Happy Feaster

This blog was inspired by some wildly inappropriate dinner conversation. I have friends from both sexes who do not think they are making any headway… I’m talking about oral sex.

                This goes out to both men and women – you have to give a little to get a little. “Ew I hate doing that!” Is not good enough, because you and I both know how much you like to get it. From this painfully inappropriate talk at dinner, the consensus was made that men both ask for it and receive it more than women. So ladies, I’m going to help you out. Don’t get used to it.

                Guys, you think you got those magic fingers? So you don’t have to go down on your girl? I got news for you dude, no such thing. Lips and tongues are much softer than fingers, cocks, and dildos. We gotta chill with the violent fingerblasting and hit ‘em with some of that TLC.

                Now guys don’t get me wrong, it sounds like I’m talking about this pretty casually, like you should just go diving on any woman you bring home. I certainly think not. Give YOUR GIRL some TLC. On a one night stand I don’t care if you pre-ejaculate twice like that dude who fucked a pie and then tell her to go home. But the lord knows that your girl goes down on you like she’s a malnourished Somalian, I’m just doing her a favor and asking you to return the favor.

                Now here are some problems you might run into, but of course I got the solutions for all you Simple Simon ass motherfuckers out there.

                “I don’t like the taste.”
                Flavored lube.

                “I don’t know where everything is down there.”
                Read a book.

                “I don’t really know what I’m doing when I’m down there.”
                It’s your girl, you should be comfortable enough to ask. Don’t learn from porn, a lot of things are done for the camera. The screaming is fake. Apparently what we watch online actually “feels like a cobra striking my vagina.”

                “I don’t want herpes.”
                Don’t eat out at restaurants you’re not familiar at without a recommendation. Oh, and don’t date whores.

                Happy Feaster and a creative cunnilingus!