Pet Peeve #13 - Just In Case

                I am not mentally disabled. You do not have superpowers. So why do people act like either of these could be an option?

                If I am with a group of people and I try to open a door to a house, car, room, or anything of the sort, and it is locked – why is it that someone else who also does not have a key thinks that if they try the door will open for them? Odds are that I tried to push and pull. I tried to turn the knob both ways. I tried a little jimmy – the door is just locked. But there is always that friend that watched you fail to open the door. That friend who will push past you to give it a try themselves. That keyless friend who will try to use his powers to open the door. What are you the kings of the doors? The doormeister?

                This same person will stand next to you while you wait for an elevator. They will watch you press the button. They will watch the button light up. But their simple, impatient ass will still press the button again just to make sure the elevator is coming.

                When you want to cross a road and you press the button, this friend will see and hear the button get pressed. The traffic however, still has a green light. So of course your friend has to press the button again. Not once. Not twice. But infinite times. And yes, I understand that 29 seconds feels like a long wait, but I can wait until my little green man shows up. My friend, after pressing the button so much that it needs replacing, will still J-walk. Sometimes I hope this friend gets a friendly little ticket from a police officer.

Meeting Places

Where we meet someone can be a crucial part of a first impression. We can learn a lot about someone from where we meet them, and they can learn a lot about us. Is this a problem? I don’t think so. I think it is just a healthy insight into an individual’s personality, socioeconomic status, or interests. They say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” And I completely agree. This is just a general expectation you can get of someone from where you meet them.

                Museum
                If you meet someone here there is a good chance they are cultured. They are curious and wondrous. They have an appreciation for both the simple and complex things in life. They like to think of themselves as intelligent individuals. They are probably accepting of people from all walks of life. Their curiosity has the potential to get the best of them in relationships, as they may wonder who else you are talking to. Their appreciation however, allows them to be relatively laid back. Their intelligence may at times lead them to be argumentative, which will allow you and them to learn a lot about each other.

                Grocery Store
                They are independent (as long as they are not shopping with Mommy). If you happen to catch a glimpse in their cart you can find out a lot more. A lot of raw ingredients? It can be assumed that they know their way around the kitchen. They are adventurous and enjoy different cuisines and the task of attempting to cook them themselves. No meat? Vegetarian… If that’s what you’re into. A lot of Easy-Mac? Lazy. Microwave meals for our microwave society. Everything needs to be instant. They probably do not understand the meaning behind the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

                Bar (Night)
                Fun loving and social. Do not really enjoy their own company. Social status is important to them – they like to be “known”. Can you trust someone you meet in a bar? Probably not. There is every chance that there is someone else at home or on the other end of a text. It’s hard to have a conversation in there so you have to judge them a lot on body language, dancing, and appearance. Such a superficial environment, fine for one night stands but I wouldn’t recommend searching for love in there.

                Bar (Day)
                Fun loving and social. Enjoys a good meal and probably a drink or two. Probably talkative. Depending on the bar – they are possibly a sports fan. You can learn a lot about these people because they like to talk. They are up for a little bit of early self-disclosure, nothing too deep, but enough to figure out whether you want to get to know them more. Probably have a good taste in music, a similar taste in music to you since you are in the same bar.

                School
                Fun loving and intelligent. There is such a large mix of people at school that it is not as easy to make judgments at a glance. Location of school can say a lot. Their major can say a lot. And where on campus you see them can say a lot. The gym says something different than the library. In class says something different than at a party. This is more of a random environment; where you could meet your true love, or a bitch with herpes. It’s a gamble, and gambling is a dangerous addiction.

                I’m not telling you to go to museums and bars at day time. I’m just saying these are some generalizations that I have come up with about people who you meet at certain places. Do what you like with this information, which by the way has not been studied, so to people complaining to me about my ambiguity and sexism. Relax its entertainment. And I know you like it, that’s why you keep coming back ;)

Pet Peeve #12 - Hold-On Talkers

When I call and ask for someone, common sense should tell you that I want to talk to who I asked for, not to whoever answered the phone. People have a habit of turning the phone call into their own. It makes calling your house a chore. Its okay to make a little small talk while you search for the person the phone call was actually intended for, but it becomes obvious when you have taken a seat in a recliner and jacked the phone call.

                “Hello, Dave speaking.”
                “Hi Dave, its John. Is Fred there?”
                “Sure, hold on… Anyway, how have you been?”

                You get the picture.

                Now Fred gets mad at me because I never return his calls. The truth is that I want to call him back, but his housemate, Dave, is too much to deal with. I officially never want to hear Dave’s voice again. Dave’s phone etiquette it below par to say the least. If I wanted to talk to Dave, the above dialogue would go quite differently:

                “Hello, Dave speaking.”
                “Dave! Just the man I wanted to talk to! How are you?”
                “Great! What can I do ya for?”

                Etc.

                I know a few of you reading this are in Dave’s shoes and you think you are just being friendly. But as I said, there is a line between a little small talk during your search for Fred and phone jacking. Just find Fred and put him on the phone. I’ll talk to you another time, Dave.

A Few Things About Break-Ups

Breaking up is the termination of a relationship. It can be smooth or it can be a disaster. It can be public or private. It can be loud or quiet. It can be expected or unexpected, but one thing is for sure, we can learn from each and every break-up we experience, whether it’s firsthand experience or second. Here are a few things I have learned and would like to learn about.

                The first breakup never sticks. All relationships have their ups and downs and once we fall out of the “honeymoon period” and have the first extended period of negativity, we tend to exaggerate the extent to which the negativity has reached. This may inspire a breakup. We have all witnessed the first breakup. It is always called the first breakup because it is never the last breakup. The first breakup is almost like an empty threat. Or exactly like an empty threat. It means absolutely nothing. Everyone knows you are getting back together. Sometimes it is so short-lived that no one even knows there was a first break-up because the “final” fight didn’t even make it out the door and the making up had already began. Friends never say the way they truly feel after the first breakup because there is always a relational resurrection. Once we are sure the breakup is final, “She’s a bitch anyway!” comes out. We don’t say this after the first breakup because when you fall back in love with her you will snitch to her and start drama and resent us for it like a little schoolboy bitch - so we bite our tongues. The first breakup never sticks.

                Is it ever okay not to break up face to face? I mean, if you’ve only been on a few dates and you just can’t seem to find a connection, can you just make a phone call? Is there a certain number of dates which marks the face to face breakup threshold? I think the number should be five, maybe even six. Does sex play a part in the face to face break up? If she puts out on the first night I think the sex can be ignored, but if you had to work for it she probably really ended up liking you and deserves the face to face break up. What is so respectful about the face to face breakup anyway? Why would anyone want someone watching their heart break? It’s not a spectator sport; it’s not in the Olympics. There is no joy for either party in the face to face break up, so what makes it so important? I think I would like to be broken up with over text. That way she can’t see my disappointment, sadness, or anger. She can’t hear my voice tremble over the phone. And when I go blind with rage there is no threat of violence. The text break up sounds like the best idea to me. Proposals. Proposals should be face to face.

                Is the preemptive breakup a good idea? If you fear that your girl is going to break up with you, do you try and break up with her first? I think that you can only win in this situation (assuming that you know for a fact that she is going to break up with you). If you break up with her first you avoid needing to explain yourself to family and friends. Also, maybe if by chance this girl is a MESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS, maybe the threat of a breakup will knock her down a few pegs and she will end up doing whatever she can for your approval. ACHTUNG – The old flipperoo is an EXTREME best case scenario.

                How do you break up with a friend? If you have just had enough of a friend and you are on the verge of killing them, what do you do? Is it the same as a break up? Do you hit them with the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or do you simply tell them you think you should have a break? Do friends deserve a face to face break up? What if they cry? Do we go back on our word and say we still want to be friends? Nope! It doesn’t matter because the best way to break up is over text, remember? And the only way you can see them cry is if they send you a :’( which doesn’t make you feel half as bad!

Pet Peeve #11 – Obnoxious Night Walking

No matter where you are in the world, how new the place is that you’re staying at –at night time it is noisy. When people are trying to sleep and the house is quiet, sound is amplified by, I don’t know – a million.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

                I don’t care if it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanza, Independence Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Australia Day, The Queen’s Birthday, Kentucky Derby, or NBA Finals – there is always something stirring at night, making enough noise to drown out a Snoop Dogg concert.

                It is almost always for a midnight tinkle, sometimes a midnight snack, but people get up in the middle of the night far too often. It doesn’t matter how you move, you will make noise. You are not a ninja. When you walk it sounds like someone has the Jungle Book playing at full blast on the scene when the elephants parade. I don’t know where this misconception of silence at nights comes from, it is damn near impossible to walk through the house without making a sound. Clomping your feet so care free like there is no one else in the house, and then getting upset when other people make noise. Try to go to the toilet right before you go to bed. I thought this was something we learned so we would stop wetting the bed – early.

                If you think you can still get up and do everyone a favor by tip-toeing, you’re wrong. Everywhere you step is a squeaky floorboard. If you have somehow eradicated your house of the squeaky floorboard, someone has left something on the floor, and when you step on it with all of your body weight on the ball of your foot – you will scream, I promise you.

                If you have a door to open at your desired location, it will squeak. My guess is that there are a ton of doors between you and your destination. Bedroom door, toilet door, kitchen door, fridge door, so many doors, so many opportunities for a squeak or a slam. Oh you didn’t slam the door? In the middle of the night, when your ankle clicks when you are trying to tip-toe – it sounds like a fucking gun shot. So when you shut a door, yes, it sounds like you slammed it.

                Say somehow you get all this way without making a sound. I don’t care if you’re tall or short, fat or skinny, whether you stand or sit. When you pee it sounds like you are pouring a cup of tea from the top of a ladder. When you flush it sounds like the cookie monster is gargling. And when you wash your hands it sounds like Wolverine is scratching a blackboard.

                Yeah, you might get lucky and not wake anyone up. But you still have to get back into your bed with those noisy ass springs. I lie to you not, it sounds like a five car smash when you get back into bed in the middle of the night. Oh, and you’re not comfortable? So you have to writhe around for 20 minutes like you are suffering a gunshot wound to the chest? While everyone else in the house is suffering insomnia and possible hearing damage. And if you sleep with someone in your bed they have no chance of staying asleep. Memory foam you say? I don’t buy it.

Break Up by Association

When we are dating someone it is almost inevitable that our friendship groups will mix. We will meet a lot of people. Some we will love, some we will hate, but it is undeniable that we will become friends with some of them – whether it is forced friendship or not.

                Whether you become friends with her friends, or with her friends’ boyfriends – there is no way that this friendship can end in a civil manner. Once a couple breaks up it is no longer acceptable for one half to be friends with the other half’s friends. As juvenile as it may sound, sides MUST be taken. If you become friends with your girlfriend’s best friend’s boyfriend, you better believe that when you and your girl break up he will be forbidden from seeing you. Any of her male or female friends that you thought you got along with well – they aren’t allowed to see you, talk about you, or even think about you. Any of those are ultimate acts of betrayal.

                I know some guys are reading this and it’s not making sense to them. “I’ll be friends with whoever the fuck I want to be friends with.” Oh contraire, tough guy. I’m afraid to say that it’s not your choice. Your ex now controls your extended social network. With pleasure.

                With relationships less serious than engagement, this occurrence may be linked to a petty act of revenge, jealousy, or straight up vindictiveness. However, when it comes to a divorce, the maturity level of the couple would be expected to prevent any of this juvenile activity. Well, sorry. The couples of friends will take care of the immaturity for you. Since they have been conditioned from the beginning of their relationship days not to be friends with friends’ exes, they will choose which half of the break up they will remain friends with. The couple will only choose one half, they cannot choose one person each – you know how unwritten rules work. They may even voice who they have chosen and apologize that they cannot keep in touch with the other anymore.

                This is a social convention rarely noticed and rarely spoken about, but often accepted. The funny thing about it is that the friend will obey the friendship rule blindly, but when it becomes sexually driven – the backstabbing begins.

Pet Peeve #10 – Oh and You Play Basketbal!?

My skills at throwing trash are not directly correlated with my skills on a basketball court. Nor are my skills at throwing screwed up napkins into cups. So if I do by chance miss from time to time the, “Oh and you play basketball?” comment would not be missed.

                Comments like these are comparable to telling people how to do their job. Unless you are indeed an expert, keep your mouth shut. And if for some reason you are an expert at throwing trash – I care not for your advice, as I have real goals.

                If you accidentally stutter as we all can at times, it is unlikely that I will say, “Oh and you’re a speech pathologist?” If you ask me if I want anything from the store and I say, “Yes! Baby cheeses!” and you bring back a little baby Jesus, I will not say, “Oh and you work at the drive-thru at McDonalds.” These examples don’t do it for me though. Excuse me while I think of something a little more relevant.

                Something a little more along the lines of the trash-basketball impasse might be if a mechanic was driving on a highway and broke down. He looks under the hood and comes to realize that he cannot do anything about the problem and consequently he calls AAA. His friend riding with him says, “I thought you were a mechanic.” Yes, he is a mechanic. And when he is at work he has tools, spare parts, a pit, and an ENTIRE WORKSHOP. The environment is totally different. Just like when I play basketball, I play on a hardwood court, with a size 7 ball filled with air and I aim it at a hoop 10 feet in the air. I’m not throwing an arbitrary object that can weigh something different every time at a different target every time. So it’s not the same. I would not even call the two alike.

                Stop questioning my athletic ability by judging my trash throwing skills. I do not work for the sanitation department, nor do I intend to.

Always There

I feel like Elmer Fudd. I’m chasing Bugs Bunny and he just keeps getting away. Sometimes the barrel of my shotgun will be pressed right up on his nose, but somehow he will escape. Am I a bad hunter? Or is Bugs just too slick for me?

                I see people with that girl or guy that they used to have something with and they just keep popping back into their lives. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? If you’re single you know you always have that one person you can call. If you’re in a relationship you know there is that one person that could ruin it at any time. But still, there is an utter refusal to banish these people from our lives. What is our obsession? Are we that desperately in need of a security blanket? Do we always need a plan B? To me it feels like plan B only distracts from plan A. However, if you only ever focus on doing one thing at a time, you will only ever do one thing. Is this fallback person an attempt to master the art of multi tasking?

                Why do we bother getting into relationships when we have this other person waiting somewhere? Why do we bury these people in the back of our minds and dig them up when it is convenient for us? Why do we refuse to acknowledge that our acts of selfishness are capable of hurting others more than we think? It could be a first love, it could be a first sexual partner, maybe a first kiss, but more often than not there is someone that will tell you they will always have feelings for you. You may reciprocate, you may not, but whatever you do in this situation is almost certainly the truth. If you say you will always have feelings, those feelings will never fade and you will allow the person you feel so deeply about to drift in and out of your life at their leisure. If you say you don’t feel this way, you will get so frustrated at them when they continue to pop up.

                Some of us are not as lucky as others. We stand alone without reciprocation as we deliver our heart and soul to our love interest. They treat us well but they do not feel the same. You wait for what seems like forever for your chance but it never comes. Is it the friend zone or is it something else? Is it better or worse than the friend zone? Do you remain optimistic and cling to a strange hope that you gave yourself, or do you give up? You know how strongly you feel about this person and how those feelings will never change. But you also know deep down that nothing will ever be made of it. What do you do? Do you continue to generate the false hope that you have generated for so long? Do you take comfort in hope? Or do you take closure in reality?

                No matter how great a hunter someone is, they will always meet their Bugs Bunny. That vision of rabbit stew will never quite become the meal you want it to be. While your target is always in sight, it is always just out of range. So do you choose to starve? Or do you hunt different game? Siwwy Wabbit.

Pet Peeve #9 – Feet Draggers

The sound it makes when people drag their feet is up there with the AHHH sound after a drink. Borderline unbearable. Unless there is a medical reason that you physically cannot lift your feet off the ground, it is unacceptable to drag your feet. Ever heard someone scratch a chalkboard? Or cut food too aggressively on their plate? These sounds are nauseating; the dragging of feet is on par.

                I am a sneaker fanatic. It is disrespectful to sneakers around the world when you murder their relatives by dragging them along the ground. How many shoes must be destroyed before we clean up our act? We wear holes in the bottom, we scuff them, we virtually end up looking like homeless people with the damage we do to our shoes by dragging our feet. It’s unforgiveable.

                If we get into the dangerous habit early in life it may become fatal when we grow older. Yes, I said it – fatal. While our bodies are in good shape, we should train our muscle memory to remember to how lift our feet, because once we begin to fall victim to old age and deteriorate – it could be a wrap. I have witnessed and heard of far too many elderly people falling and hurting themselves and sometimes even ending up in hospital. For some reason old people love rugs. Worst thing to have a passion for when you can’t lift your feet is rugs. It is an invitation to trip and fall. Do you want to be this grandparent? I don’t think so. Pick up your act, and pick up your feet.

                Feet draggers are often the people who we see trip on things that are invisible to the untrained eye. They have the ability to trip on the sidewalk if there is a random quarter-inch rise. They then proceed to attempt to save face by examining the sidewalk, their shoes, and checking to see if anyone saw them trip. I saw! The silent observer. The social assassin. I will always be there when you don’t quite lift your foot high enough for the next step and you fall UP the staircase. I will always be there when you think you tripped on your shoelace but it was really just a line painted on the ground. I will laugh quietly to myself while I shake my head if I am too far away, but if I am near enough to you, I will let you know what I saw and I will give you the advice that you did not ask for. Pick up your feet. Save yourself. Save society.

Facebook Official

In today’s society we hear a rumor and look at our online social networks for clarification. Is this the best way to confirm unknown information? I don’t think so.

                “Did you hear Rachel and Dave broke up?”
                “No! When did that happen?”
                “I don’t know, but they aren’t together on facebook anymore.”

                Facebook though? That’s the gospel now. If you aren’t facebook official, you aren’t in a real relationship – you’re probably just “seeing” each other. It is hard to believe that this is not only accepted by our generation, but encouraged. I asked my friend the other day how he and his girl were doing. He proceeded to tell me that they were alright, “Nothing serious though, it’s not like we’re facebook official.” Needless to say, I wanted to pull his teeth out.

                ‘Facebook official’ shouldn’t only be in regard to relationship status. Since facebook and twitter are now used therapeutically by people who think they have problems, people read depressing statuses and literally believe people might be ready to inflict self harm. Obviously there are some people out there who do need help. To those people, search somewhere other than social networks for help. And for people just seeking attention, with no real problems – take a second to think about what true disadvantaged people have to go through. They don’t have time to bitch and moan on social networks because they are trying to find food and shelter for the night. Put your ‘problems’ in perspective, if you are that desperate for attention – go act crazy in the mall or something. I promise people will watch.

                The true problem with facebook is that it is a relationship destroyer. Crazy, insecure, clingy, needy girlfriends want your password? Nope. That shit simply does not fly. When we refuse to give our password, the assumption is that we are cheating. However, it is only logical not to give out your password. If everyone was supposed to have access to our facebook profiles, we wouldn’t need passwords now would we?

                Once you are in a romantic relationship, every girl that posts on your wall is trying to fuck you. They are disrespecting the girl you are with by openly trying to talk to you by posting on your wall. They pose an instant threat by saying they miss you. And god-forbid they sign off with an ‘x’ – what a slut. If you reply, you intend to sleep with her. If you write back and sign off with an ‘x’ – you may as well have cheated on your girl.

                Delete a post from your wall and you are trying to hide something. Prepare for interrogation and hide all the sharp objects in the house. Post something on a girl’s wall – flee the country. Become friends with new females – you are basically running an escort service. Post or receive a VIDEO, call suicide watch. Call her work, call her parents, call her friends, find out where she is, make sure she is safe, put her in a padded room until the storm passes. You think that’s bad? I DARE you to like a picture. I. Dare. You.

We take facebook a little too seriously. People often post things as jokes. Our friends often jump on when we are not in the room and haze us. However, we believe everything we read like it’s fucking CNN. Relax and learn the difference between reality and virtual reality. If you have to ask, “Is he/she serious?” Then wait a minute before you believe it.

Pet Peeve #8 – Hallway Etiquette

I can’t walk through a hallway or on a footpath in the world without brushing shoulders with a stranger who I have no desire to touch. Why? Because people become ignorant/blind to the world when they are walking.

                If people had as little consideration while driving as they have while walking – the majority of the human population would be erased. When we drive we drive on an allocated side of the road. Is there a reason as to why we cannot follow this same rule while we walk? I almost feel as if I am invisible at times when I try to walk and people attempt to walk through me. However, I am in fact solid and if people try to walk through me I will act as an obstruction.

                Not only do people walk on the wrong side of walkways, but they will stop abruptly midstride to have a STOP AND CHAT in the path of seemingly rival pedestrians. What is that about? Treat this situation as if it is a cell phone call while driving – pull over to the side of the road and do your talking in an effort not to harm other drivers (walkers).

                If I am having the worst day of my life, I think a person giving me some slight shoulder action walking by me could be my cathartic crash test dummy. I mean, we all feel like fighting fools in the club who bump into us and that is unintentional for the most part due to a lack of room. But if we and in an eight foot wide hallway and you bump into me I may turn homicidal. It’s like an invitation for a fight. You honestly deserve a fine if you can’t transfer road rules to walk rules. Let’s improve society with some simple hallway/sidewalk etiquette. If you choose not to… Go planking on the I-95.

The Age Differential

I often wonder why women are attracted to older men and why men are attracted to younger women. Since statistically women have a life expectancy longer than that of men, I think it should be the other way around. In the event that we do find our perfect match, we would die at approximately the same time, however, with women chasing older men, once their soul mate passes, the woman will be alone for a lengthy remainder of her life.

                So is it maturity, financial stability, image, or some other factor that makes women choose older men? I think it depends on the time of life of the individuals.

                In high school girls want the older guys because it gives them a sense of status and power. They feel like they are popular because older guys give them attention and thus the older girls accept them when they spend more time with them due to the older boyfriend. Conversely they may be resented by the older girls for taking their men, but since they are probably dating guys in university there should be no problems. Older guys also have cars – so no more walking or school bus for the girls who can get an older boyfriend.

                In college girls will most likely go for guys in higher classes, or date men who have already finished with their education. Here it becomes a question of maturity. Since women “mature more quickly than men” they can only find their intellectual equivalent in older guys. I put that in quotation marks because despite any research done to support that “fact,” I do not necessarily agree with it. There is also that sense of superiority if you are a freshman dating a senior, like, “Yeh, I’m a bad bitch.”

                After school it becomes a matter of success and financial stability. Women are designed to be mothers. They want to raise a family and to do so they need to know that they are financially secure. The older a man is – the more chance there is that he has experience and success is his profession. That’s why 40-year-old men who still work at check-outs are generally the exception to this rule and remain single for their entire lives (stay in school).

                Why do men tend to go for younger women? This needs less explanation – they still look good, duh. 

Pet Peeve #7 – Obnoxious Thirst Satisfaction

What is with people who insist upon making that god-awful “Ahhhh” sound after they drink? It is so obnoxious. It’s almost as if you think you have accomplished a major feat in swallowing a mouthful of your beverage. Is hydration cause for celebration in any place other than a desert? I quite literally feel nauseated when I hear that sound. I have to restrain myself from slapping the person’s cup out of their hands. There is no sound more unnecessary.

                If you are someone who makes this sound, I bet you can’t give me a good reason as to why. I put the house on it. This sound serves no purpose. It is just an obnoxious habit that way too many people share. Can you imagine if these people did it after every time they swallowed? A typical meal would be an absolute breath-fest. What if a person with halitosis decides to excessively exhale after a sip of a beverage? What if the company they are with is within range of the breath? It is an invitation for disaster. A catastrophic event filled with projectile puking. Mmm, yummy. Breathe on that.

                Beer. Not the greatest smelling beverage ever created. Ignorant to this fact are the obnoxious souls who choose to blow the aftermath of this gaseous brew in your face after they complete their gulp. Ew. This should be the definition of party pooper. It is a peeve which infuriates me to a level of near-uncontrollable anger. An anger that can only be remedied with a violent physical outburst

                Please put an end to this foolishness. I can’t take it much longer. It’s gross, annoying, and obnoxious, not to mention pointless. End this movement NOW!

One Date Theory

I have a theory that if you get the chance to go on a date with someone you are in to, after that first date it’s smooth sailing. This can work for both men and women, as long as both people are on the same page; otherwise you probably have a lot of game playing ahead of you.

                So you are attracted to someone who you think is kind of special. You find a way to talk to her and eventually get her number and flirt a little bit. You sense some reciprocity so you ask to hang out. You start to hang out and hook up a little more regularly, so you eventually work up the courage to ask her on a date. She accepts – phase one of the theory complete.

                You want to be sure not to over or under dress for the date. Don’t do too much, keep it simple and make sure the conversation flows. Don’t feel under pressure to impress her, but don’t let her get bored. This date is all about happy mediums. She is just as nervous as you are, so don’t overdo it and scare her away. She will appreciate a modest night out (unless you found a gold digger or SUCCUBUS QUEEN). Phase two of the theory complete.

                After this date, the person of interest should stop looking at you as just a hook up. You would have to fuck this date up real bad to not make a bunch of progress after this. I will say that if you do not want this individual to be your only girl, don’t take her on a date. It sends the wrong message and will get you in trouble with more than just her. After this date she will have a different type of respect for you. Reciprocate that respect and you will be successful in seeking the favor of the woman in question. Theory complete.

                Seems simple. However, all people seem to want to do is PLAY GAMES. Getting on the first date is the hardest part of this theory, but once you succeed in that you’re on your way to igniting the flaming relationship you are looking for.

No promises as this theory has not been tested in the field.

Pet Peeve #6 – Seriously/Literally

Females with a below average intellectual ability have a sickening tendency to use these two words incorrectly. My intent is not to be sexist, men do it too but it is extremely rare.

                “Seriouslyyyy!” Ugh, I shudder at the thought of this word being used in place of a sentence. If conversation is so weak that at some point I need to vocalize my observation that it is cold outside, please humor me and say something back with some sort of substance, “I know! Last time it was this cold my pet Wooly Mammoth caught pneumonia!” That would be interesting, something entertaining and memorable to make me realize that my conversation starter was weak. “Seriously!” just won’t cut it.

                Since I chose the enthralling weather example for seriously, I guess I will stick with it for literally. Please never, ever tell me that it’s so cold you’re literally dying – unless you want me to call an ambulance. Do we all know what literally means? Literally means you are speaking in a strict sense, with no exaggeration or inaccuracy. So if you tell me you are literally dying, it means I should do whatever I can to help you. If you literally peed your pants laughing, it means you laughed so hard that you lost control of your bladder and urinated while fully clothed. If something literally tastes like shit, it means you have in fact tasted shit before and whatever you are eating now is comparable to that taste.

“Like, seriouslyyy, it’s like sooo cold out right now, I’m literally like going to pass out. Like seriously.”

                If that is how you talk. Go ahead. Just do me a favor and don’t talk to me. If I hear you say things like this I will literally cringe and tell you to shut the fuck up – in all seriousness.

How Our Minds Differ

Her mind:

Tonight we went out for a romantic dinner. He paid. So we’re good right? But he wasn’t very talkative. I asked him if he was okay. He said everything was fine and smiled. So we’re good right? But I could tell there was so much going on in his mind. Why didn’t he tell me what was wrong? I asked him again in the car. He looked at me like I was crazy. I knew there was something wrong. So I asked again. He laughed and said everything is fine. I said, “Only fine?” He got mad. I knew something was wrong! I asked again. He said he was fine. When we got home he went to the lounge room and turned on the Xbox. I went to bed. He came up 15 minutes later and kissed me goodnight. He was asleep in 5 minutes. I cried myself to sleep.

His mind:

Xbox won’t connect to Xbox Live today. Can’t seem to figure out why. And my girlfriend is acting weirder than usual.

Pet Peeve #5 – Dripping Ice Cream

Picture this: it’s a nice summer’s day; you’re at the beach with your girl, you think its perfect weather for an ice cream and that it will be cute if you buy one for you and your girl to share. Oh contraire! Its 100 degrees out. You have two options; eat fast and get brain freeze and look like a pig, or eat at a regular pace and let sugary ice cream syrup slide down your fingers. In addition, the genius that served you this colossal ice cream gave you one miniature napkin. One. And it is so thin that when you try to clean the sticky ice cream remains of your finger with it, the napkin shreds as if Wolverine was cleaning his blades with it.

                What is the deal with the enormous mess a simple ice cream cone can make? I don’t want sticky fingers at the beach. I hate sand at the best of times, so why would I want it stuck to my fingers? The romance of the day is ruined now that I can’t hold my girls hand since I am at risk of sanding it down to the bone with my abrasive fingers. The beach is the least fun place to have sticky fingers. Unless you’re playing beach football, because you will be able to catch passes like Jerry Rice.

                It is just an ice cream cone. Do we really want that much value for our buck that we expect the tip of the ice cream to touch over passing aircraft? Drips are inevitable with these gigantic servings, and I haven’t even touched on obesity yet. The greediness and inexplicable overeating in our society might just be the cause of this pet peeve of mine. The ice cream specialist serving my ice cream thinks I expect these incomprehensible serving sizes. Sometimes I am unsure how many scoops I am allowed in my ice cream. I’ll be like, “Chocolate thanks.” And they will put in one scoop and look at me like, “What else, idiot?” So I’ll be like, “Oh, and cookies and cream.” Again this seemingly generous cone artist will look at me and this little routine will continue until he can’t reach the top of my ice cream anymore and I have to beg him not to bring out the stepladder.

                When the drips start I see people think they are beating the system by licking them up quickly. Quite the contrary. Every time you lick the cone you soften it a little (quite the opposite of the logic we might be used to). Eventually the cup part of the cone will be so soft it will collapse and you will lose your top scoop of ice cream like a situation straight out of a predictable children’s sitcom.

                 Speaking of children, why do these senseless maniacs insist on biting the bottom of the cone? Runny ice cream will fly out of the like diarrhea. And I promise they will not learn their lesson the first time they make this wearisome blunder.

                I only have one solution to this ridiculous dilemma. Smaller servings or eat out of a bowl. Why do we persist to try and stuff as much ice cream in a cone as extra-terrestrially possible? Let’s use a little self control people.

Halloween Special

Happy Halloween people! And what a Halloween it was! I wish I could post photos of some of the costumes I saw, but I really don’t feel like going around getting everyone’s permission. Feel free to post some of your best costumes in the comment box. Anyway, on to the business end of Halloween. I have no idea how long Halloween has just been an excuse to dress like a tramp, but every year you hoes never cease to amaze me. As much as I know you will all be half naked, some of these costumes stun me. They truly stun me. I could be in the middle of a conversation and will be left both speechless and motionless, hoping that the parents of these young women never see them wearing these scandalous outfits.

                Now, my understanding was that Halloween was supposed to be a night where you dress up in a scary outfit. The only thing that scares me about the whorish costumes that I see on Halloween is that one day that might be my daughter – over my dead body might I add. I recognize the evolution of Halloween from scary to almost anything that is not you; however I cannot seem to fathom the acceptability of dressing like a nightwalker. This is a confusing concept, especially to men on college campuses.

                How can you dress like a slut and not expect to get treated like one? Men filled with testosterone are walking around campus absolutely inebriated looking for a shorty to take back to their room for a little trick or treat. Drunk guys are a little too forward at the best of times, so when you have your ass and titties advertised like a damn billboard, it’s a little surprising to us when you get mad when we give a forward offer/invitation for intercourse. I felt like I was in a strip club for the majority of the weekend, was I supposed to make it rain?

                You dress like an easy target, but you are harder to hit than a stealth aircraft. What is this game you are playing? What’s wrong with dressing like your favorite movie persona? Or the standard scary character? Or something with a little creativity!? I know you don’t all dress like whores, as I said, I saw some great costumes this weekend. I’m just saying, I think the ones that decide to dress like hoes, are hoes and they are pretending not to be hoes. So to all the thirsty guys that strike out early, stay out late and try not to pass out, because these hoes will be desperate by the end of the night. Believe that. I’m glad I’m just a silent observer, otherwise I could have had a very frustrating weekend.

Love is Seasonal

                There is an awful lot of thirst floating around on college campuses. A common misconception is that athletes can snatch up these desperate broads at the drop of a dime. The truth is that certain athletes can do this, but they must get their timing right.

                Timing in this sense is not defined by what time you start talking to these girls. It’s not that simple, but at the same time it is so simple. There is a long wait for the right time, but when the time comes, the window for seduction is open for a long, long time.

                At times it gets to a point where we think girls think they are better than a lot of people, and they do, but your time will come. They think they are better than you when you are out of season, but as soon as you get into season they are all about it. We want our names to be attributed with success in our athletics. Jersey chasers want their names to be attributed with popularity, and what better way to do that than try to bag an athlete who is currently in season?

                I know a whole bunch of college girls are going to dispute this, but you probably don’t even realize that you do it. We ain’t mad at ya, got nothin’ but love for ya, do your thing shorrrrty. But if we know you’re only in it for the season, we’re only going to treat you with about as much respect as a girl from Girls Gone Wild.

                There is the popularity concept, but that is giving these ladies a little less credit than they deserve. They also like athletes because they are in shape, they are particular sport groupies, or they have dollar signs in their eyes. To the girls out there that are telling themselves and everyone around them that they like guys for who they are; sense of humor, easy to talk to, sweet, all that crap. Stop lyin’!

Pet Peeve #4 – Corny Birthday Cards

Why can people not just treat you like a human being on your birthday? The wall-post etc. is one thing. But the corny cards tick me off just as much. I do give credit to the corny birthday card because you have to actually know that it is the person’s birthday, however, not everything has to be funny.

                I’m turning 22 next year and I guarantee I will get a card that says “Happy 50^th 22^nd Birthday.” Why? That’s not even funny. I don’t know if I can even give a sympathy laugh through my nostrils for a joke that dry. Please stop the fuckery.

                Then there are the Hallmark cards that are designed to be corny. That is really someone’s job. Someone is getting paid to be corny. A cornographer. Cornelius. If you are going to dedicate your life to being corny, I may have to dedicate my life to taking your job away. People who buy me $5 corny birthday/Christmas cards are wasting their money. I will open it to check if there is a crispy bill inside and then throw it in the trash. I will only keep your card if it means something. Inspire me. Tell me how you really feel. Even if it just says, “Happy birthday clay, take care of yourself,” I will appreciate that more than, “Good luck getting any birthday sex this year, you’re older and uglier.” Oh. Oh that’s clever. That’s sooooo clever. Good job. Congratulations. Where is the nearest comedy club? I need to watch your act, you are a comic genius.

                My parent’s give the best birthday cards. Usually a heartfelt Hallmark poem followed by some parental words of wisdom and inspiration. If not, it will just be a blank card with a picture on the front. The inside filled with personal literature that makes me feel warm and loved.

                Friends are the experts on corneration. Birthday cards often telling me I’m ugly, old, bad at sex and/or impotent, or stupid. Classic banter. Annoying birthday cards. Again, I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into being a corn-meister, but I would like something a little more sensitive or intellectual in my older years. I’m not 10 anymore.

                If you are giving me a sick present though, go ahead and give me a corny card – I probably won’t even read it because I’ll be frothing so hard over the present. So enough with the dim-witted, trite, and frankly juvenile cards. If you are going to make fun of me, make it sharp and intellectual.

Sad Bitches

Lately I have been seeing all types of emotional shit getting posted on Twitter and Facebook. Usually I would say shut up and deal with your problems in a mature way instead of bitching to the world. Instead I thought I would try to respond constructively to this obvious cry for help, I just hope that the right people are reading this today.

                Ask some guys what their ultimate turn on is. If they aren’t a superficial douche bag their answer won’t be, “Ass and titties.” I know that I like a woman with confidence. However, do NOT get that twisted. A confident girl is not the same as a cocky/arrogant bitch. When I say we like confident girls, we like girls who can look in the mirror and like what they see. Girls who don’t need constant reinforcement to feel beautiful. Girls who don’t just throw their heart at us and expect us to take care of it. We want to earn your heart – this does not mean we want to play games; we just don’t want to rush into things.

                If you want to meet the love of your life – look in the mirror, it starts there. If you can’t love and respect yourself, how do you expect a guy to? It is obvious to us if you respect yourself or not. Most of the girls who don’t respect themselves are hoes. Sometimes hoes aren't even trying to be hoes (see DO HOESKNOW THEY’RE HOES?), but they have no respect for themselves and they just throw themselves at everyone in an attempt to find someone who will care for them. Some get lucky and find a guy with equally as little moral standards and respect for themselves, but the rest just get tooted and booted because we all know; you can’t make a ho a housewife.

                Bottom line is that if you love and respect yourself, we will notice and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It is all about perception, if we perceive you as a hoe – we will treat you like one. And take a look at yourself; don’t call us superficial if you are just as superficial as we are. If you are choosing your men based on materialism or attractiveness, you reap what you sow. I hope this helps some of the sad bitches out there. One.

Pet Peeve #3 – Date Night

Why does Friday night have to be date night? What is this pathetic unwritten rule? Is Friday a part of it? If I give up my Friday night for you it makes everything more special? I like to spend time with my boys on Friday nights, drinking, acting a fool, enjoying my weekend. Instead Friday night has to be date night. This means I can’t relax on a Friday, I have to spend my money and feel uncomfortable and pressured making sure I impress this girl. Ugh, what a terrible social convention.

                Friday night date night is not only an inconvenience, but there is nothing to do at night, here are the options: dinner, movie, karaoke, bowling, or clubbing. Are you kidding me?

                Dinner is super cliché, but it is still expected, whether you take her out or cook it you are under pressure. Hopefully she is not a vegetarian or allergic to anything, that will really put a spanner in the works. If the meal is shit, she is going to question your cooking skills or restaurant judgment. How can you win in this situation? Obviously you have to ask her what her favorite food is and what her favorite restaurant is, but then the odds are that she has sat in that same restaurant with another guy before you. If that’s not uncomfortable, I don’t know what is.

                Movies are the worst date choice of all time. While it does take away the awkward chit-chat, it takes away all talking. How do you get to know someone if you take them to the movies? If you choose the movie, odds are she will hate it (if you are honest with yourself and see the movie you want to see). If you let her choose you will look ridiculous walking into 27 Dresses. However, if you cook the awkward meal at home and watch a DVD, there is a chance that you can each watch a DVD of your choice (if that is how important movie time is) and you are already at your house so you don’t need to ask if she would like to come back with you – you can just make sneaky little moves while you watch MOVIES AFTER DARK.

Karaoke might be a good date. I wouldn’t know since I’m not down with embarrassing myself in public. Surely it would get originality points, if you have been on a karaoke date PLEASE comment and tell me how it went. I will be surprised if I get a comment. I might go into cardiac arrest if the date was a success.

Bowling is a terrible idea. You have to spend 20 minutes finding the ball you want unless you have your own. If you have your own where do you keep it in your home? What a waste of space. And when you don’t what it anymore what do you do with it? You can’t put it in the trash. Bowling balls aren’t biodegradable. If it has your name on it you can’t give it away, unless someone shares your name AND your passion for a ridiculous sport and date idea. No one shares my name… Anyway, once you have your ball sorted you have to put on shoes that a million people have worn. I will avoid a tangent on this. But it’s gross and should be illegal. Once you have your sweaty shoes and ball which your fingers don’t quite fit in, competition begins. Is there anyone out there willing to let a girl beat them at anything? And if you truly do lose are you going to be in a good mood for the rest of the night? Never compete on date night. Date night shouldn’t even be a night, but never compete on date night. As a matter of fact, save competition for when your relationship is concrete and you know no one is going anywhere. Competition can tear relationships apart. Bowling. What a nonsensical suggestion, I apologize for even writing about such a preposterous proposal.

Clubbing. Are you kidding me? If this is your date night you are single. Invite your boys and pretend you just ran into them. Don’t get mad when your girl goes home with someone else. If you bring your girl to the club, she’s fair game. If you are in a relationship you have more of a chance keeping your girl when she goes to the club with her girlfriends. Girls LOVE to cockblock, and “She has a boyfriend,” is a layup in the cockblocking game. Make sure you are friends with her friends in this situation.

This is why I hate date night. There are limited things to do and I want to chill out with my friends. Date day on the other hand would make much more sense. Sunday? Farmers market? Putt-putt? A nice walk outdoors? A drive and a simple picnic? A bike ride? So many activities. That’s a social convention I could get into if I was dating. Date night, huge pet peeve.

The Catcher/Faller Conundrum

The situation I am about to describe blew my mind when I thought about it. Have you ever tried to figure out a riddle and got so worked up about it that your mind just loops? When I was coming up with this blog I confused myself, so I hope I can figure out a way to explain this without giving you a concussion.

                There are people out there who are very in touch with their emotions. “Yoo, I think I’m falling for her bro,” or “I caught feelings,” are some common ways of describing how we feel about our new romances. Thinking about this made me realize; fallers and catchers are the same thing. Subsequently, who is supposed to catch you when you fall, when catchers are falling also? I know, I know, deep shit.

                Now the reason I wanted to write about this was to try and answer the question of why we let our feelings spiral out of control like this, especially when we are at our sexual prime (well us men anyway). Is it a lack of companionship? Are we just tired of jumping from person to person? Or has society conditioned us into thinking that it is just what we are supposed to do?

                In one of my earlier blogs, THE HOLLYWOOD EFFECT, I describe why women romanticize almost excessively, but I have been ignorant to males becoming increasingly romantic. Just recently I have been talking to my friends about their romantic lives and it surprised me how many of them have turned a page and have so much more respect for women and can see their girls in the future etc. When I asked them what had changed, I was almost disappointed in their answers. I suspect that they may have been twisting their stories to save face and not sound soft as baby food.

                “I don’t want to just be in my room by myself all the time.” I translated that into, “I enjoy her company and when she is not around I forget what to do with myself.”

                “I’ve been hanging out with the guys’ non-stop for 15+ years.” I translated that into, “The conversations we have are meaningful and I enjoy taking the time to find out who she really is.”

                “I don’t smoke as much weed when I’m with her.” I translated that into, “I enjoy being with her so much that I don’t need drugs to improve the environment.”

                “She’s so hot bro.” I translated that into, “I’m whipped man, but I can’t tell you that because you will make fun of me so I’ll just act like I’m only in it for sex when really I think I’m in love with her soul.”

                I never came up with a conclusive answer as to why there is an increasing percentage of men getting involved in fairytale romance, but I am sure there is an increase. Will I research this? No. However I am always observing and I’m sure I will observe an answer soon enough. Until then, remember life is short, but not so short that you need to end it now.

Pet Peeve #2 – Happy Birthday Wall Post

When it is someone’s birthday, if you did not know it was their birthday or you are not friends with them, do not write happy birthday on their wall like you miss them. If you see someone and tell them happy birthday, do not write on their wall afterwards. If you said happy birthday in the morning, you do not need to say happy birthday every time you see them for the rest of the day. Do less.

If you are really someone’s friend you have their number, so call them, text them, or here’s something crazy: see them! And please, don’t call, text, facebook, tweet, and email them. One is fine, as long as it is not via social network. That’s cheating. Social networks tell you people’s birthdays. That is why there are so many fake people out there that are able to talk shit about you, but still act like they were thinking about you on your birthday. I would rather get one text from one real friend than 2000 “happy bday clay” wall posts. You couldn’t even capitalize my name on my birthday? The anniversary of when I was brought in to existence? You couldn’t capitalize? But you still took the time to write almost nothing on my wall didn’t you? So I can’t be mad. Yes. I. Fucking. Can.

There are exceptions. People who are overseas may write a happy birthday wall post. It can get costly to call and text from overseas, I can understand that. But you better capitalize, believe that. And try to do more than “happy bday x” or “happy bday clay have a good one.” Punctuate. Tell a joke. Capitalize my fucking name. Remember birthday cards? Send one. Send a corny birthday card.. But that’s a totally separate pet peeve.

Why We Play the Game

They say “nothing worth having comes easy.” I say there is an exception to every rule. Playing games for days, weeks, even months to try and get with someone is ridiculous. There are so many unwritten rules about trying to get with someone:


·         Always wait at least as long as you had to wait for a text before you send a text.
·         Never text first.
·         Stay away from “xx”
·         Wait for at least 3 rings before you answer her calls so it looks like your busy.
·         Only one question mark per message.
·         Your message should be shorter than their message.
·         Never send two in a row.
·         Do not try to arrange a date on the first text.

Whoever made these rules was obviously ballin’… Not. I mean, there is a certain text etiquette we should probably follow – you already know how I feel about the DOUBLE BACK! But if you have the time to follow all these rules, and you have to sit and watch your phone ring to pretend you’re busy – you are a LAME.

As for the “nothing worth having comes easy” saying, would it not be a colossal disappointment to put in work playing all these preposterous games, get the girl, and find out she is actually a GIANT douche!? This is why this game routine has to change. If I straight up told someone I like them, I would be considered weird. What’s weird is that we have this compulsion to play juvenile games without getting to know each other until later. If we could just be honest and tell people, “I want to hook up with you,” or, “I like you,” wouldn’t everything be so much simpler? At least we would know where we stand and with who. I know this won’t change, so go ahead and disappoint each other with your juvenile games. I will remain the quiet observer.

Pet Peeve #1 – The Stop and Chat

First and foremost I would like to make it clear that I have no problem with a stop and chat with my friends. However, if we are not that close and I don’t really know you, we met once while we were out – you are on, “Hey!” and keep walking status. Unless we have been properly introduced and had a conversation a stop and chat is not on the cards. For a stop and chat I need some background information to keep the conversation rolling.

Stop and chats can be awkward and horrible. Awkward pauses will be the death of me. When I try to walk by someone and give them a polite hello, the awkwardness begins when they want to keep a conversation going by yelling after me. And if I don’t stop I’m the asshole? We have to stop and chat now like there’s all this information that needs to be shared.

The artificial small talk in the stop and chat is inexcusable. If you are going to stop me I need a good reason, give me something substantial. Mondays. Mondays I might stop and chat with you. There might be some news from the weekend, some gossip, maybe a funny story. I need to be enticed by the conversation in a stop and chat; otherwise I may never stop again. The little chit-chat, I don’t like it, I like to have real conversations with people.

I have a terrible habit. It almost welcomes the stop and chat. When people say, “Hey!” when we are passing, I much too often respond with “Hey! How are ya?” What do I expect from this? They can either; be rude and ignore my question and we can go our separate ways, or they can stop me and tell me how they are and immediately we are engaged in a stop and chat flooded with the futile exchange of the smallest of talk. Evidently I need a new go-to response to “Hey!” Who would’ve thunk it?

The Double Transgression Theory

When a dog pees inside it knows it’s in trouble, so on its way to the doghouse it will jump up on the kitchen table and get some food on the way out. It is already in trouble and knows it will not get in any more trouble, so why not do a string of bad things and just get punished once?

                How does this theory work in intimate relationships? Well, let’s say your significant other went through your phone and found out you’ve been seeing someone else. Your probably knee deep in the shit after that right? So this theory says that if you proceeded to have relations with girl #2, you would only get punished once for both misdeeds.

                If this is the case, what is to stop us from acting up and wandering off on our partners? Every day we see people forgive their partners for deception and other traitorous acts. The double transgression theory gives people incentive to hurt people twice because they know they will only get punished once. Sure, you will be on the leash for a while, but the trust will eventually be completely regained, only to be lost again – twice.

                I walk around the dining hall on Tuesdays and see no trays. It’s “trayless Tuesday”. They give us no trays in an effort to save water. Here is an obscure analogy for you. If women (college chicks) could take a leaf out of trayless Tuesday’s book and attempt not to give the coochi up so easy for one day a week – they would save themselves. All us males see from day to day is a thirst like no other. The respect for women drops and we think we can treat them however we want, with no consequences – twice. If you respect yourselves, we are more inclined to respect you back. I see females let guys hurt them way too often, but they let it happen. With some more self respect and confidence, you can help us help you. No matter who you are, where you come from, or what you look like; you should never be anyone’s door mat.

                Do not let people get off the hook due to double transgression theory. Players fuck up, but don’t let it become a habit.

Hindsight 20-20

Have you ever looked back on your actions and thought you could have handled a situation a little better than you did? Over the Summer I found myself thinking about my behavior and thinking in retrospect I either shouldn’t have even acted on what I was feeling, or could have acted differently. This was happening way too often and consequently I am now teaching myself to delay gratification and think a little harder and longer before I make decisions.

                Since making a conscious effort to improve my decision making and reduce the chance of future regrets, I have been taking more notice of people embarrassing themselves. Alcohol is not the only reason people act impulsively, I have been witnessing some silly shit in sober situations. How about I share some of this ridiculousness with you?

                I was in the gym working out on a Sunday morning. This is not the time or place to pour your heart out to your best friend about your romantic life. I was lifting on the bench next to them and the kid spotting was talking about how much he loves his girl and that he was thinking of telling her. He then proceeded to tell the guy that the way he felt was “indescribable” and he could see her being his wife. He didn’t even lower his voice while he was saying all of this, there is no way I was the only witness. And hey, good for him, but this is a gym session, not a therapy session.

                Huge, elaborate, bold acts of romance need to start being planned better. If you want to make a scene to get your old girl back, or you want to propose in public; MAKE SURE YOU ARE 100% SURE YOUR GESTURE WILL WORK. It is uncomfortable to watch people getting rejected in public. I don’t like to feel embarrassed for other people.

                Remember that looking back on something, you will always have knowledge that you didn’t have at the time of your actions. To help yourself out, try to get some extra information – or at least make sure that you know you want to do what you are about to do before you act. Everything is so much clearer in hindsight, just keep in mind that there are no rough drafts in real life and actions speak louder than words.

Next Level Narcissism

Just who does our generation think they are? Recently I have experienced behaviors amongst my peers, which have made me question my own personal conduct. Incidentally, my first week of school in my personality psychology class – I learnt that people born in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s have an inordinate fascination with themselves. This is not a coincidence, we have been raised in a world where the losing team also gets a trophy, we get academic certificates for ‘participation,’ and we never saw the letter ‘F’ on our report cards. Self-esteem is important and healthy in the correct amount, but having witnessed narcissistic behavior more and more over the past few years; it has been good to learn of a possible reason for this excessive self love.

                “What behavioral observations have you made to make you accept the above as true?” you might ask. Well, primarily there is an undying obsession with money and the need to be rich. The old saying, “Money doesn’t buy happiness,” is not just a corny anecdote. You can disagree all you want, but my one proof that wealth and happiness are not a package – Hollywood. One of my favorite actors, Will Smith, is currently going through a split with his wife Jada Pinkett. They have no shortage of currency and as happy as they may look in interviews and on the red carpet, behind closed doors was obviously a different story. So, watching people steal, cut off friends and family to become workaholics, and gamble for the chance to make a little bit of extra coin makes me stop to think – where is the line between the desire to be successful and the hunger for money?

                I have become aware that for the people in my generation, individual needs come before everything. This can be a good thing, but it seems to me that our needs are becoming more material than anything, even survival. People will literally stop eating to become thinner, without thinking about how they have been born into such a privileged society and that food should not be taken for advantage. Image has become such a large part of our lives that it can corrupt us, and I don’t just mean our physical image. People are so fixated on the “it’s who you know” phenomenon, that they don’t use who they know for anything useful. They get to skip lines in clubs and get free drinks. They get to post their photos on facebook with their almost-famous friends. And they get to tell stories about the celebrities they met, although there is no proof. Congratulations big-shot, I don’t know how you find so much time to go out every night except Monday, you know, with your big-time job and all. Oh. No?

                Before you get started on occupational status – I’ll get started. Being a student, future careers come up more often than not in conversation. Now, I don’t know exactly what I want to do when my basketball career officially ends, but I have some ideas. However, when I ask people what they want to do, it disappoints me to hear, “Anything, as long as I’m wearing a suit in business class.” Good plan. Your dream job is to dress to match your narcissistic view that you are above anyone around you. I’ve got news for you – you can play dress-up right now without getting paid for it.

                Being a young man engaging in conversations about romantic relationships at least once per day, I have come to realize that we hurt people who love us, and love people who hurt us. The other popular saying that matches this realization is, “treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen.” It’s a cold world out there and with the way my generation acts collectively, it won’t be getting any warmer any time soon.