Pet Peeve #4 – Corny Birthday Cards

Why can people not just treat you like a human being on your birthday? The wall-post etc. is one thing. But the corny cards tick me off just as much. I do give credit to the corny birthday card because you have to actually know that it is the person’s birthday, however, not everything has to be funny.

                I’m turning 22 next year and I guarantee I will get a card that says “Happy 50^th 22^nd Birthday.” Why? That’s not even funny. I don’t know if I can even give a sympathy laugh through my nostrils for a joke that dry. Please stop the fuckery.

                Then there are the Hallmark cards that are designed to be corny. That is really someone’s job. Someone is getting paid to be corny. A cornographer. Cornelius. If you are going to dedicate your life to being corny, I may have to dedicate my life to taking your job away. People who buy me $5 corny birthday/Christmas cards are wasting their money. I will open it to check if there is a crispy bill inside and then throw it in the trash. I will only keep your card if it means something. Inspire me. Tell me how you really feel. Even if it just says, “Happy birthday clay, take care of yourself,” I will appreciate that more than, “Good luck getting any birthday sex this year, you’re older and uglier.” Oh. Oh that’s clever. That’s sooooo clever. Good job. Congratulations. Where is the nearest comedy club? I need to watch your act, you are a comic genius.

                My parent’s give the best birthday cards. Usually a heartfelt Hallmark poem followed by some parental words of wisdom and inspiration. If not, it will just be a blank card with a picture on the front. The inside filled with personal literature that makes me feel warm and loved.

                Friends are the experts on corneration. Birthday cards often telling me I’m ugly, old, bad at sex and/or impotent, or stupid. Classic banter. Annoying birthday cards. Again, I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into being a corn-meister, but I would like something a little more sensitive or intellectual in my older years. I’m not 10 anymore.

                If you are giving me a sick present though, go ahead and give me a corny card – I probably won’t even read it because I’ll be frothing so hard over the present. So enough with the dim-witted, trite, and frankly juvenile cards. If you are going to make fun of me, make it sharp and intellectual.