This is a list of the top ten things we do as men to get thrown in the dog-house. Don't get it twisted, none of these things are intentional. This is a list of ten things we do as men, naturally hard-wired to perform in such ways.
1. We are sports addicts
Sunday is the main day for sports globally. However, it is also a phenomenally common misconception (by women and feminine men) that Sunday is the main day for cute little activities with your spouse. NO. There is pretty much infinite sports televised on Sundays, and if there is a Main Event that you want us to miss, it won't happen. Is sports more important than a relationship? This can be answered in a few ways;
1) Yes
2) Only on Sundays
3) No baby, I love eating organic $40 salads before going for a walk in the botanic gardens... On Superbowl Sunday.
Now here is where it can get confusing. Often we will meet women that we share a lot in common with, even our passion for sports and spectatorship. Perfect girl right? Wrong. Who is going to do the weekly clean up if we are both sitting our asses on the couch watching the game? Who is cooking the meal for half time? Sure its nice to order food every now and then, but home cooking is what a man loves most.
Finally for the average woman who does not care about sports. Whether we play or watch, she does not want us to talk about sports all day everyday. She wants us to talk about our feelings and our future. What do we hope to achieve in this relationship? I don't know, but Pitt lost last night honey, I'm not in the right frame of mind to talk about all this.
Yeah, our passion for sports makes women near homicidal.
2. We finish nothing - except watching our sports
Name something. We won't finish it. You want us to do those dishes? Sure baby, take a break you've been on your feet all day. UNDOUBTEDLY you will come back to the sink and there will be 1 dirty dish at the very least. You need the drain pipes unclogged? I'm the man of the house, I got this. Let me just take this apart here, unclog this here and... Oh I didn't put the pipes back together? Oh I must've forgot! What's that sweetheart? You need the car fixed? But you don't want me to do it because I slacked on the drain pipes? I'll call a mechanic then. Open up the Yellow Book, circle the number, put it next to the phone... Why is the car still broken a week later? Because we don't. Finish. Shit.
3. We are sloppy
When we shave, we leave our stubble in the sink. We NEVER make the bed. Occasionally we might pee on the toilet seat. On lazy Sundays we like to wear dirty shirts with BBQ sauce from ribs spilled all over the front lookin' like an abstract Picasso tee. We clip our nails to keep you happy, but only you know where the vacuum cleaner is, so until you do the vacuuming we will both be treading on clippings. Oh and we like to readjust our package with a swift hand down the boxers. Nothing to love there.
4. We have housework blindness
See that stack of dishes? We don't. See the pile of washing making the chair look invisible? We still see the chair. Feel that crap on your feet when you walk in the house barefoot? We NEVER walk barefoot. You smell that? So did we, so we just watched TV in the other room instead.
5. When we are sick we act like you have never felt how we are feeling right now
We have a tendency to grossly over exaggerate our illnesses to try and get your sympathy. Does your sympathy make us feel better? No, but we get to be lazy without getting yelled at. You must hate that.
6. We drink too much
Its not the drinking that you have a problem with. Its the social embarrassment that comes with it. The constant shit talk, the groping, the stuff we break, the people we want to fight, etc. Then we make it home and you think you may have escaped the tomfoolery that went on earlier in the night. That assumption is a rookie mistake. We are about to try to seduce you with rotten sex talk, often louder than it needs to be due to our drunken inability to control our volume. Finally your prayers will be answered and we will pass out and stop talking... but only from our mouth. We are still prone to communication from the sinus and ass, with drunken snoring and flatulence.
7. We keep our socks on
During sex you hate that we do the no pants dance, socks still on. You tell us that it is not sexy and that it is also symbolic that after a few months of a relationship that we believe we do not have to continue to put effort in to anything we do, including beneath the sheets. We proceed to tell you that you are in fact an idiot because naked feet are easily less sexy than socked feet, which is a huge mistake on our behalf. Don't call her an idiot, even if she says idiotic things, just pretend idiocy is cute. A related dislike to this is that girls NEVER want to see us wearing just a t-shirt. It does not work for us because more often than not, we are too tall to make that work - and your woman doesn't want to see you wearing a nighty anyway, so I have to agree with this one, cut out the "completely naked other than t-shirt" look.
8. We look at other women
How did you know? We are always subtle when our eyes wander. Stop looking at what? That girl with all the cleavage and the mini skirt? But I didn't even see her! I think theres a mark on the wall behind her.. We know that you don't get that mad when we turn our heads at obvious stunners, I mean like celebrity kind of attractive. But when we turn our head at anything in a skirt, thats what infuriates you, right? Okay, we'll stop...
9. We lie
About our height, weight, how much we lift, what we ate for lunch, where we are, where we're going, where we were, how we got there, who we were with, where we work, where we went to school, who our friends are, how much money we make, what car we drive. Everything. But you lie about your age, so stop complaining.
10. We go for sexy, not classy
Take us shopping and as us which skirt we like more and which top looks better. We will have you dressed like a professional in no time. A professional slut. If it were up to us, the world would be full of women walking around looking like high-class hookers. Do yourselves a favor and don't take us shopping.
I hope this was insightful for both men and women, but there is a question I'm sure many are asking: if there are so many things women dislike about us, why do they still date us? I have covered this in a previous blog, but it is a question that will be asked often. The answer is that they want to tame the beast that is man. A questionable task with no sure cases of 100% success.
No comments:
Post a Comment