Pet Peeve #31 – Look Ma! No Hands!

                Coughing and sneezing without covering your mouth is utterly repulsive, not to mention unhygienic. With a simple hand, elbow, tissue, hanky, or any other tool you can use to cover your mouth you can solve a variety of problems.

                First of all, sneezing looks downright atrocious. If you cover your mouth while you sneeze at least part of that unfortunate face you are making is covered to ease the embarrassment.

                Next we have the projectiles shooting out of your face at 200mph. Nobody wants to see, smell, taste, or feel that shit anywhere near them. If you are a person with bad breath, your sneezes smell like wet dog, feel like a sticky warm cloud of mouth fart, taste like whatever the fuck you have been eating, and look like this:

                That’s frickin’ gross. And all the shit flying from the mouths of these no mouth covering ass, sneezing ass, germ spreading ass, Neanderthals, is now in the air for the rest of us to recycle – yum. So when you sneeze without covering it up, people are walking around sucking you your germs – and so contagion begins.

                If you are in fact considerate enough to cover your mouth when you sneeze, be sure to wash your hands otherwise you have just relieved the whole exercise of any purpose. Let’s be clean please ad thank you.

Head Nod of Regret VS. Inception Head Nod

These two head nods are a powerful form of communication among men. Although they are similar, they mean very different things and no words need to be said to convey the messages of these nods.

                First we have the head nod of regret. This is especially common on Sunday mornings. Picture this: I wake up – my head is pounding – I wipe the eye boogers out of my eye – I take a sip of my bedside water – I realize that my bed feels unusually small – I look to my left and my right – to my right I see the back of a girls head – FROM HERE IT CAN ONLY GO TWO WAYS, KEEP IN MIND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE HEAD NOD OF REGRET – because of all of my stirring, the girl moves, she rolls over – I see her face – I discover that not only is she unfortunate looking, but she is a clingy drama queen – I need to pee so I get out of bed – I open the door and head to the bathroom – my housemates door is open – I see some girl in his bed, making herself at home – I go to the bathroom, the door is closed – the door opens before I get a chance to knock – my housemate is obviously going through it – he notices that I am going through it – we give each other a comforting nod that says, “I am fully aware of your situation and I know you are aware of mine, lets never speak of this again.”

                Now we have the inception head nod, also common on Sunday mornings, but seen more regularly throughout the week than the head nod of regret. So picture this: I wake up – my head is pounding – I wipe the eye boogers out of my eye – I take a sip of my bedside water – I realize that my bed feels unusually small – I look to my left and my right – to my right I see the back of a girls head – FROM HERE IT CAN ONLY GO TWO WAYS, KEEP IN MIND WE ARE NOW TALKING ABOUT THE INCEPTION HEAD NOD – because of all of my stirring, the girl moves, she rolls over – I see her face – I discover that she is actually Elle Macpherson in her prime– I smile smugly to myself – I need to pee so I get out of bed – I open the door and head to the bathroom – my housemates door is open – I see some girl in his bed, naked, very naked – I go to the bathroom, the door is closed – the door opens before I get a chance to knock – my housemate is smiling smugly to himself – he notices that I am beaming with self-pride – we give each other a comforting nod that says, “We’ve done it.”

*Head nods start at about 2:45*

                Guys, you know what I’m talking about.

Pet Peeve #30 – Wobbly Chairs/Tables

What kind of amateur hour carpenter builds tables and chairs these days? There is nothing worse than sitting down for a nice meal and then suddenly finding out that you are not at a regular table, but you are in fact sitting down at an earthquake simulator. If I wanted to get dizzy I wouldn’t sit down, no, I would go to a theme park and ride a roller coaster, run around in circles, or drink 30 beers.

                Remember rulers, levels, and try squares? I took a woodwork class in 10^th grade and I could construct a better table and chair than what is currently accepted by the market today. IKEA. Don’t even get me started on IKEA. If you are going to make me put together my own furniture for low, low prices, at least make sure every leg is the same length. My books are for reading, not for leveling out my table so my drink doesn’t slide off it.

                Some of you are going to go ahead and play devil’s advocate here. I won’t allow it. I am completely aware of the legs which have the little cork piece on the bottom in an attempt to fight against the scuffing of tiles. I’ll tell you how good that idea is – about zero good out of ten. When the cork piece inevitably detaches itself from the leg we get a not only a wobbly chair or table, but we get a scuffed up tile. That right there is the definition of an invention gone wrong. The saddest part about it is people still make chairs and tables like this like they are really solving a problem.

                I would rather take up yoga and limber up, move to Japan, and start eating all of my meals on the floor with my legs crossed at mini tables… Those mini tables better not be wobbly though…