A Few Things About Break-Ups

Breaking up is the termination of a relationship. It can be smooth or it can be a disaster. It can be public or private. It can be loud or quiet. It can be expected or unexpected, but one thing is for sure, we can learn from each and every break-up we experience, whether it’s firsthand experience or second. Here are a few things I have learned and would like to learn about.

                The first breakup never sticks. All relationships have their ups and downs and once we fall out of the “honeymoon period” and have the first extended period of negativity, we tend to exaggerate the extent to which the negativity has reached. This may inspire a breakup. We have all witnessed the first breakup. It is always called the first breakup because it is never the last breakup. The first breakup is almost like an empty threat. Or exactly like an empty threat. It means absolutely nothing. Everyone knows you are getting back together. Sometimes it is so short-lived that no one even knows there was a first break-up because the “final” fight didn’t even make it out the door and the making up had already began. Friends never say the way they truly feel after the first breakup because there is always a relational resurrection. Once we are sure the breakup is final, “She’s a bitch anyway!” comes out. We don’t say this after the first breakup because when you fall back in love with her you will snitch to her and start drama and resent us for it like a little schoolboy bitch - so we bite our tongues. The first breakup never sticks.

                Is it ever okay not to break up face to face? I mean, if you’ve only been on a few dates and you just can’t seem to find a connection, can you just make a phone call? Is there a certain number of dates which marks the face to face breakup threshold? I think the number should be five, maybe even six. Does sex play a part in the face to face break up? If she puts out on the first night I think the sex can be ignored, but if you had to work for it she probably really ended up liking you and deserves the face to face break up. What is so respectful about the face to face breakup anyway? Why would anyone want someone watching their heart break? It’s not a spectator sport; it’s not in the Olympics. There is no joy for either party in the face to face break up, so what makes it so important? I think I would like to be broken up with over text. That way she can’t see my disappointment, sadness, or anger. She can’t hear my voice tremble over the phone. And when I go blind with rage there is no threat of violence. The text break up sounds like the best idea to me. Proposals. Proposals should be face to face.

                Is the preemptive breakup a good idea? If you fear that your girl is going to break up with you, do you try and break up with her first? I think that you can only win in this situation (assuming that you know for a fact that she is going to break up with you). If you break up with her first you avoid needing to explain yourself to family and friends. Also, maybe if by chance this girl is a MESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS, maybe the threat of a breakup will knock her down a few pegs and she will end up doing whatever she can for your approval. ACHTUNG – The old flipperoo is an EXTREME best case scenario.

                How do you break up with a friend? If you have just had enough of a friend and you are on the verge of killing them, what do you do? Is it the same as a break up? Do you hit them with the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or do you simply tell them you think you should have a break? Do friends deserve a face to face break up? What if they cry? Do we go back on our word and say we still want to be friends? Nope! It doesn’t matter because the best way to break up is over text, remember? And the only way you can see them cry is if they send you a :’( which doesn’t make you feel half as bad!