Pursuit of Happiness

Never let other people dictate your happiness. This may sound like good advice; it has a certain wisdom about it. However, after reflecting upon this guidance it occurred to me that all we do is look for people who make us happy. Our moods are hardly ever affected by internal factors. We get happy because someone did something nice and mad because someone screwed us.

                Obviously we would never seek out someone who pisses us off, but to tell me not to let other people dictate my happiness doesn’t make sense. The whole reason relationships are formed is because these people make our lives better in one way or another. We search our whole lives for a husband or a wife, someone who we love unconditionally, someone who can always keep a smile on our face.

                Everybody has dreams, some people achieve them with ease, and some people have to continually overcome adversity. When it looks like we are not going to reach a goal because of an uncontrollable factor, we need to take alternate routes. But if someone is in a position to help you achieve your goal and they don’t it is easy to have a pity party. These are the people who affect us emotionally regardless of the lack of an intimate relationship. When we encounter these people, we have to remember that there is another way to reach our goals, it may be a longer road, there may be more roadblocks, but it is another road nonetheless.

                Heartbreak leaves a rancid aftertaste. When you are in love with somebody and they break your heart, nothing will heal it but time… And that’s if you’re a lucky one. Searching for gratification in others will not fill the void left by that person. “There’s other fish in the sea,” doesn’t help. “The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” terrible advice, you might not think of them for a fraction of a second, but they will come creeping back into your head. Why? Because humans are emotional creatures. We have evolved not only to have physical reflexes, but emotional reflexes as well. We get addicted to love, and heartbreak is our withdrawal.

                My point? To be happy, we have to be vulnerable. If we let no one in, we never let ourselves out. We cannot reach our full potential by putting up a cold, tough front. We will be less happy by doing this because we will not let people into our lives due to the risk of disappointment. There are people out there who will make us happy and people who will make us sad. But if we give no one a chance, we don’t give ourselves a chance. Whether we like it or not, our happiness will always be determined by external factors. Find who makes you happy and hold on.

Pet Peeve #24 – Habitual Sniffers

Have you ever been in a quiet room? A room so peaceful, so tranquil, so easy to concentrate on yourself and on your thoughts? A room so easy to focus in? Have you ever taken a yoga class and been so relaxed, so at one with your qi that you thought nothing could interrupt your moment of calm? Have you ever been in an exam trying to read a question, but you couldn’t finish reading it? There was just a repetitive noise breaking your focus? No matter what you did or how hard you tried, you just couldn’t read, or better yet, answer the question? Have you ever been in a quiet room with a sniffing person?

                Have these people ever heard of a tissue? A runny nose is not a comfortable feeling, so why would you not put an end to it with a swift nose blow? Why would you just prolong the uncomfort of a snotty nose? Hearing people sniff is not the most attractive sound I can think of. As a matter of fact, if I hear it for long enough I begin to feel queasy. I know I am not alone when I say this is a distracting sound. I feel like cursing people out when they sniff in a quiet room. It doesn’t even have to be in a test situation. It can be in the library, when you are trying to sleep, when you are in class, or anything similar. However, instead of cursing these people out, or even asking them to blow their nose, I just sit quietly and drive myself insane.

                I can’t be too mad at these people though. If they are anything like me, they can go all semester without having a runny nose. They will get to their test and their nose will be dry. As soon as that paper gets put on the desk, the nose starts running. What is up with that? I know it’s always the same kids with a runny nose too, don’t think I don’t take a mental note. Your uppance will come.

                Since I can’t stand the sound or the feeling of a runny nose, I excuse myself from the room to go fix the problem. Sometimes when you are sick there is a definite problem with the plumbing – you need to prepare yourself for this. If you are not well enough o leave your house – don’t. If you can leave the house, but you have the sniffles – travel pack of tissues. There is a solution to every problem. Sniffing is not a solution, it is a procrastination.

                Here’s your starter kit:

Happy Feaster

This blog was inspired by some wildly inappropriate dinner conversation. I have friends from both sexes who do not think they are making any headway… I’m talking about oral sex.

                This goes out to both men and women – you have to give a little to get a little. “Ew I hate doing that!” Is not good enough, because you and I both know how much you like to get it. From this painfully inappropriate talk at dinner, the consensus was made that men both ask for it and receive it more than women. So ladies, I’m going to help you out. Don’t get used to it.

                Guys, you think you got those magic fingers? So you don’t have to go down on your girl? I got news for you dude, no such thing. Lips and tongues are much softer than fingers, cocks, and dildos. We gotta chill with the violent fingerblasting and hit ‘em with some of that TLC.

                Now guys don’t get me wrong, it sounds like I’m talking about this pretty casually, like you should just go diving on any woman you bring home. I certainly think not. Give YOUR GIRL some TLC. On a one night stand I don’t care if you pre-ejaculate twice like that dude who fucked a pie and then tell her to go home. But the lord knows that your girl goes down on you like she’s a malnourished Somalian, I’m just doing her a favor and asking you to return the favor.

                Now here are some problems you might run into, but of course I got the solutions for all you Simple Simon ass motherfuckers out there.

                “I don’t like the taste.”
                Flavored lube.

                “I don’t know where everything is down there.”
                Read a book.

                “I don’t really know what I’m doing when I’m down there.”
                It’s your girl, you should be comfortable enough to ask. Don’t learn from porn, a lot of things are done for the camera. The screaming is fake. Apparently what we watch online actually “feels like a cobra striking my vagina.”

                “I don’t want herpes.”
                Don’t eat out at restaurants you’re not familiar at without a recommendation. Oh, and don’t date whores.

                Happy Feaster and a creative cunnilingus!

Pet Peeve #23 – Passenger Seat Drivers

If you want to drive, just say you want to drive. I’ve talked about people who are under the impression they are superior athletes or ESPN sports analysts even though they are at home sipping on a cold one. These people are somewhat similar to passenger seat drivers – they don’t want to drive, but they have no qualms in telling you what a shitty job you’re doing, or at least how much better they would be doing.

                If I’m driving 59 in a 60 and you see the needle slowly approaching the 60, don’t tell me, “Watch your speed, this is a 60.” I know this is a 60. I’m not speeding. I’m going 59.9. Everything is going to be alright. On the other end of the spectrum, if I am going 55 in a 60 I am fully aware. It probably means that I am not in a rush and I am driving somewhat safely, so don’t give me any, “This is a 60 bro come on! What are you waiting for!?” Truth is that I’m waiting for nothing. We are only driving five minutes to the store, it will still be there when we get there – I promise.

                Don’t act all afraid when I’m driving. Don’t tell me directions unless I ask. Don’t tell me you know a shortcut when you don’t. Don’t touch me. Don’t insinuate that I don’t know where I’m going. Don’t tell me what lane I should be in. Don’t tell me who and when to overtake. Don’t tell me, “Green means go.” Don’t evaluate my parking skill. Just sit in your fucking seat and play DJ or entertain me with some interesting conversation.

InterdePETndance

Are you in a serious relationship? Yes you say? I beg to differ. Until you and your partner buy a pet together, you are not in a serious relationship. You might be in a monogamous relationship. You might be in love. But you are not serious.

                What is my thought process here? We might not admit it, or even consciously think about it, but when we get a pet with the person we love – we are practicing. “Practicing for what, Clay?” Practicing for taking care of babies, seeing what kind of parents we will be, seeing if we can keep something alive that depends on us for food, shelter, love, and compassion. “Claybrin, that’s nonsense.” Okay, well start talking to your partner about getting a pet together and see what their reaction is. I’m telling you right now you might as well drop down on one knee and propose. A pet is a commitment; the only positive thing here is that animals aren’t emotionally screwed after their owners separate.

                When you decide to get a pet with your partner you are essentially saying “I do.” How do you go and buy something that you will both have an emotional connection to and expect to have an out clause? If by some miracle you do manage to escape the relationship, whoever is left with the animal is left with a constant reminder of their ex. As if getting over someone isn’t hard enough.

                Getting a pet together is only one step less stupid than getting matching tattoos. A tattoo is a permanent reminder of the person, so when you break up you feel like a real tool, and when you are trying not to think about them all you have to do is look at your imbecilic little tattoo on your ankle, or the wasted space on your wrist, or better still – the name tattooed on your heart… Ew. At least the pet will eventually die and take all its stupid little reminders with it.

                Get married first – then get pets.