Pet Peeve #44 – Noisy Eaters

               Whyyyyyyy can I hear every single one of your mouth movements? Crunchy food makes sense, it’s entitled to a little bit of volume. But someone needs to explain to me how in the world I can know you’re eating yoghurt when you haven’t told me you are, and I’m not looking at you. What is that? Are you slurping with your mouth closed? And quit all that smacking in my ear! That’s how dogs eat. Your whole mouth doesn’t need to open and shut to consume every mouthful; I know you learnt better than that.

                There are a few foods that can get stuck in your teeth, a pain to get out without floss. But just because we all know about it, does not make it acceptable to start sucking steak out of your teeth while others are still eating. Good God, that makes my stomach turn! This is basic stuff people, we need to turn this around – it’s ruining the dining experience.

Can’t Put a Lid on it

           We all know a few ‘extra’ people. I don’t mean more people than we need to know, I mean people who do a little more than the average person. Am I talking about people who work three jobs and do volunteer work for numerous charities on the side? No. I’m talking about people who bring a little extra volume, drama, attention to themselves for extra effect.

            These people like to talk about their personal issues at a high volume in a small room. These people like to discuss their sexuality and openness at uncomfortable times, like in a waiting room at a doctor’s office. These people like to poke fun at others and then raise hell when fun is had at their expense. These people scream for no reason, bring high energy to low energy situations, and challenge the norms of acceptable behavior in most social situations.

            Not only do these people know that they do this, but they can’t even stop it if they try. It’s impossible for them to shut it down. They can’t put a lid on it. Putting a lid on it would involve just holding the extra in until you’re in a more private, more acceptable situation to talk about where your mouth was last night – maybe with a little less pride in your voice.

            There are certain things people want to hear, others we don’t – and strangers rarely give a fuck what you have to say about anything, especially you bowel movements. Yeah, it can be slightly entertaining at times, maybe a story for the people around you to tell when they get home, but more often than not you’re going to see this face surrounding you: