The Succubus Queen

Although succubi are supposed to be medieval legend, I am going to take this opportunity to put out a PSA to describe what they do, how they do it, and the effects they have on their male counterparts, the incubus.

Supposedly a succubus is a female demon who appears in dreams in the form of a human woman to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. Repeated intercourse with a succubus was said to have the affects of serious deterioration of health or even death.

Sounds pretty serious. I wish it was true that succubi only existed in dreams, but the truth is that they walk among us every damn day. Most of you reading this probably have a friend who is under the treacherous spell of the succubus. How can you tell? There are a few ways:

1) He is ALWAYS with her.

2) He is constantly complaining about how tired and lethargic he is.

3) When he complains about her and you say, "What a bitch," He says, "Hey, watch it, that's my girl you're talking about."

4) He cries when he watches love movies.

5) He sleeps on "his side of the bed" even when she isn't around

6) He is obviously scared to disobey her - like a dog to it's trainer.

Succubi in medieval folklore took the form of a human only in dreams, however, nowadays they are always in human form, taking victims one by one. And they have figured out that by killing their prey they cannot reproduce, so they invented numerous ways of reproduction to keep their species alive. However, reproduction is a gamble since there is the same chance of having a boy, then the female/succubus chances are split 50/50. Their mating habits include:

The high-school slut:
Ever seen the televison shows Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant? Succubi.
The hood-rat:
These chicken-heads in the hood are going around making a living by spreading more than their fair share of diseases and collecting on child support. Succubi.
The early marriage:
Professionals at what they do. By training their boyfriends to switch to the more feminine mindset of 'the Cinderella story' and legitimately believing they will grow old together after being high school sweethearts, these young men believe that proposing is a rational decision. Early marriage = living together from a younger age = starting a family earlier = spawn of succubi.
The "don't worry about it, I'm on the pill" trick:
Pretty self explanatory.. #HazedBySuccubus.
The sneaky hole in the condom trick:
I haven't heard of any cases of this within my social network, but I have heard stories about this. I am hoping that this and the above act of desperation are rarer than it seems. If people really do these last two things they have got to be severely mentally damaged and in need of more than just medication. This is the ultimate mating dance. A brilliant smoke and mirrors act of the succubus queen.


All of which result in:

The marriage at an acceptable age:
Now I am not totally against marriage, but to the young pups out there who think they are in love and contemplating buying a ring, just remember that marriage is a 3-ring circus; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING. Chances are that if you actually pump your breaks and wait for everything to happen instead of trying to force yourself to fall in love early, you will avoid falling for a succubus, and we will all wish you the best 'til the very end. On the other hand if you allow your ignorance to take over your mind, body, and soul, and you decide to get married while you still live with you parents. Shame on you. No mercy.