Pet Peeve #29 – Hurricanes

Are you excited? You got a day off school and now you want to go to the liquor store? You want to throw a party? You want to get swept off your feet? That’s romantic, but I’m not talking about romance. I’m talking about the strongest winds you’ve ever experienced literally pushing you to the ground. If that’s not enough to wipe that smile off your face, I’m sure a tree falling and landing on your head can.

                Do people hate school that much? So much that the danger and the pain that hurricane Sandy has the potential to bring actually brings you happiness? Wouldn’t you rather just be warm in class for 100 minutes today and know that no one died and no lives were ruined? Didn’t we just have two days off of school? It’s called a weekend, there’s one at the end of every week. It gives us a much needed break from work and school, a chance to relax after five days of focus. Are you telling me you needed an extra day off so bad that you are celebrating by jumping into the pond during a hurricane? Is life that hard right now? If it is, I feel for you, I really do. But take a moment to think about what you’re celebrating. Nobody was smiling during Katrina.

Crazy Scale

My associates and I have observed quite a significant increase in crazy over the past few weeks/months/years. This outbreak of crazy begs the question – just how hot do you have to be for your crazy to be put up with? The crazy to sexy ratio is much more important for us to know than say, the inventory turnover ratio. Thus the research has been done to inform the uninformed, refresh the absent-minded, and possibly save lives.

                The above graph shows various ratios of crazy to sexy. The descriptions of what each of these lines show is below.

                The red line is the most undesirable of the crazies. This person is sinfully ugly and equally as crazy. How do they expect to meet anyone when they look the way they do and act just as unfortunately? I don’t know. I also don’t know how they justify their level of crazy. Perhaps looking like a mashed banana takes its toll on one’s psyche.

                The green line is the polar opposite of the red line. This person’s sexiness is off the chart, with only a small amount of crazy. What is this small and acceptable amount of crazy? It’s a kind of crazy which allows somebody to take risks and be adventurous – allowing for small sacrifice and a lot of fun in the bedroom. I’d call anyone with a ratio like this a keeper. It is, however, a crying shame that someone like this is about as rare as the signature of William Shakespeare.

                The black line is what most of us encounter. This is what I like to call the onefer phenomenon. Onefer refers to the one for one trend that this line follows. If you are a 1 on a sexy scale of 1 to 10, you will have a matching level of 1 on the crazy scale. This phenomenon says that the more physically attractive someone is to you, the higher the level of crazy you are willing to put up with. In this case, if you are dating someone who is so sexy they are off the chart, beware of their crazy. If you are unfaithful, you may wake up without body parts.

                I hope this helps all the people out there with super high standards who do not realize why they can only meet crazy people. No one has a crazy level of absolute zero, so if you are looking for that, invent a skygrill so you can cook me some bacon when pigs fly. Do yourself a favor and print this graph, stick it in your wallet instead of the photo of your partner, and remind yourself to keep your expectations at a realistic level.

Pet Peeve #28 - Social Headphones

I am particularly dissatisfied with the gradual deconstruction of manners and social etiquette that I see on a day to day basis. I love music. It is quite literally something that I don’t think I could live without. Obviously I won’t just die if I can’t listen to music, but my will to live without music just doesn't exist. However, there is a time and a place for the privilege of music.

                Being a college student, I rarely get the chance to eat a meal alone. And being a human being (a social creature) I enjoy good conversation with almost anyone. So when I go to the dining hall to eat, I expect some table conversation. Since birth, almost every meal I’ve eaten has been in a social setting and verbal communication (when mouths are unfilled) is generally involved. I never once came to the family dinner table at home with my headphones on. Why? Because I can’t hear anything when I’m listening to music, and my mother would've beat my ass if I was bold enough to pull a stunt like that. I think that generally, most people can relate to that.

                So why is it now that I am at college I am surrounded by people listening to their music at every meal of every day? How can I see a table of 10 people, none of whom are talking to each other?  What is the point of even sitting with your friends? Sometimes I might be in the dining hall before my friends get there and I will sit down and eat by myself. Suddenly someone will come and sit with me, because obviously it would be rude to ignore me and go sit somewhere else. On the contrary! I think it is actually ruder of you to sit down across from me without unplugging yourself, without saying a single word, without recognizing the simplest of social conventions – conversation. If you can’t muster up the energy/strength/courage/confidence/etiquette to talk to me because you would rather just listen to your music – don’t sit with me. 

Emotional Fluffer

What is a fluffer? A fluffer is a position on a pornography set. The fluffer is employed to keep the talent aroused. Their duties do not always involve touching the stars, but will often involve fellatio or non-penetrative sex. I like to think of a fluffer as a middle man; the kingpin (Talent #1) doesn’t work the corner, they have dealers (the middle man, or fluffer) move the product to the client (Talent #2). If this metaphor doesn’t make sense to you, you’re either not from where I’m from, or you haven’t watched enough movies.

                So how can a fluffer be put into an emotional context? An emotional fluffer is someone (most likely male) who gets a woman emotionally ready for a strictly sexual encounter. Why would a woman need someone like this? Women generally tend to find it harder to separate sex and emotion, so if they find themselves in a “friends with benefits” relationship, they may find it hard to continue with it since there is no emotional aspect. *Enter fluffer* A fluffer is a friend (male) who will get the woman ready (fluff her up) for her sexual encounter by being a boyfriend without the benefits – how ironic. He will hang out with her, eat meals with her, disclose personal information, talk on the phone late at night, fantasize about her, and never even get so much as a kiss. Basically, he will date her so she feels like she there is an emotional aspect to the meaningless sex she will have later with another man.

                Men do not choose to be fluffers, they get appointed to be fluffers, against their will, beyond their comprehension. They do not realize they are a fluffer until they get told by an upstanding citizen who has been observing from a distance for far too long – a true friend. However, it is often too late at this point and the fluffer has caught feelings. The fluffer, confused, must at this point refuse to fluff anymore, but must resist the urge to request to be more than a fluffer. If he catches feelings, why wouldn’t he try to go for what he wants? Because the woman in this situation has not made an executive decision to obtain a fluffer, she has done it subconsciously in an attempt not to lose self-respect for what she perceives to be promiscuous behavior.

               On this subconscious level, the woman is likely attracted to her fluffer, both emotionally and physically. However, she is unable to come to this realization, as she is unable to separate sex and emotion. So as long as she is having sex with the friend with benefits, the fluffer will remain insignificant. Consequently, as long as she is not having sex with the fluffer, she will not realize the emotional connection that they probably share.

                How can she not realize that she is not only unhappy if she has sex without the fluffer, but she is only emotionally satisfied when the fluffer is around to keep her “aroused”? If she just embraced the emotional connection, and added the sexual component, it seems as if she would have herself the recipe for a great romantic relationship. This is true. This is also where she would say something like “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Fluffing ruins friendships. Less fluff, more luff (love…. Ugh).