False Advertising

Guys tend to be more attracted to women who wear minimal make-up. Not because they look like cheap, plastic, fake, cake-faced tramps when they wear it. But when we see girls with make-up caked on, we can't help but wonder what they are hiding. Make-up is the exact inverse of sexy lingerie; the deal with sexy lingerie is that we get so turned on by what we can't see underneath, however with make-up we are nervous to find out what God has burdened you with. How many optical illusions do these David-Blain-esque women have up their sleeves? Fake eye lashes, fake tan, hair dye, make-up, fake nails, and wonder bra just to name a few.

Now a wise man once said, "Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights lie," (Nate Dogg R.I.P. 1969 - 2011) which obviously means when you are in the club and you think a girl is attractive, you better look twice, ESPECIALLY if she has make-up piled on. Strobe lights have the potential to turn an unfortunate looking wench into a classically beautiful starlet. Please do not be fooled.

On a one-night-stand there are two HUGE problems:
1) Make-up on YOUR pillow the next morning because obviously she didn't bring any make-up remover with her and she slept all over your linen with her artwork.
2) Once she has showered and she comes out smiling because she's so proud of herself for tricking you, she looks like the fucking elephant man

Please relax with the make-up. Yes, you're right, you can trick a drunk guy into sleeping with you, but to the sober ones - you look like you've been shot in the face by a paint-ball CANNON.

The ladies also have a habit of tricking us more than just visually. Remember meeting girls who seem like a lot of fun and just genuinely good un-crazy people? Yeah, so dating her is a good idea then right? Wrong. This is NOT scientifically proven, but at an educated guess I'm going to have to say that 9 out of 10 girls that seem un-crazy are in fact completely out of their freaking minds. When you first meet them it seems like they are always up for a good time, "Yay let's party just like we did when we first met!" Then they start to relax a little, they want to go out to dinner on Saturday nights and shit starts getting real expensive; movies, restaurants, gas money. 2 problems with this:
1) I thought Friday night was 'date night'?!?!?!
2) When I ask for a night off of this Saturday night dating malarkey to hang out with my friends its all like, "You see your friends every day." So now she owns me.
This is how we know shes starting to become a little too much... Stage 5? Yep. Read my earlier blog about stage 5 clingers if you don't know what I'm talking about. You know how it goes from here - "I love you," "I can't live without you," "Who the fuck is that slut liking your Facebook status?" (Meanwhile its your 12 year old cousin)

They will trick you into thinking they are hot when they are really no more than your regular ugly Betty. And they will train you into thinking you are still enjoying their company and sanity, even though you are stuck, a prisoner in their web of deceit and a slave, chained up in their fortress of insanity - only to be saved by your friends watching from the outside for weeks/months/years before they eventually sky-dive into the proverbial prison you are locked away in indefinitely to break you the fuck OUT.

It's a dog eat dog world out there people. Stay safe.