “HuH?!”

                If for some reason your simple little brain works so slowly that it can’t even recognize speech without a 10 second break, just give yourself a second before you answer instead of saying, “What? Yeah!”

                If you heard what I said, respond with just the answer. If you need a little time to think, make a thinking face so I know what is taking you so long. Not a good actor? Can’t make a thinking face? I might even accept “Ummm…” to buy you some time.

                “What’s your favorite color?”
                “What? Blue”

                I refuse to be a part of conversations like these any longer.

Solid Someone

Through hard times we seek guidance. We make an attempt to find reason in why certain things may be happening to us. We say, “Everything happens for a reason,” as a means of protecting our expectations. We find comfort in fictitious rationality. We spend so much time trying to protect ourselves. Trying to protect ourselves from disappointment. Trying to protect ourselves from pain. All of this ‘protection’ is a marathon, a marathon not worth winning. As we run, life chases us. If we don’t let it catch up, we run out of time to live it. When it all falls down, all we need is someone solid. Someone who can make you smile no matter what. Someone who can make you forget about everything with just one kiss. Someone who can just make nothing else matter. Ironically, this is often the same person we run from.

                I have a tendency to front like things don’t faze me as much as they do. In the face of adversity I take pride in challenging my obstacles head on. This is a tendency I think I share with many others. However, I do recognize when I need support and I know who to go to. I pick up the phone and there are people I know who can help me think straight, help me believe in myself, help me stay motivated, help me be me. But there is another level of support, the support we seek for the majority of our existence. A solid someone who you can lean on when you don’t feel like you can go on. Someone who doesn’t even need to talk to make you feel better, just their embrace is enough to reenergize you.

                Finding this person is like winning the lottery. Everyone has it in them to be this person for someone, but it is a responsibility we only wish to give to a worthy candidate. When we can be honest with ourselves and with this person, there is nothing to be afraid of, internally or externally. Honesty makes for a successful relationship. Honesty makes for fearless communication. Honesty means realness. Finding this person is a feeling second to none. This person is cool. You can talk about anything and everything. This person shares your interests. They make you feel warm when you need heat. They make you smile. You miss them the moment they leave the room. Their kiss is an inexplicably inspiring energy. They make you a believer.

                “My rock,” “My shoulder to cry on.” People realize the importance of this person, no question. But do they realize how long they search for them? Do they realize who it is when they have them? It’s arguable. Struggling through adversity and having someone there to help, whether they know they’re helping or not, changes everything. How can looking someone in the eyes make everything just seem so simple? Stumbling upon this real-life magic 8 ball is a gift that makes birthdays and Christmas forever insignificant. Fate? Destiny? Divine intervention? Believe in what you want to believe in. Karma? Maybe. Luck? Create your own. Solid.

Pet Peeve #20 – Whispers

There is a time and a place for whispering, and I believe it is far less common than any one of you reading this right now.

                Whispering while you are in a group so other people don’t hear is rude, point blank period. Make a mental note and tell them/text them later. I would even rather if you took them away from the group – if it is urgent. I mean, “I’m so sorry, your driver’s side mirror has just been karate kicked clean off your car,” urgent. Not, “Oh my God, did you hear Jones stuck it in Meera’s butt,” urgent. Whispering in a group is not as discreet as you think it is, everybody sees it, and at least one person who wasn’t supposed to hear it hears it.

                If you see something you feel the need to comment on quietly with the whole group, go ahead and huddle up, talk quietly and share the news with the whole group. If you are the one person who didn’t hear what was said, don’t obnoxiously yell out, “What are you whispering about?” That shit is so awkward. Whoever is being whispered about becomes both self-conscious and resentful. How do they know they are being whispered about? First of all, your simple, obnoxious friend drew attention to you, and when people whisper about someone, they ALWAYS stare at them while they whisper. Inconspicuous? I think not.

                So when is this uncommon occurrence when you can whisper? Oddly enough it is when you are ALONE with your better half. A little seductive whisper never hurt anybody. Unless you lean in and say, “Mmm, I just sharted,” the mood is pretty much set.

The Airport Pickup

The airport pickup is a binding social contract. There is almost no one more important than he who picks you up from the airport. I find great satisfaction when I am asked to pick someone up from the airport, and when perfectly executed – the airport pick up gives a feeling of euphoria like none other. Let me explain:

                You only ever ask someone to pick you up from the airport who you completely trust. They are a reliable individual who you know will not let you down. Seeing their face the moment you touch down is something you look forward to. Ideally this person can make enjoyable conversation for the drive home, but hopefully you have some interesting stories from your trip to keep them busy. When I am asked to be this person I get a feeling of utmost gratitude. It’s almost like I’m in the spotlight, all eyes on me. Not that I enjoy attention…

                How do you perfectly execute an airport pickup? As an experienced pickerupper and pickeruppee, I have the knowledge to execute the airport pickup to a tee. If it is someone extremely important to you, you want to be waiting at the gate as they arrive. For someone less formal, perhaps an old friend that you see regularly, you just want them to walk out of the airport and see you in the driver’s seat in your car and jump in. How can you time something so perfectly? You must take everything into consideration. Treat this like a black-ops mission. Leave no stone unturned, consider all contingencies. Before the pickup you check the flight ETA. Once you have the ETA you have to allow for the time it takes to get off the plane, walk to baggage claim, get the bags, and leave the airport. In a small airport I allow 17 minutes for this chain of events, in a larger airport I wait 27 minutes. I have never forgotten to pick someone up, nor have I been late. My timing is impeccable.

                Why is the airport pickup a binding social contract? It solidifies relationships; romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise. It is an issue of respect and trustworthiness. If we are late to the pickup we are in another world of stress, letting someone down on this day is the ultimate act of betrayal. For a social exercise that we never think about, as a collective society we have revolutionized the airport pickup into an imperative relational measure.

                If the flight is cancelled, however, does the pickerupper still get credit for the pickup?

Phone Sex

In our increasingly technological society, distance is no longer a reason for abstinence or cheating. Phone sex, Skype sex, sexting, all brilliant inventions for horny couples battling distance. But what happens when one partner is not available to engage in virtual-coitus?

                Voicemail. If I ever hear about voicemail or answering machine sex I will track down the culprit and destroy their phone and possibly their sex drive. We already spend more time talking to our phones than we do talking to people, let’s try and keep intercourse intimate and face to face.

                There are some people who we can just talk on the phone with all night. It’s hard to hang up and when we finally do hang up at 4am, we still feel the need to send them a text afterwards. What is the post-phone sex etiquette? Do we send a text saying, “haha that was awesome! So much fun we should do that more often.” Ew.

                If you have a considerable distance between you and one of you does not like the idea of phone sex or anything related, is that person considered a prude? Is the talk about taking one’s phone sex virginity anything like the talk about taking one’s legitimate virginity? Phone sex can be a great way to keep the flame burning when there is a duration of time that a couple is separated, but I don’t think it is essential, nor do I think it can replace the intimacy and immediacy of true sexual intercourse.

                When you live in the same neighborhood I see no advantage to phone sex whatsoever. I actually see more of a chance of malicious, immature, conniving behavior. Friends listening in on the line, pictures being sent around, phone calls being recorded and played to people. Have I witnessed this kind of behavior? Sure. Have I been a part of this kind of behavior? No comment. Have I been victimized by this type of behavior? Never, I’m not an idiot.

Pet Peeve #19 – All Ice, No Drink

Why is it that when I’m in a restaurant I am reminded of an athletic training room? It wouldn’t be because people keep running around getting me ice by any chance, would it?

                Regardless of whether its fast food where I pay $1 for a gallon of soda, or it’s an upscale restaurant where I pay upwards of $5 for a glass of soda, I still only get a sip of soda and what seems like a large percentage of the arctic north in my cup. What kind of ice are they serving me, methamphetamine?

                Why do they bother asking if the table would like any beverages? They should just ask what flavor we would like added to our ice, since that’s essentially what they do. When is it acceptable to bring me a cup of ice? Only if by some chance I am going into labor, I heard ice chips are good for that.

                If there are free refills I can accept the ice cup to an extent. But if I am paying for every cup of ice that gets brought out to me, there better be a prize waiting for me in the middle of one of the ice cubes. A good prize.

Super Bowl Sunday

Everybody is a sports analyst today. Everyone knows better than everyone else. Everyone deserves a job at ESPN. Not really though.

                Super Bowl Sunday comes around and the debates are in full force like a political forum. Even people like me, who have no business talking about this game (I’m a Greenbay fan), get into heated arguments about today’s results. However, these people probably have more of an idea than the actual fans of the Giants and the Patriots do. Fans always back their team, no matter how ignorant their arguments are.

                Dining hall, class, locker room, crib; these are all places I hear these debates go down. Better QB, better offense, better defense, better special teams, career stats, hotter wives, better uniform – shut up. Trash talk is one thing, pretending you are an expert is another. We all know the rules, we all enjoy the game, but if we were put on the ESPN halftime show we would look like fools.

                This is a lose/lose Super Bowl. I wish it could be a draw and no one would win. Both Giants and Patriots fans are the most obnoxious fans in the league. No matter who wins, the aftermath is going to make me want to blow my brains out. Especially when the wannabe analysts start their I-told-you-so’s.

                If I had money on this game at least I would have someone to root for. That always makes a game more exciting. My pick – Patriots by 4.

Pet Peeve #18 – The Yawn and Talk

People really yawn mid-conversation. What kind of sense does that make? Do you really think we can understand what you’re saying? When you are in the middle of a story and you have to yawn, chances are that your story just isn’t that good. If you can’t keep yourself awake for your own story, what makes you think the audience is truly interested?

                Yawning mid speech is unbelievable. The gibberish that is spewed out by yawn-talkers is indecipherable not only for the listener, but for the speaker. The yawn and talk is just noise, annoying noise. It makes no sense and it wastes time.

                I find this incredibly hard to believe, but it seems as if some people truly think that we can understand what they are saying while they yawn and talk, and they wait for a response afterwards. It is a learned skill not to choke people who expect you to comprehend their yawny gibberish.

                I understand that sometimes you just need to yawn, so just break out into your yawn, say “excuse me” and then continue speaking. Is that so hard? The yawn and talk is unfathomable and unacceptable. Not only is it annoying, it looks and sounds gross. Like a hippopotamus mating call. Nobody wants to hump a hippo.

The Change Up

Earlier this week I was asked why guys change so much after they have sex with someone. It can be situational, but I am going to explain the most common reason for this change.

                We all have needs, both men and women. We all make choices. Some of us just think before we make our choices. Most of those thinkers are women. Men feel the need to act on their desires instantly, whereas women are better at waiting for “the right guy” or someone who they actually respect and find attractive. Once a guy sees someone new or hears rumors about someone, they feel like they must witness them in action. If it has been a little while since a guy has seen some action, all women start to become more attractive – even without beer. When this happens they will inevitably make a decision they will ultimately regret by finding a girl out one night, bringing her back to the room and taking care of business. As soon as it is over there is a realization that a mistake has been made and we transform from the charming guy that was conversing with you earlier in the night into the asshole kicking you out before you even have your clothes back on.

                If it is not a sexual escapade to put an end to a cold streak, it may just be fear of commitment. As we talk and hang out with someone, the sexual tension usually grows increasingly obvious. We work our charm, say all the right things, do all the right things, and put in the right amount of time until we get what we want. After we get what we want, be it once or numerous times – we lose interest. When we get that chance to end the sexual tension, another tension develops – post-sexual tension. Post-sexual tension occurs straight after sex when a guy will attempt to flee the scene like he has just committed a crime. Why does he do this? His brain is like, “Uh oh, she definitely loves me now, it is going to take forever to get her to leave me alone. To make this easier on myself I’ll just leave right now and ignore her from now on.” Well, bro, don’t flatter yourself. Generally women do respond to sex in more of an emotional way than men, but no matter what you did for her in there – she can do better herself. So no, your performance did not make her fall in love with you.

                Women may become clued in to the way we try to escape so promptly after sex. As stated above, women are the thinkers and they will strategize to keep you around. They might make sure they come to your place more often than not so you can’t just leave and they will linger for as long as they can. Sometimes they will get you wrapped up in a deep conversation that they know will take a long time. They might put on a movie and make you lay there and watch it. And if you are really lucky they might cook you a little something to make you stay there and eat. Maybe a combination of all of these. When this begins to happen, men automatically become geniuses – able to escape the intellectual post-sex prison that has been built around them.

                We will have excuse upon excuse planned to escape after our sexual encounter. For some reason we all of a sudden have to get up super early the next day for work, even if you have never heard about our job or witnessed us get up before 10. We will have appointments for things you have never heard of, “I have my paleontology appointment early tomorrow, I can’t stay.” We refuse to lose in this crazy little game. And what do we win if we succeed in all of this? Loneliness.

Pet Peeve #17 – Half Empty Bag

“Bang for your buck.” Does that even mean anything anymore? What can you buy these days that is truly worth every cent you paid for it? Not a bag of chips, that’s for sure.

                If I wanted a bag of air I would go and get in a car accident. These companies aren’t fooling anyone. We can tell the bag is full of air you idiots. Let me stop myself here. I call the chip manufacturers idiots for not filling the bags with chips, but we still buy them. So really they are geniuses and we are the idiots, they have to be making a killing! This can’t be legal. They are robbing us blind.

There aren’t even enough chips in a bag nowadays for a small child. It costs like $5 for a family bag of chips – the bag has like nine chips in it. The worst culprit –Doritos. Don’t even get me started on Doritos. There are not enough Doritos in the world to match the supply of salsa in one supermarket. I buy one jar of salsa and it’s in my fridge for months. Anyone would think I’m dating a Mexican. I’m not.

                And salsa. What’s this big obsession with salsa everybody has all of a sudden? Are we cultured now? We think we’re cultured because we eat salsa? We’re broadening our horizons? Stop dipping crackers in salsa (yes I’ve seen this). Salsa is for corn chips and corn chips only. If anyone needs anything it’s a lifetime supply of corn chips since a lifetime supply of salsa only costs $10.

                At least give us one potato’s worth of chips in one bag, or one ear of corn’s worth in the case of corn chips. Chips are the crack/cocaine of the 21^st Century – they are in small supply, but we all love the taste and want more. They cost almost nothing to make, yet they can’t fill up a bag for us? I can’t stand it. I’m quitting bagged chips and moving on to tubes of Pringles. They may be more expensive, but at least I know my tube will be full. The day they start half-filling tubes of Pringles, I’m running for President to put an end to this injustice.

Pain

Pain can be a funny thing. I don’t mean pain from falling over and scraping your knee, I mean emotional pain. Pain that can be inflicted intentionally or unintentionally, pain that cannot be escaped. This kind of pain can change a person. True pain makes you real.

                Pain and struggle build character. If you know what it is to carry pain, you are prepared for challenging situations. To find someone who has been through pain is one thing, to find someone who will admit it is another. We can be too proud to admit to our pain or “weakness” and we may go as far as acting the opposite to how we feel to protect ourselves. If you can find someone who is willing and able to open up about their pain, you can assume a certain level of authenticity about that person.

                We are all ultimately looking for someone who enriches us in some way. For ladies wondering why guys “toot it and boot it,” it’s probably because you do nothing to keep them around. Maybe you talk about shit that nobody cares about, maybe you’re an idiot, or maybe you’re too easy. However, even girls who give us a challenge to keep us around eventually end up losing. Ever heard of the 5-date rule? That is when a girl will not sleep with a guy until the fifth date. All this does is makes the man accept the challenge, act interested for five dates, fuck, and flee the scene. There has to be something that keeps us around, if you enrich our lives we will treat you well. We want to learn from you and we want to teach you things.

                Pain teaches us a lot about ourselves, others, and certain situations. This knowledge gives us a greater ability to act with realness, to adapt and maintain in society with less pressure. If we bring new experiences to our partners, they will remain interested. New experiences may include, different music, different art, whatever. I play basketball, I don’t want people coming up to me every day and talking about basketball – hit me with something different and I will do likewise. Be real, tell me what’s on your mind. What I’m trying to say is that people who have discovered true pain aren’t afraid of realness. They don’t need small talk, they don’t need to lie, they know the importance of being true to themselves. They know the difference between sex and romance.

                Someone who has been through pain can support you. They are spiritually, culturally, and academically wise, as well as street smart, naturally. The way you act romantically reflects in the way you live your everyday life – there needs to be a balance. Those of us who have felt pain and struggle know the difference between sunshine and rain, darkness and the light, joy and pain. Knowing the difference between true pain and a minor interference helps define our realness. As a real man I can tell you how refreshing it is to be in the company of a real woman. Never a dull moment, never a boring conversation, and constantly learning. What more could you want?

Pet Peeve #16 – Can I Ask You A Question?

“Can I ask you a question?” What kind of answer do you expect from this? First of all, that is a question, so you have already asked me one; do you need to ask me another? If I do not wish to have any questions asked of me, you have probably already rubbed me the wrong way with your initial question. However, I will still proceed to answer it with a firm, “no.” If you want to ask me a question bad enough, I assume you will proceed to ask me the question even after I tell you not to, assuming my negative response was one of sarcasm. It wasn’t. Will I answer the question you ask me? No, since I told you not to ask it I will argue with you until I am blue in the face to let you know just how serious I was.

                Some people will even go as far as putting two questions in one sentence. Sometimes I will fall for it, but if I catch it I will give you nothing short of a sarcastic, smart-alecky response. “Can I ask you a question? Why do you have so many pet peeves?” There will never be an ask-one-get-one-free day with me. You get one question and one question only. If you attempt to double up like this I won’t even be able to answer one of these questions because my brain will begin to overheat due to a sarcasm overload. “Sorry, no two-for-ones,” is a typical response.

                “Can I ask you a question?” is a space filler. If you need to ask a question – ask it. Don’t ask permission to ask a question. That is absurd. A similar filler is, “Let me tell you this.” What do you mean let me? Nobody is holding you back, if you have the capacity to say let me, dare I say you have the capacity to tell me what it is you want me to “let you” tell me. Are you nervous? Is the filler just a warm up for what you are about to say? If so, maybe you should do some warm ups first thing in the morning, not during conversation. It’s not like athletes take a seat and start stretching in the middle of the first quarter. Get it together.

Mr. Nice Guy

I’m a nice guy, and women think I’m a nice guy. Unluckily for me women don’t want nice. When you want to be with someone nice is bad. Nice is scary. Nice is too much. What kind of sick society are we living in where nice is undesirable?

                Nice is what we were taught to be as we were growing up. Nice kids get presents from Santa. Naughty kids get coal. It’s a shame that being nice has no reward after a certain age. Sure, people like you and you make a good friend, but people will blow by you in every other aspect of your life. People are not afraid to be asshole’s in business to get ahead. Competition was created by assholes – there was originally one guy with an idea, he put this idea into action, his idea got ‘borrowed’ and sold for cheaper, and people stopped buying from the original guy and went to the cheaper competition. If the second guy was nice he would have just let the first guy continue being successful, but that is not how the world works.

                Why are women afraid of nice guys? There are a number of reasons. The first is the fear of nice guy syndrome, which is a guy whose nice deeds are only motivated by manipulating women into a relationship or sexual encounter. Once these guys get what they want there is no telling how they will act afterwards. Rather than going for a nice guy who could possibly end up being a colossal disappointment, women would rather go for a bad boy, expect the worst, and hope to be surprised. Women also enjoy the ‘challenge’ of being able to change a man, so if they choose a bad boy or jerk, they have a little project to keep them busy for a while.

                The second reason is the misinterpretation between being nice and being clingy. Some guys are genuinely interested in what you do and what you have to say. However, too much communication can be misconceived as being clingy, protective, obsessed, or anything alike. This is not always a delusion; there are plenty of guys and girls out there who are like that, so how can you blame someone for trying to escape that?

                If you are a nice guy you are probably wondering, “Do nice guys always finish last?” No they don’t. There are different girls out there just like there are different guys. These different girls have different ideas about the nice guy definition.

                Nice guy 1: committed, caring, respectful of women.
                Nice guy 2: boring, lacking confidence, unattractive.

                If you find a girl who defines a nice guy with definition 1, you can potentially finish first with her. Just like they have different definitions for nice guys, women also have different definitions for jerks.

                Jerk 1: confident, sexy, attractive, exciting.
                Jerk 2: manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, only interested in sex.

                Odds are that these definitions will not be surprising as there should be a direct correlation with their level of crazy. Nice guys tend to put others ahead of themselves and wind up getting their feelings hurt. If you want to be a nice guy, choose your targets wisely.

Pet Peeve #15 – Autocorrect

Autocorrect thinks it’s smarter than me. Well it’s not. I know what I’m trying to type when I text, but Apple thinks it knows better than me. Well Apple, where is your fucking cancel button when sending a text? Because God knows I could use that about five times a day.

                I appreciate the increases and upgrades in technology, but when I text it is rare that I use proper English. It’s cool that it capitalizes names for me, punctuates when it needs to, but I can’t cope with entire words being replaced with a nonsensical 18^th Century words which have no place in my 21^st Century slang-filled sentences. I don’t even know what swensen means.

                On the other hand, autocorrect is a life saver when I am out drinking. There are now no more texts that say, “Tou knie I lobe ypu bsby!” Autocorrect can now change small decipherable errors into a string of words I don’t know the definitions to, “Sanitorium frippet isotope hydropneumatic activism.” Thanks again, Apple.

                No matter how much we hate autocorrect though, there is an obligation we cannot ignore, an obligation to leave autocorrect on. We need it. Without it we have fewer opportunities to stroke our egos. Autocorrect makes us feel good, it makes us feel smarter than artificial intelligence. When we switch it off we realize how stupid we really are. It corrects more than we think. I hate auto correct because when it sends words that I did not want to send I have to pull a little DIRTY DESPERADO to correct myself. And as if that is not enough, it is making our society increasingly incompetent, increasingly antisocial, and increasingly obnoxious. And Siri, even with your upgrade you suck at understanding my accent. Don’t discriminate.

Hypergamy

                Hypergamy is the act of seeking a spouse of higher socioeconomic status and ‘marrying up’ to a higher status. This can go male to female or female to male, but evolutionists have stated that females have developed through evolution a preference for higher status males because they offer greater genes and greater resources for reproduction.

                The confusing issue here is the ‘settling’ that the so-called greater half of the couple must reduce themselves to. Why is someone who is perceived with such greatness in our society settling for less than they can have? Is it a below average sense of self-worth? I don’t think this is a question that can be answered without directly asking someone in this situation – which would be so rude, I mean like stereotypical mean girl movie rude.

                Another issue which I think goes alongside hypergamy is what I like to call careerin’. Careerin’ is when I see a couple walking together and one is way too good looking to be with the other. I call it careerin’ because there is no way in this world they should be together unless the ugly one has a job that makes his/her unfortunate looks forgivable. It is just crazy to me that someone would marry a person who they literally struggle to look at, just to marry up into a higher socioeconomic status. Materialism today is testing our values as a society and the scores are making us look less civilized than a pack of wild dogs. What’s next? Cannibalism?

Pet Peeve #14 – Blind Waving

Why is it that when we see someone we have an automatic compulsion to wave? Even if they aren’t looking at us our arm flings up involuntarily like a Jim Carrey comedy. I can’t stand it.

                When I am the wave receiver there is a good chance that I won’t be looking. It is likely that I am on a mission or interacting with other people. I don’t generally go out without a purpose, so why wave at me if I’m not looking? You can’t be mad for not getting any wave reciprocity. And if I get a text that says, “Thanks for waving back L” I might delete your number. Make sure there has been definite eye contact before waving. I’m talking alley-oop eye contact.

                When I am the wave giver I find it incredibly hard to forgive myself. Standing at 6 feet and 7 inches tall, people see me wave. All of the people, except the person I was waving at. So when I take down my hand and scratch the back of my head trying to fool everyone like I wasn’t waving – I look like a giant moron.

                What is this compulsion to wave anyway? Are we rude if we don’t wave? If we haven’t made eye contact, should we have been looking for you? What level of friendship do we have to be on before the waving begins? I say we eradicate waving from non-verbal communication. Once we rid ourselves of waves, we rid ourselves of the stressful responsibility of ‘polite’ reciprocation and we rid ourselves of the embarrassment that may follow if we are not seen by our target.

Microwave Society

Today we want everything to be instant, especially our generation. We buy our salads in bags, we get our news on Twitter, and we have 2 minute noodles and 3 minute rice and complain about the wait, we expect something for nothing.

                We are all idealists while we are young. Some of us grow out of this and become realists, but it seems that an increasing number of us are not making the shift from idealism to realism. We all reach for the stars; we have eyes for the road to riches, a big house with nice cars, fame and all the shiny things that go with it. We just don’t want to work for any of it.

                As we become more self-centered, materialistic, and greedy, we also become increasingly impatient. We can’t all be lottery winners. We can’t all be famous actors. And we can’t all be sports icons. So why are the people who get into these positions so dissatisfied? Greed.

                Being an athlete myself, and an amateur athlete at that. The dream is to become a professional and be paid to do what I love. I can’t even imagine getting 100K a year to play a sport. 1M a year is unbelievable. But then we witness lockouts in two professional sports in one year, both salary related. I understand that once you get out of school it is your profession and you need to do what is best for your family, but when you are making more money than you can spend, more money than regular people would ever dream of, where is the line between the love of the game and the hunger for more material things?

                Kids who were stars in college make it to the big time and they are suddenly not the stars of their professional teams. Instead of working hard to climb the hierarchy, they sulk like babies who have not been given what they cried for. This is a perfect example of people not wanting to work for rewards. Something makes us think we deserve the world. The world which others before us built.

                This applies to anything in life. If you want it, go get it. Take it. Work for it. Get it yourself. Do what you have to do to deserve it. Your world will not be given to you, you have to earn it. We are all given a path, follow yours. It will not be direct, there will be obstacles and adversities along the way, but no one said it was going to be easy, so why do you expect it to be. The year is now 2012. If 2011 derailed you, get back on track. You will get where you are supposed to be if you put the right amount of work in. And then some.

                Happy New Year.