Cougartown

The accomplishment of bagging an older woman is no longer just a passing fad, but a cultural phenomenon. Your boys will give you full bragging rights and hang on to your every word as you tell them how it all went down during the cougar-hunt. Conversely, is it an accomplishment for a woman to bag a younger man? And why does it seem to get easier for us as young men to bag older women? Today I bring you the answers.

                Are younger men different to older men? Of course they are. Every generation is going to have both similarities and differences. The main difference that our generation has over the older is that our mothers have been empowered women with a voice in not only the family, but in society. With a strong woman as a mother, we are brought up with a different respect for women than our elders.

                What do we want in an older woman other than bragging rights? Well an older woman has already established herself financially and mentally. If she wants kids – she already has them. She already has a career/money, so we don’t need to worry about these gold digging bitches snatching our credit cards. She should be mature enough to have realized that the ‘fairy tale’ wedding and all the bullshit that comes with it is only for celebrities – so we just get good food, fine wine, and experienced sex. Winning.

                Does the older woman gain advantages with the younger man? Yes, along with disadvantages. The advantages are that we have no baggage, we have so much love and respect that you are in your sexual prime, and we are at our most confident. Disadvantages are that this confidence will most likely lead us to stray because we think we are invincible and that we will not get caught. Our ego fluctuation between high and low is so unpredictable that at times you may have to treat us like the children we are so we don’t begin to sulk. And being with a younger man you may start to fear that we will leave you as you begin to age. However, if you are a strong and confidence woman (which you are, since that is the reason we are looking for cougars) and you are in a real relationship – you have nothing to worry about.

                I don’t know how many older readers I have out there since this is aimed mainly at college students, but at least now you have an idea why we get so excited about women who (like fine wine) get better with age.

A Mestivus for the Restivus

Some guys just mess up everything for the rest of us. From what I can figure out, it’s one of two things these clowns are doing to destroy women for future recruiting. We are tired of crazy girls, so stop turning regular girls crazy (for arguments sake we will assume there are regular girls out there).

When guys with zero confidence try to run game on a broad, they forget how rapidly egos can grow (just as rapidly as they can self destruct). These guys are the ones that hype the girl up so much because they are trying to look like a nice guy and wind up turning her into an evil, vindictive, blood sucking runt. Yeah, we’ll stick with runt. These guys are so surprised they are talking to this girl (whom they have obviously placed upon the tallest of pedestals) that they keep telling them; “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” “You could have anyone you wanted,” “You deserve the best,” “You should be treated like a princess.” All this does is make her realize she shouldn’t even be wasting her time talking to your sad ass, and then when another dude rolls up she thinks she is too good to talk to him. *NEWSFLASH* you aren’t that special. There are a million girls out there better than you, and you were one of them before you started acting so full of yourself. And the girls I’m talking about aren’t reading this because they are too busy googling themselves and taking photos of themselves pouting. Idiots.

The other scenario is when a girl gets cheated on or abused in a relationship and then makes an executive decision that every guy is the same. We understand that is some tough shit to go through and it takes a while to get over it (if you get over it at all), but if you are going to keep complaining to new guys about old shit, they are going to get tired of it. Yeah, you’re cute and all that so we want to talk to you, but when we ask to hang out and you start crying about all these irrelevant issues, we are going to call our boys as soon as you leave and tell them you’ve got wayyyy too many skeletons for our liking. There is such a thing as too much self-disclosure, and issues as deep as these do not need to be disclosed early in a relationship and if you start placing that label on us our sympathy will decline – quickly. I know I can’t do anything to stop guys from cheating – shit happens, but you have to quit the abusive bullshit, that’s fucked up.

I don’t know which scenario is more likely, but I know that you girls out there strutting around like you own the world have to slow down, and you girls still freaking out about past events – maybe you just aren’t ready to talk to guys yet. Sympathy is there for the latter, but you uppity girls out there acting like you are allergic to people because you are above them – calm down before karma catches up to you.

Why is She Mad?

Have you ever had an argument with your girl because… Well you really had no idea why? I know, frustrating right? It’s easy to turn around and tell your buddies, “That bitch is crazy!” However, you probably gave her a legitimate reason to get heated.

                Has your girlfriend ever suggested you watch a movie with her and you told her, “No. That sounds gay.” If so, don’t go and watch that movie with your friends and then tell her how great it is.

                Has your girlfriend ever told you she hates your ex-girlfriend that you’re still friends with? Well if you hang out with her, don’t tell your girl how much of a great time you had together. You already know females get to a fanatical level of jealousy that we as men do not know how to deal with.

                Remember all the lies you told her when you were trying to get in her pants? When she inevitably finds out how many lies you told, she is going to try and gouge your eyes out with no warning and you are going to have to tell your workmates your cat was feeling extra playful. When they get mad they forget we are not mind readers and they trip even harder when we don’t know why they are acting crazy.

                Remember how she forgave you when you cheated? You can’t ever talk to another female again. No matter how much she says she is over it. She will FREAK if she hears another woman’s voice on the phone, even if it is your mother – she won’t believe you. And remember how you used to be able to read your texts in peace? Never again. “Who’s that?” Always and forever.

                Have you ever been like, “WHOA! What are you on PMS?” when you already know that’s not the problem but just can’t figure out what the actual problem is? Try to refrain yourself, because now you have a whole new problem to take care of, and whether she has PMS or not – you’re not getting any for a while.

                Have you ever told your girl to “Shh” while you were watching television? Be grateful to wake up with your cable still attached. Oh and the TV cable too.

                When your girl gets mad at you and you don’t know why, just be patient. She will expect you to work it out, but don’t waste your time, or else you will end up accidentally confessing to some shit she doesn’t even know about yet. Eventually she will tell you why she is mad, it might be a good reason, it might be completely absurd (typically the latter), but you can apologize for it and move on to your next drama.

How Bromantic

Urban Dictionary says that a bromance is, "The complicated love and affection shared by two straight males." I for one know however, that if a woman is in a relationship with a man who shares a bromance, she is naturally inclined to get jealous about it. There seems to be a genetic predisposition in females to attempt to claim soul ownership of their ‘mate’. So ladies, where do you fit in to a bromance?

                First we must find out, are you just overreacting over a friendship? Or is there really a bromance taking place? Symptoms of the bromance may include:

·         The cancellation of plans between you and your man so he can chill with his boys

·         The endless presence of the ‘bro-friend’, whether it be in person or on the phone

·         Constant bromantic boys nights/weekends, lack of romantic couples nights/weekends

·         Every story involves the bro-friend

Just so you know; this is the man’s life before he meets his woman, and it is a life that is hard to let go of, so when you start acting like a bitch about it and he acts all confused – it’s because he sees no problems with his behavior. When you say, “You should know what my problem is,” we confirm in our minds that you are acting irrationally and we instantly stop caring about what issue you have decided to fabricate with your very special imagination. Anyway, some of the side effects you may feel from your man’s bromance comprise of:

·         A feeling of inadequacy compared to his bro-friend(s)

·         A fear that your relationship is falling MASSIVELY short of your COLOSSAL expectations

·         You think you have to compete for your man’s attention

·         You have to pretend you are interested in things he talks about with his friends so you can gain acceptance

o   Sports

o   Video games

o   Action movies

We know that ladies are all about spending quality time with their boyfriends. If you want your relationship to have any chance of reaching your oversized, Hollywood expectations, here are some tips that you might want to take seriously.

·         NEVER blame us for blowing you off for our bromance. We will immediately begin to resent you for such selfishness. Driving a wedge between our relationship and our friends/families is not what we signed up for (contrary to popular belief).

·         Stop sitting around crying and all that crap. While we are with our friends, that gives you time for your friends. Instead of dwelling on what you cannot control, look at the bright side and make the most of it.

·         Do NOT try any of that ultimatum bullshit. Refer to Outside Influences.

·         When we do spend time together, don’t expect us to just lie down for hours and stare in to your eyes. That shit’s boring and we have short attention spans. It’s all this stagnant activity that drives us to find a sideline-ho.

If your man is deep in to his bromance, there are a few things you can do to earn a little extra time with him (other than delete his bro-friends number from his phone).

·         Identify with us. Acknowledge that you like to spend time with your friends too, but add that you would like a LITTLE extra time with us.

·         Instead of talking all the time, do fun stuff with us – even if it’s not fun for you, we will be spending time together.

o   Golf

o   Pool

o   Action movies

o   Cards

o   Video games

o   Fun board games

o   New sex positions

·         Act like the girl we started dating, not the psychotic bitch you turned into afterwards.

If you try all of this and you still think you are not a high enough priority for your man, you are probably right. Time to re-evaluate your relationship and beg the friends you threw away to spend more time with your boyfriend, to take you back.

The Fragility of the Human Ego

It has been said that both prey and predator can smell fear. So people try to exude a certain air of confidence when they go on the prowl out on the town. This can backfire when the effort to radiate confidence becomes too deliberate; it just comes off as desperation. Have you ever heard of the expression, “He/She literally stinks of desperation!” Now I hate to use the word literally when what I am talking about is not literal, people who do that figuratively wipe their asses with the English language. All tangents aside, research shows that it is possible for people to give off a very real, pheromonal-based, stink of desperation. So how do we act with confidence without the desperation? Our ego must be in check enough for us to believe we have good reason to be as confident as we want to be.

                There are a number of events that can shatter the Human ego, but the male ego especially. Men are very serious about the size of their junk; a simple giggle at a naked man will have him questioning his manhood for years. When a guy is trying to run some game on a lady and she’s just not having that, it makes it hard for us to talk to the next one. Women are verbally oriented, while men are word oriented. “But that’s the same thing!” you exclaim. No its not. If we get asked to bring home a gallon of milk after work and come back empty handed – a woman will become frustrated and say, “You’re so irresponsible.” All we hear as men is the word “irresponsible” and we become fixated on it and rather than realize you are talking about one instance, we start to question ourselves; “What about all the months of mortgage I have paid? Has that all been erased because of one simple action?” The male species has a fragile ego and it is easy to make fun of, but why is the female ego no laughing matter?

                Is there any right answer to “Does this outfit make me look fat?” If we reply with a straight, “no,” that is not good enough; apparently we are supposed to tell them how good they look, although that was not part of the question. However, if we do choose to extend our response to something like, “You know I think you look good in anything you wear,” we have not answered the question directly enough and the obvious conclusion to jump to is that we are avoiding the question because we don’t want to insult her since she looks humongous in that outfit. *SIGH* the logic that some women follow is completely unfathomable. Women are incredibly sensitive, they think with their hearts and emotions rather than with logic, whereas men think with their genitals and logic rather than with their emotions and hearts. This sensitivity leads them to stop eating and all sorts of wild shit if we say the wrong thing.

                So be aware of the ego of your significant other, otherwise guys will be making love through the hole in the front of their boxers and women will stop eating. Get it together people.

Do Hoes Know They're Hoes?

The answer to this question is conditional. It completely depends on who the ho is friends with. If the ho is exclusively friends with other hoes, they probably know no better than what they are doing. However, if the ho has friends who are morally sound, they have probably been informed on several occasions that their behavior is inappropriate.

                If you’re a ho who associates with other hoes and takes part in ho-ish activities, you probably have no problem expressing to this group of friends all of the sexual activity you take part in with numerous sexual partners. On the other hand, if you are the ho within a group of girls with morals, you know you are being judged by the innocent eyes in your friendship circle. Thus keeping your copious sexual encounters as secret as possible.

                Is there a problem with being a ho? Well if you call STD’s a problem then, yes. Being a ho is a slight ‘problem’. The hoes who know they are hoes are given no respect by their peers, which is the reason they try to keep their operating hours to a minimum. Why don’t they just stop acting like hoes? Because the ego is a fragile commodity; hoes get an ego boost from sleeping with people, which they believe they have rightfully earned. The hoes who don’t know they are hoes tend to call other people hoes. This is a complex paradigm, which forced me to beg the question, “Do hoes know they’re hoes?” How can a ho call another person a ho, when obviously they have no right to judge. I concluded thusly that these are the hoes who have been immersed so deeply in hoedom (feel free to use this word), that they truly believe they are not hoes and that other people are. At these people I shake my head, give a look of exhaustion, and exasperate stressfully, since they will obviously never learn.

                Hoes can be men or women, here are some factors that can lead to a life of hoedom:

·         Early physical development

·         The Oedipus/Electra complex

·         Parent issues/teenage rebellion

·         Ego boost

·         So ugly you just give it away because you know someone will take it

·         So good looking you know you can do it with anyone, so you do

·         Sexual insecurities – extinguished in the short term by putting out

·         You have become impervious to pornography

For those of you who are unsure if you are hoes, here are some clues:

·         You get texts/calls for sex anytime during the day (unlike the sideline ho who is generally booty-called late at night)

·         You often have to engage in sexual activity in an automobile to escape other people living in the house

·         You are reading this naked, smoking a cigarette

·         You’ve stood in the mirror butt-naked checking for spots

·         You’ve had to put ointment on your spots

·         You text naked pictures of yourself like it’s a chain letter

Your body count is off the charts

The Pecking Order

When courting a potential lover, mind games are inevitable. Some of us have been told, “Don’t worry, I don’t play games, I say what I think and feel.” This is somewhat true, however we play mind games even when we think we are keeping it 100. Today I am going to tell you about how ‘pecking order’ and then who wears the proverbial ‘pants’ is established.

                Pecking order is the determination of a hierarchical order of potential sexual partners organized by both men and women in today’s “just in case” society. What do I mean by just in case? I mean that we have a Plan B just in case plan ‘A’ doesn’t work, however we seem to have a whole alphabet of plans when it comes to choosing a sexual companion. The following is what helps determine the pecking order in a woman’s eyes (and yes initially it is a question of physical attributes):

Height
Weight
Strength
Athletic ability aka how much money you make (or have the potential to make)
Ability to hold liquor and still throw darts well at the local bar
Jaw line
Hairstyle
Eyes
Smile
Biceps and abs
General overall attractiveness
Shoe size ;)

And after the barriers of shallowness have been passed by said suitor, the more intimate attributes start to matter more and switch up your spot in the pecking order. These attributes include:

Intellectual ability aka how much money you make (or have the potential to make)
Sensitivity
Generosity
Sweetness
What you have in common
Humor

This is generally where the male species start to slide down in the pecking order, at least in their first few attempts anyway. However, evolution has allowed us to adapt to overcome adversity and we have become considerably good at lying to make females believe we are what they consider acceptable human beings.

Now what helps determine the pecking order in a man’s eyes:

Pulse
Ass
Titties

                If somehow you qualify to get through these barriers, or you are just sneaky enough to trick us, this is what you need to have on a mental level:

Brain ;)
The ability to boost our ego on a regular basis
A job (not better than our job) so you can buy us sneakers from time to time

                Now that we know what we need to do to move up and down within the pecking order, it is an easy conclusion as to who wears the pants in the relationship, no matter what level you are on intimately; if the male sees the female as plan B, but the female sees the male as plan A, the male is the one wearing the pants. And vice versa.

Doin’ Too Much

                If you are in the bridal-wear store trying on dresses and you’re not even ENGAGED! You’re doin’ too much.

                If you take your boyfriend shopping and ‘coincidently’ drop in to the jewelry store as a little ‘hint’. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you have names picked out for your non-existent children. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you end your text messages or emails with, “xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,” or “<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333,” or any other variation. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you and your partner have matching tattoos, or tattoos of each other’s names. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you get jealous when your partner says a celebrity is hot. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you’re single and you buy yourself flowers because you’re jealous of the flowers your friends with boyfriends have. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you cry after sex. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you sit in your room alone, watching the notebook, eating chocolates, on Valentine’s day. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you say “I love you,” on the phone and you have to say, “say I love you too.” You’re doin’ too much.

                If you have to ask, “How much do you love me?” You’re doin’ too much.

                If you’re a dirty desperado. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you’ve got your titties out in winter because you can’t compete in summer.  Props. But you’re doin’ too much.

                If you stuff your bra. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you play hard-to-get for 6 months. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you’re still chasing someone who has been playing hard-to-get for 6 months. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you try to cuddle during what is obviously a one-night-stand. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you have an uncontrollable need for PDA. You’re doin’ too much.

                If you feel like you don’t get enough attention from guys so you try to do OD shit for attention like: randomly try to dance sexy to no music in an inappropriate situation, talk a gang of dirty shit that no one really believes you’ve done, yell instead of using your inside voice, or accidentally spill water on your white tee and try to blow it to dry it and consequently make your nipples cold/hard. You’re doin’ too much.

Outside Influences

Girls seem to think that they have the certification to give other girls advice on guys. Wow. You have GOT to stop it before you ruin it for everyone. 99% of the advice you give on men is incorrect. Ever read Cosmo? “100 Ways to Keep Your Man,” written by some lady. Try 9-10 of those things and watch your relationship deteriorate. Today I will give you some examples of the advice women give other women and why it is wrong.

              “Hit him with an ultimatum to get what you want.” – Fuck outta here with that bullshit. When has this EVER worked? If you have succeeded in this, please let me know. I will still discredit you because it means that your man is bitch-made. If anyone bows down to “Do this or I will break up with you,” I feel more than sorry for you. If you hit me or any of the guys I know with an ultimatum, we will hit you back with a “Get the fuck out of my house.” This could be some of the worst advice ever given. This also goes for “If you really love me, you will do this.” If you don’t stop with this bullshit… If you really believe that, then break up with me or deal with me not loving you.

                “Get with someone else to get him jealous.” – Ultimate backfire. Yeah, if we like you we will get jealous. Jealous enough to go on our own little hook-up spree, targeting one or many of your friends – including the idiot that gave you this worthless advice. Then you will turn around and get mad at us. Well you started it. Immature? We don’t care – you acted like a ho.

                “Ask him what he wants out of your relationship.” – We don’t like difficult ass questions. You will get a difficult ass answer and run back to your ignorant friend for step 2 of her less-than-satisfactory advice.

“Only he knows why he is acting like such a dick. Text him and ask him, if he doesn’t write back right away, call him.” – Part 1 was right; we know why we are acting like a dick. It’s probably because you used part 2 of this advice and got upgraded to ‘stalker status’. We will text you back when we think of a legitimate excuse as to why we haven’t talked lately – other than because we have been with one of our sideline hoes.

“Give him another chance, he’s worth it.” – You poor things. I know we all like to believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but honestly, how often does that work out for you? All a second chance is for us is a second chance to not get caught. As you offer us a second chance we will look you in your eyes and promise you the world. And when we are alone again we will be on the text mercilessly with our sideline hoes. Grimey.

“Beat the bitch up!” – When you get cheated on, it is not the other girl trying to hurt you, she probably doesn’t even know your man has a girl. Your man might not even know he has a girl, are you sure you didn’t pull a swift one on him and become his girl without telling him?

All in all, if you are having boy problems, talk to a boy about them. However, don’t let it be a friend of who you are having problems with, because no matter what they say, they are always gonna look out for their friends. And as for your little magazines and their ‘expertise,’ tell them to give me a job.