The Succubus Queen

Although succubi are supposed to be medieval legend, I am going to take this opportunity to put out a PSA to describe what they do, how they do it, and the effects they have on their male counterparts, the incubus.

Supposedly a succubus is a female demon who appears in dreams in the form of a human woman to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. Repeated intercourse with a succubus was said to have the affects of serious deterioration of health or even death.

Sounds pretty serious. I wish it was true that succubi only existed in dreams, but the truth is that they walk among us every damn day. Most of you reading this probably have a friend who is under the treacherous spell of the succubus. How can you tell? There are a few ways:

1) He is ALWAYS with her.

2) He is constantly complaining about how tired and lethargic he is.

3) When he complains about her and you say, "What a bitch," He says, "Hey, watch it, that's my girl you're talking about."

4) He cries when he watches love movies.

5) He sleeps on "his side of the bed" even when she isn't around

6) He is obviously scared to disobey her - like a dog to it's trainer.

Succubi in medieval folklore took the form of a human only in dreams, however, nowadays they are always in human form, taking victims one by one. And they have figured out that by killing their prey they cannot reproduce, so they invented numerous ways of reproduction to keep their species alive. However, reproduction is a gamble since there is the same chance of having a boy, then the female/succubus chances are split 50/50. Their mating habits include:

The high-school slut:
Ever seen the televison shows Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant? Succubi.
The hood-rat:
These chicken-heads in the hood are going around making a living by spreading more than their fair share of diseases and collecting on child support. Succubi.
The early marriage:
Professionals at what they do. By training their boyfriends to switch to the more feminine mindset of 'the Cinderella story' and legitimately believing they will grow old together after being high school sweethearts, these young men believe that proposing is a rational decision. Early marriage = living together from a younger age = starting a family earlier = spawn of succubi.
The "don't worry about it, I'm on the pill" trick:
Pretty self explanatory.. #HazedBySuccubus.
The sneaky hole in the condom trick:
I haven't heard of any cases of this within my social network, but I have heard stories about this. I am hoping that this and the above act of desperation are rarer than it seems. If people really do these last two things they have got to be severely mentally damaged and in need of more than just medication. This is the ultimate mating dance. A brilliant smoke and mirrors act of the succubus queen.


All of which result in:

The marriage at an acceptable age:
Now I am not totally against marriage, but to the young pups out there who think they are in love and contemplating buying a ring, just remember that marriage is a 3-ring circus; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING. Chances are that if you actually pump your breaks and wait for everything to happen instead of trying to force yourself to fall in love early, you will avoid falling for a succubus, and we will all wish you the best 'til the very end. On the other hand if you allow your ignorance to take over your mind, body, and soul, and you decide to get married while you still live with you parents. Shame on you. No mercy.

Movies After Dark

"Do you want to come over and watch a movie or something?"

It is not only guys who ask this question. When we want to 'hang out' with someone there is an awful lot of 'television watching' being mentioned in the invitation. But why?

When it is dark out and you want to hang out with that person you are interested in, watching a movie has become a world-wide go-to-move for both men and women. You will be watching the movie in the dark, which gives you that extra opportunity to make sneaky little moves. That is exactly why when you used to live at home with your parents, when you watched a movie with a girl over, all of a sudden you were both cold and needed a blanket - smooth.

The sneaky make-out is a classic - done most easily with scary movies. When she gets scared and jumps into your lap and you catch her with a soft, yet muscular grip, she feels safe, but really she is at your mercy. Instead of launching your tongue down her throat like a drunken mule, just kiss her on the cheek. It is more than likely that she will turn around and you will begin the make-out session you both knew you were going to have.

The silky smooth touchy touch under the covers always goes down a treat. I'm not talking about her nether regions, but just a rub on the stomach or leg to let her know you're keen - obviously since she's keen too, she will rub you back :)

Choose your movies wisely. You don't want to be rubbing upper thigh while Bambi's mother is dying, or going for sneaky titty grabs while the Titanic sinks. And just do your best to NEVER watch Schindler's List if you want to succeed in getting some. Watching that will have you out of the mood for weeks. Looking for dark movies for more opportunities to be a filthy, testosterone filled, sex machine? Most scary movies will work, and so will most Batman movies. You're welcome.

The Hollywood Effect

The glorification of love in young women in our society has seriously reached another level. From a young age girls are brainwashed into planning their dream wedding with their "Prince Charming." From such an early age, girls tend to let guys be such an integral component in their happiness for no good reason. Generally I believe that guys are much happier than girls due to the fact that they (most of the time) do not place the opposite sex on such a high pedestal. On the other hand, girls spend their youth searching for Mr. Right, however their ignorance shades the fact that the age of high school romances developing into marriage is looooooong gone. Every time a girl is with a guy and it doesn't end up working out and they finally come to the realization that he is not 'the one,' it is the end of their world as they know it.

When women are in romantic relationships, they put them on the very top of their priorities, and they expect us to do they same. Such a sad state of affairs because males are wired differently. Sure, we still have an incredibly high interest in the opposite sex, but it is not such an interest that we are on the search for a life partner. Until the age of *unspecified* guys are just trying to increase their body count.

Why have I named this "The Hollywood Effect?" Because the entertainment industry has ruined society's perception of love - and they have done it in such a way that women and men both have totally different perceptions.

This is cute right ladies? This is like the perfect kiss right? This is how you and all your boyfriends kiss, RIGHT? Wrong. We ain't kissing in the rain. We ain't even walking in the rain. If somehow we catch eyes and have a romantic little moment in the car before we get out and its raining outside, we might give you a little kiss in the car, then we're running for cover like its World War III (We are probably wearing fresh new all-white sneakers that we don't want to get wet).

The Notebook is a classic film from which women love to idealize their own relationships. I've personally sat through this movie twice. The first time it was like sticking hot pins in my love-drunk eyes. The second time it was like my eyes had pneumonia and they were trying to cure themselves by rotting from the inside out. I know one straight guy who liked this movie, and not even he is in a romantic relationship. Girls, stop treating this rubbish like it is real life.

Now for the fellas. We have Austin Powers to the left, who sleeps with multiple women in each episode of his trilogy. No lie, all guys are trying to be is a 21st century version of this British ladies man. I have discussed characters like Mike Lowry (Bad Boys I & II) and Chazz (Wedding Crashers) who also run through women like it is going out of fashion. All we are, are miniature versions of Austin Powers with nice teeth and todays fashion sense. We have all heard cheesy lines guys say at bars, and read Facebook wall posts - flirting in a public forum. We are bold and sometimes think we are invincible, somewhat like the ridiculous "shaggadelic" spy.

I have no answer for how to fix this. These days we are brought up with hours upon hours of exposure to media every single day of our lives. This definitely has an affect on us, even those of us who are media literate. There may be some people out there who suffer from the "third-person effect," which is when you believe everybody else is affected by media, but not you. Well the truth is that we are all affected by media and upon analysis it is more negative than we realize. Guys get so sick/scared of girls being so into love and long-term/serious relationships, and girls hate getting tooted and booted. Why do they still want us so badly then? A question constantly raised throughout my blogs with many answers, the most common of which: they think they can change us into the man they have been dreaming about since the age of 5.

NEWSFLASH - Man is a deadly beast, rarely tamed by the female species. However, there has been a case where man fell victim to the opposite sex, but valiantly rose above her and lived to tell the story. The story of the Succubus Queen - Coming Soon 

Why So Serious?

This is just a quick one for the people complaining about my blog. That's cool, I have something to say to you though:

1) My blog is 100% opinionated. I am entitled to my opinion and so are you, so I ain't mad at you.

2) However, considering I have never been romantically involved with most of those who are complaining - if you are offended, you probably act in the ways that I write about. Crazy.

3) I am not sexist, I ridicule both men and women in my writing, if you haven't noticed that then you have a severe case of tunnel-vision/ignorance, or you just haven't read enough of my entries - keep reading.

4) If you can't tell that I write with my sense of humor and opinion - you need to seriously reevaluate your sense of humor. Don't take everything you read so seriously. Besides, haven't you ever heard of the expression, "Its funny because its true?"

5) No names have been named. I write in generalizations from my own observations. If you don't like what I have to say, no one is forcing you to read my blog, so sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and calm your pretty little heads.

I'm also going to take this opportunity to thank all of those who have been supporting what I have been doing. I appreciate it and I won't stop until I run out of material, which seems like it will be never as long as people continue to act crazy.

Oh, So You Live Here Now?

So she has slept over a few times and now she's getting a little comfortable. Without realizing, you have let her accumulate a whole bunch of her possessions in YOUR house. Is she paying rent? Because if she's not she should probably get her toothbrush out of your bathroom.

She has started to hang up her towel instead of just throwing it in the laundry - she really showers here that often? Does she pay the water bill? She has a suitcase full of clothes like she's on holiday - not a little suitcase, I mean she has more clothes than me in that thing. At least she hasn't taken over the clo... Why are there female jackets hanging up in my closet? Did she just call it "OUR closet?"

I just peed on the toilet seat, but how did that happen? I always leave the toilet seat up - has she changed the rules in MY house? Is she going to start telling me to take my elbows off the table when I eat? Do I have to do the dishes regularly now? Do I have to make my bed? Hold up... Did we become official without me knowing?

This phenomenon is becoming increasingly popular in young relationships, offenders getting labelled with "creeper status," and victims being placed on suicide watch. Is there a way to avoid this type of tomfoolery? I can't say for sure, but I can say that there is a way to reverse it. However, there is no room for the evaluation of the other person's feelings, you just have to act. You may be thinking that there is some ingenious way to reverse what seems irreversible, but it is just common sense. Pack her shit up. Ask her if there is a ring on her finger. Then ask her how much she paid for last months rent. This can go a number of ways:

1) She may burst into tears, say she never wants to talk to you again and leave. Then call you back later apologizing for her overreaction, understanding that she is not your girlfriend and that she does not need to be sneakily moving into your house.

2) She may be like, "Well I'm your girlfriend aren't I?" "No."

3) Or she will simply say, "Okay," walk out the front door, and smash your car with her 9 iron.

Don't sleep with girls that keep an "extra 9 iron" in their car. You are destined for trouble. How did you not know she was crazy?

Don't put all the blame on the girl, however, if you have been offering her free board and food and water, you can't act like she is the crazy one. It is you who is crazy. If you want a lady friend to live with you, you better be related to her, or in a serious relationship. I don't mean "Oh my God, we've been dating for 6 months, we're getting kind of serious!" I mean you have been together for like 4 years and you are thinking about (God forbid) marriage, or just moving in together to improve your financial situation.

Catch them early, sneakily moving in slowly to your bachelor pad, and put a stop to it. Unless her 9 pretty friends are moving in with her. No golf bags.

False Advertising

Guys tend to be more attracted to women who wear minimal make-up. Not because they look like cheap, plastic, fake, cake-faced tramps when they wear it. But when we see girls with make-up caked on, we can't help but wonder what they are hiding. Make-up is the exact inverse of sexy lingerie; the deal with sexy lingerie is that we get so turned on by what we can't see underneath, however with make-up we are nervous to find out what God has burdened you with. How many optical illusions do these David-Blain-esque women have up their sleeves? Fake eye lashes, fake tan, hair dye, make-up, fake nails, and wonder bra just to name a few.

Now a wise man once said, "Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights lie," (Nate Dogg R.I.P. 1969 - 2011) which obviously means when you are in the club and you think a girl is attractive, you better look twice, ESPECIALLY if she has make-up piled on. Strobe lights have the potential to turn an unfortunate looking wench into a classically beautiful starlet. Please do not be fooled.

On a one-night-stand there are two HUGE problems:
1) Make-up on YOUR pillow the next morning because obviously she didn't bring any make-up remover with her and she slept all over your linen with her artwork.
2) Once she has showered and she comes out smiling because she's so proud of herself for tricking you, she looks like the fucking elephant man

Please relax with the make-up. Yes, you're right, you can trick a drunk guy into sleeping with you, but to the sober ones - you look like you've been shot in the face by a paint-ball CANNON.

The ladies also have a habit of tricking us more than just visually. Remember meeting girls who seem like a lot of fun and just genuinely good un-crazy people? Yeah, so dating her is a good idea then right? Wrong. This is NOT scientifically proven, but at an educated guess I'm going to have to say that 9 out of 10 girls that seem un-crazy are in fact completely out of their freaking minds. When you first meet them it seems like they are always up for a good time, "Yay let's party just like we did when we first met!" Then they start to relax a little, they want to go out to dinner on Saturday nights and shit starts getting real expensive; movies, restaurants, gas money. 2 problems with this:
1) I thought Friday night was 'date night'?!?!?!
2) When I ask for a night off of this Saturday night dating malarkey to hang out with my friends its all like, "You see your friends every day." So now she owns me.
This is how we know shes starting to become a little too much... Stage 5? Yep. Read my earlier blog about stage 5 clingers if you don't know what I'm talking about. You know how it goes from here - "I love you," "I can't live without you," "Who the fuck is that slut liking your Facebook status?" (Meanwhile its your 12 year old cousin)

They will trick you into thinking they are hot when they are really no more than your regular ugly Betty. And they will train you into thinking you are still enjoying their company and sanity, even though you are stuck, a prisoner in their web of deceit and a slave, chained up in their fortress of insanity - only to be saved by your friends watching from the outside for weeks/months/years before they eventually sky-dive into the proverbial prison you are locked away in indefinitely to break you the fuck OUT.

It's a dog eat dog world out there people. Stay safe.

My Top 10 Most Pimpinest Actors

My top ten actors who could probably get any woman of their choice and why.

10. Paul Walker

Dude looks like this. Now I asked a lot of girls about which actor, if they could choose one, they would want to be their man. ALL of them named someone and said "because he's soooooo sexy." So I never want to hear any of you complaining about how guys are shallow when really society as a whole is shallow.

"Have you ever looked directly into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles." He has intense eyes, which he utilizes in his film 2 Fast 2 Furious. As he drives through traffic at like 250mph staring directly into what we can only assume are the "eyes" of Eva Mendes, he wins us all over. Guys want to be able to drive like him and start questioning their manhood, while women start having heart palpitations because they really believe he is staring at them. Girls love the idea of him being a bad ass cop hanging out with sexy criminal scumbags like Tyrese. Do yourselves a favor and don't watch this with your girl, she will start getting mad at you for not being as smooth as Paul Walker.

9. Pierce Brosnan

"The names Bond, James Bond." Anyone that can introduce themselves so arrogantly has got to be one bad mother... There have been a number of actors that played James Bond, but Pierce Brosnan is who people my age grew up watching in the movies "Golden Eye" and "Tomorrow Never Dies." There was even a video game based on Golden Eye on the N64 platform, classic. As Bond, Brosnan saved the world from criminal masterminds with enough time to seduce some of the sexiest women in the world in-between jobs. Shooting at people while wearing a completely unbuttoned button down shirt, dodging bullets, and still having the ability to smoothly deliver corny English catch phrases simultaneously? I dare you to say no to Pierce Brosnan.

The spin-off film franchise of the "Bond" series was Austin Powers, which gets Canadian actor Mike Myers a tie at 9th on the list of my top 10 most pimpinest actors. With a mouth full of rotten teeth, but an unforgettable and unmatchable charm, Austin was able to turn the most evil and most sexy villains into his very own sexy slaves, not to mention he LITERALLY blew the minds of the classic and extremely original 'fembots.'





8. Ashton Kutcher

Absolute clown. A sense of humor that can make Justin Timberlake shed a tear or two. How could a woman say no to that? Constant entertainment whenever you need it, sometimes I'm sure it could be a bit much, but Ashton was able to bag a big time cougar, and he deserves kudos for that. He was able to survive the test of meeting the family of his black fiancée in Guess Who, he overcame all types of drama in an accidental marriage to who turned out to be his dream girl (Cameron Diaz) in What Happens in Vegas, and when everything went wrong during his honeymoon in Just Married, he was still able to come out somehow looking like a superhero. A similar comedic style to the likes of Ben Stiller, where everything goes wrong, Ashton is able to manipulate women into thinking it is all going right..

7. Matthew McConaughey

Shirt off in every movie he's ever been in, Matthew McConaughey uses every topless opportunity to woo his generally female audience. With this and his slick little Texan accent mixed with the suave roles he gets casted into, McConaughey could quite easily bag any girl he wanted.







6. George Clooney

Sexiest man alive in 1997 and 2006. Twice? Need I say more? Always plays a smooth cat, confident in every move he makes, witty and bright with no wrinkles in his plans. The man is ageing gracefully, what is the male equivalent to a cougar? Ladies this is it, and don't try to deny it. George Clooney would make you have a heart attack - and then revive you with some serious ER experience.





5. Will Ferrell

Yes Will Ferrell is at number 5. If his classic sense of humor is not enough for you - he wrote Anchorman. He is obviously an intelligent individual with an eye for detail. Some of the things he does/says in that movie, when not acting like a fool are pure forms of seduction. Don't buy it? In The Other Guys he plays an ex-pimp, he knows how to take care of his bitches. And finally, in Wedding Crashers he plays 'Chazz,' who is just "living the dream!" He lives at home with his mother and seduces the some of the most attractive women at weddings and funerals. Who else could come up with such brilliance other than someone who is obviously a seduction artist.

PS. His wife in Old School is super hot.

4. Mel Gibson

"I wouldn't date him, what an asshole," is what every girl reading this either thought or said. But you are wrong. This is the guy who starred in What Women Want. He knows exactly what you are thinking and he will mind-fuck you. I don't like to curse too much on my blog, but that is exactly what he will do. "But what about those abusive voice mails?" you ask. What about them? I just told you he knows what goes on inside the heads of women. He wanted to piss you off, so he said anything he could to do it. He is too famous and wants some time to himself, so he decided that all the females following him were going to feel his wrath. Remember this man is Braveheart - how did you think he knew all of those fighting words? Mel Gibson is killing the game right now, I sort of regret not having him in my top 2.

3. Will Smith

If you find my earlier blog about pickup lines you will see that The Fresh Prince was my example of corny ways to pick up women. However, Will Smith does not need to be corny. He is one of the most lovable actors in showbiz. Name one movie in which you did not like him and identify with his character. Don't worry, I'll wait...

You cannot name one because there is not one. I hope you didn't forget about Bad Boys. This is THE Mike Lowry - ultimate ladies man. Will Smith, not unlike Mike Lowry, is a smooth talking, well dressed, funny, talented, handsome gentleman. If you're telling me you would say no to Will Smith - you are a liar. He didn't get a wife like Jada by having no game.

2. Charlie Sheen

"But isn't he a drug addict?" No stupid, he WAS a drug addict. Charlie Sheen is "winning," with 2 cute young girlfriends, a giant mansion, fast cars, a cigar safe, a killer sense of humor, the most entertaining interviews of all time, and an intense personality that cannot be described with words from the vocabulary of mere mortals. There are three parts to the heart of Charlie Sheen; valves, love, and tiger blood. Yeah, he said tiger blood. It's extraterrestrial comments like this that make Sheen so mysterious, which girls love. Don't believe me? Show a girl a magic trick and get back to me about how amused she is and will remain to be for as long as you know her. How else is Sheen winning? He plays himself on the television show 2 and a half men they don't necessarily say its him, but he dresses the same as he does in real life, dates younger women, and has the same intense sense of humor. What is more perfect than getting paid millions to act as yourself? Then getting kicked off the show and suing for millions that he was not paid. Charlie Sheen lives the dream and he knows that you want to be a part of it. Don't lie to him and tell him that you don't because he will strike you over the head repeatedly with the lightning bolt he caught while riding his pet Diplodocus.


1. Neil Patrick Harris

Controversial number one pick? No. Maybe he's gay in real life, but every role he plays is the ultimate ladies man. In the Harold and Kumar movies he is doing lines of coke off of naked women. DON'T DO DRUGS, but there is a certain aspect of awesome in that. And at this point in his career, NPH is known for his role of 'Barney Stinson' in How I Met Your Mother. He lives by the 'bro-code,' sleeps with a different woman every night, has rules for his relationships with women, and "suits up" every day of his life. If he wasn't gay I could see him living this way in his real life. Conversely, being gay helped him get the number one spot. Why do girls love having gay friends? Because they know what males and females want. NPH is essentially Mel Gibson, George Clooney, and Charlie Sheen all rolled in to one magical joint and smoked with a Will Ferrell lighter. What up.

How We Drive Our Girls Crazy

This is a list of the top ten things we do as men to get thrown in the dog-house. Don't get it twisted, none of these things are intentional. This is a list of ten things we do as men, naturally hard-wired to perform in such ways.

1. We are sports addicts
Sunday is the main day for sports globally. However, it is also a phenomenally common misconception (by women and feminine men) that Sunday is the main day for cute little activities with your spouse. NO. There is pretty much infinite sports televised on Sundays, and if there is a Main Event that you want us to miss, it won't happen. Is sports more important than a relationship? This can be answered in a few ways;
1) Yes
2) Only on Sundays
3) No baby, I love eating organic $40 salads before going for a walk in the botanic gardens... On Superbowl Sunday.
Now here is where it can get confusing. Often we will meet women that we share a lot in common with, even our passion for sports and spectatorship. Perfect girl right? Wrong. Who is going to do the weekly clean up if we are both sitting our asses on the couch watching the game? Who is cooking the meal for half time? Sure its nice to order food every now and then, but home cooking is what a man loves most.
Finally for the average woman who does not care about sports. Whether we play or watch, she does not want us to talk about sports all day everyday. She wants us to talk about our feelings and our future. What do we hope to achieve in this relationship? I don't know, but Pitt lost last night honey, I'm not in the right frame of mind to talk about all this.
Yeah, our passion for sports makes women near homicidal.

2. We finish nothing - except watching our sports
Name something. We won't finish it. You want us to do those dishes? Sure baby, take a break you've been on your feet all day. UNDOUBTEDLY you will come back to the sink and there will be 1 dirty dish at the very least. You need the drain pipes unclogged? I'm the man of the house, I got this. Let me just take this apart here, unclog this here and... Oh I didn't put the pipes back together? Oh I must've forgot! What's that sweetheart? You need the car fixed? But you don't want me to do it because I slacked on the drain pipes? I'll call a mechanic then. Open up the Yellow Book, circle the number, put it next to the phone... Why is the car still broken a week later? Because we don't. Finish. Shit.

3. We are sloppy
When we shave, we leave our stubble in the sink. We NEVER make the bed. Occasionally we might pee on the toilet seat. On lazy Sundays we like to wear dirty shirts with BBQ sauce from ribs spilled all over the front lookin' like an abstract Picasso tee. We clip our nails to keep you happy, but only you know where the vacuum cleaner is, so until you do the vacuuming we will both be treading on clippings. Oh and we like to readjust our package with a swift hand down the boxers. Nothing to love there.

4. We have housework blindness
See that stack of dishes? We don't. See the pile of washing making the chair look invisible? We still see the chair. Feel that crap on your feet when you walk in the house barefoot? We NEVER walk barefoot. You smell that? So did we, so we just watched TV in the other room instead.

5. When we are sick we act like you have never felt how we are feeling right now
We have a tendency to grossly over exaggerate our illnesses to try and get your sympathy. Does your sympathy make us feel better? No, but we get to be lazy without getting yelled at. You must hate that.

6. We drink too much
Its not the drinking that you have a problem with. Its the social embarrassment that comes with it. The constant shit talk, the groping, the stuff we break, the people we want to fight, etc. Then we make it home and you think you may have escaped the tomfoolery that went on earlier in the night. That assumption is a rookie mistake. We are about to try to seduce you with rotten sex talk, often louder than it needs to be due to our drunken inability to control our volume. Finally your prayers will be answered and we will pass out and stop talking... but only from our mouth. We are still prone to communication from the sinus and ass, with drunken snoring and flatulence.

7. We keep our socks on
During sex you hate that we do the no pants dance, socks still on. You tell us that it is not sexy and that it is also symbolic that after a few months of a relationship that we believe we do not have to continue to put effort in to anything we do, including beneath the sheets. We proceed to tell you that you are in fact an idiot because naked feet are easily less sexy than socked feet, which is a huge mistake on our behalf. Don't call her an idiot, even if she says idiotic things, just pretend idiocy is cute. A related dislike to this is that girls NEVER want to see us wearing just a t-shirt. It does not work for us because more often than not, we are too tall to make that work - and your woman doesn't want to see you wearing a nighty anyway, so I have to agree with this one, cut out the "completely naked other than t-shirt" look.

8. We look at other women
How did you know? We are always subtle when our eyes wander. Stop looking at what? That girl with all the cleavage and the mini skirt? But I didn't even see her! I think theres a mark on the wall behind her.. We know that you don't get that mad when we turn our heads at obvious stunners, I mean like celebrity kind of attractive. But when we turn our head at anything in a skirt, thats what infuriates you, right? Okay, we'll stop...

9. We lie
About our height, weight, how much we lift, what we ate for lunch, where we are, where we're going, where we were, how we got there, who we were with, where we work, where we went to school, who our friends are, how much money we make, what car we drive. Everything. But you lie about your age, so stop complaining.

10. We go for sexy, not classy
Take us shopping and as us which skirt we like more and which top looks better. We will have you dressed like a professional in no time. A professional slut. If it were up to us, the world would be full of women walking around looking like high-class hookers. Do yourselves a favor and don't take us shopping.

I hope this was insightful for both men and women, but there is a question I'm sure many are asking: if there are so many things women dislike about us, why do they still date us? I have covered this in a previous blog, but it is a question that will be asked often. The answer is that they want to tame the beast that is man. A questionable task with no sure cases of 100% success.

The Dirty Desperado

Ever had somebody text you numerous times in a row even when you haven't been responding? These people are thirsty for some conversation with you. Recently, someone who "double-backs" (sends two texts back to back without a response) has been dubbed a "dirty desperado". There are plenty of nick names such as the "triple back," for three texts without a response. "Quad back," "quarter back," or "Tebow," for those who text back four times without a response. Nicknames fly out the window after this and words like "crazy" begin to get used.

If there is one word of advice I can give you, it is to NEVER double back. If the conversation through text dies, don't force it. It is obvious when people try to force it and it reeks of desperation. Just relax and wait for the person to reply and if they don't there is no need to worry. The conversation probably just died and there was nothing to write back. If you try to force conversation it can get annoying, and if you send anything like: "?" or "what are you doing?" or "ok ignore me then," you will be labelled as crazy or a stalker.

Take this advice. Learn from your mistakes. And be a better conversationist.

Reputation

Now I have a theory. Being the observant person that I am, I have noticed that both men and women with reputations continue to get a whole bunch of action, despite what people may say about them. I am going to share my theory with you about why this happens.

Why women are attracted to men with reputations:
Women have an uncontrollable desire to tame their beasts. Guys out there - who of you can honestly say that you haven't been in a relationship with a controlling woman? This is part of their desire to tame, control, change, manage, and care for us. Basic women instincts - mothering.

Since women are designed to be mothers, they seek the challenge of sexually promiscuous men who they think they can change into a man who will be faithful to them. Classic mistake. When you are with a male who is obviously in their sexual prime and in a situation in which they cannot control it. You WILL get cheated on. The search for the Cinderella story where they can change the bad-ass playa into a loving, caring, committed relational partner is a search destined for fail.

But don't get me wrong. There are good guys out there, just don't try to turn a bad one good - he will change when he is ready. And if you disagree with me and you want to agree with an ignorant women's magazine like Cosmo telling you "100 ways to make your man perfect" - you already lose. Those are written by women, for women. Just like we do not understand you; women - you do not and will not ever understand us. If you want info on men - get it from men. But if you want that information to be honest, you probably need a gay best friend or something because we lie a lot too :)

Why men are attracted to promiscuous women:
This is going to need less explanation and you may be disappointed with what I have to say. It is sad but it is true - men flock towards promiscuous women because they are what is known as a "lay-up" (or a guarantee). In contrast to the opposite situation - men are not interested in changing these women, they are only interested in some activity in the bedroom, whereas women are interested in changing these men for the good of a long term relationship. When men are ready for a relationship we are looking for nice, clean, and wholesome ladies who we can take home to meet the parents, but behind closed doors she can change all that and be a little freak in the sheets.

As always you are welcome to give me your feedback - good or bad.

Bitches Love Smiley Faces

Maybe not a great choice of words, but was the advice given in 2005 about 'textual seduction' accurate? I think so and I'm going to tell you why. Read closely while I break this down. Take my advice, or criticize. Agree or disagree. But it will be of interest nonetheless.

The phrase, "Bitches love smiley faces," coined in September 2005 is a controversial piece of advice, but if you think about it, there is probably more wisdom in it than there seems to be. The simple use of a smiley face in a text or IM can make the woman you are courting feel the emotion you are writing with, with some extra comfortability. However, use caution as to not overuse the smiley face, because eventually you will not be able to be taken seriously and you will become the 'funny FRIEND.' I have talked about the friend zone in earlier blogs and we already know that this is an area we want to avoid as the 'alpha male.'

Now when you use emoticons in written communication. Choose your emoticon wisely; some girls may find the 'winky face' or 'tongue out face' sleezy, creepy, maybe even insulting - not cute. When not using smiley faces, your girl will know you mean business. You won't receive the generic and ever-so-annoying 'lol' response to something you were serious about. They will ask no questions if you use the correct wording, and they will know that you mean what you say, there are no messages hiding behind little yellow faces.

Assuming you are part of my target audience - we are not in high school anymore. Smiley's must be strategically placed if you choose to use them. An alternative to the smiley face is the period. Its stern. It means business. It conveys your message. HOWEVER, do NOT use the ellipse (. . .). That implies that there is more to be said, and girls will respond accordingly by not saying everything that she is thinking.

In summary, textual seduction is where technology has taken us. Usually there will be an immense amount of texting before any first dates or no-pants dances. Don't mess up your chances by thinking you're being cute when really you are coming off as needy. You need to make whoever you are texting feel wanted, but at the same time, you cannot come across as needy. Its gross. Feel free to comment on anything I have said up to this point.