Halloween Special

Happy Halloween people! And what a Halloween it was! I wish I could post photos of some of the costumes I saw, but I really don’t feel like going around getting everyone’s permission. Feel free to post some of your best costumes in the comment box. Anyway, on to the business end of Halloween. I have no idea how long Halloween has just been an excuse to dress like a tramp, but every year you hoes never cease to amaze me. As much as I know you will all be half naked, some of these costumes stun me. They truly stun me. I could be in the middle of a conversation and will be left both speechless and motionless, hoping that the parents of these young women never see them wearing these scandalous outfits.

                Now, my understanding was that Halloween was supposed to be a night where you dress up in a scary outfit. The only thing that scares me about the whorish costumes that I see on Halloween is that one day that might be my daughter – over my dead body might I add. I recognize the evolution of Halloween from scary to almost anything that is not you; however I cannot seem to fathom the acceptability of dressing like a nightwalker. This is a confusing concept, especially to men on college campuses.

                How can you dress like a slut and not expect to get treated like one? Men filled with testosterone are walking around campus absolutely inebriated looking for a shorty to take back to their room for a little trick or treat. Drunk guys are a little too forward at the best of times, so when you have your ass and titties advertised like a damn billboard, it’s a little surprising to us when you get mad when we give a forward offer/invitation for intercourse. I felt like I was in a strip club for the majority of the weekend, was I supposed to make it rain?

                You dress like an easy target, but you are harder to hit than a stealth aircraft. What is this game you are playing? What’s wrong with dressing like your favorite movie persona? Or the standard scary character? Or something with a little creativity!? I know you don’t all dress like whores, as I said, I saw some great costumes this weekend. I’m just saying, I think the ones that decide to dress like hoes, are hoes and they are pretending not to be hoes. So to all the thirsty guys that strike out early, stay out late and try not to pass out, because these hoes will be desperate by the end of the night. Believe that. I’m glad I’m just a silent observer, otherwise I could have had a very frustrating weekend.

Love is Seasonal

                There is an awful lot of thirst floating around on college campuses. A common misconception is that athletes can snatch up these desperate broads at the drop of a dime. The truth is that certain athletes can do this, but they must get their timing right.

                Timing in this sense is not defined by what time you start talking to these girls. It’s not that simple, but at the same time it is so simple. There is a long wait for the right time, but when the time comes, the window for seduction is open for a long, long time.

                At times it gets to a point where we think girls think they are better than a lot of people, and they do, but your time will come. They think they are better than you when you are out of season, but as soon as you get into season they are all about it. We want our names to be attributed with success in our athletics. Jersey chasers want their names to be attributed with popularity, and what better way to do that than try to bag an athlete who is currently in season?

                I know a whole bunch of college girls are going to dispute this, but you probably don’t even realize that you do it. We ain’t mad at ya, got nothin’ but love for ya, do your thing shorrrrty. But if we know you’re only in it for the season, we’re only going to treat you with about as much respect as a girl from Girls Gone Wild.

                There is the popularity concept, but that is giving these ladies a little less credit than they deserve. They also like athletes because they are in shape, they are particular sport groupies, or they have dollar signs in their eyes. To the girls out there that are telling themselves and everyone around them that they like guys for who they are; sense of humor, easy to talk to, sweet, all that crap. Stop lyin’!

Pet Peeve #4 – Corny Birthday Cards

Why can people not just treat you like a human being on your birthday? The wall-post etc. is one thing. But the corny cards tick me off just as much. I do give credit to the corny birthday card because you have to actually know that it is the person’s birthday, however, not everything has to be funny.

                I’m turning 22 next year and I guarantee I will get a card that says “Happy 50^th 22^nd Birthday.” Why? That’s not even funny. I don’t know if I can even give a sympathy laugh through my nostrils for a joke that dry. Please stop the fuckery.

                Then there are the Hallmark cards that are designed to be corny. That is really someone’s job. Someone is getting paid to be corny. A cornographer. Cornelius. If you are going to dedicate your life to being corny, I may have to dedicate my life to taking your job away. People who buy me $5 corny birthday/Christmas cards are wasting their money. I will open it to check if there is a crispy bill inside and then throw it in the trash. I will only keep your card if it means something. Inspire me. Tell me how you really feel. Even if it just says, “Happy birthday clay, take care of yourself,” I will appreciate that more than, “Good luck getting any birthday sex this year, you’re older and uglier.” Oh. Oh that’s clever. That’s sooooo clever. Good job. Congratulations. Where is the nearest comedy club? I need to watch your act, you are a comic genius.

                My parent’s give the best birthday cards. Usually a heartfelt Hallmark poem followed by some parental words of wisdom and inspiration. If not, it will just be a blank card with a picture on the front. The inside filled with personal literature that makes me feel warm and loved.

                Friends are the experts on corneration. Birthday cards often telling me I’m ugly, old, bad at sex and/or impotent, or stupid. Classic banter. Annoying birthday cards. Again, I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into being a corn-meister, but I would like something a little more sensitive or intellectual in my older years. I’m not 10 anymore.

                If you are giving me a sick present though, go ahead and give me a corny card – I probably won’t even read it because I’ll be frothing so hard over the present. So enough with the dim-witted, trite, and frankly juvenile cards. If you are going to make fun of me, make it sharp and intellectual.

Sad Bitches

Lately I have been seeing all types of emotional shit getting posted on Twitter and Facebook. Usually I would say shut up and deal with your problems in a mature way instead of bitching to the world. Instead I thought I would try to respond constructively to this obvious cry for help, I just hope that the right people are reading this today.

                Ask some guys what their ultimate turn on is. If they aren’t a superficial douche bag their answer won’t be, “Ass and titties.” I know that I like a woman with confidence. However, do NOT get that twisted. A confident girl is not the same as a cocky/arrogant bitch. When I say we like confident girls, we like girls who can look in the mirror and like what they see. Girls who don’t need constant reinforcement to feel beautiful. Girls who don’t just throw their heart at us and expect us to take care of it. We want to earn your heart – this does not mean we want to play games; we just don’t want to rush into things.

                If you want to meet the love of your life – look in the mirror, it starts there. If you can’t love and respect yourself, how do you expect a guy to? It is obvious to us if you respect yourself or not. Most of the girls who don’t respect themselves are hoes. Sometimes hoes aren't even trying to be hoes (see DO HOESKNOW THEY’RE HOES?), but they have no respect for themselves and they just throw themselves at everyone in an attempt to find someone who will care for them. Some get lucky and find a guy with equally as little moral standards and respect for themselves, but the rest just get tooted and booted because we all know; you can’t make a ho a housewife.

                Bottom line is that if you love and respect yourself, we will notice and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It is all about perception, if we perceive you as a hoe – we will treat you like one. And take a look at yourself; don’t call us superficial if you are just as superficial as we are. If you are choosing your men based on materialism or attractiveness, you reap what you sow. I hope this helps some of the sad bitches out there. One.

Pet Peeve #3 – Date Night

Why does Friday night have to be date night? What is this pathetic unwritten rule? Is Friday a part of it? If I give up my Friday night for you it makes everything more special? I like to spend time with my boys on Friday nights, drinking, acting a fool, enjoying my weekend. Instead Friday night has to be date night. This means I can’t relax on a Friday, I have to spend my money and feel uncomfortable and pressured making sure I impress this girl. Ugh, what a terrible social convention.

                Friday night date night is not only an inconvenience, but there is nothing to do at night, here are the options: dinner, movie, karaoke, bowling, or clubbing. Are you kidding me?

                Dinner is super cliché, but it is still expected, whether you take her out or cook it you are under pressure. Hopefully she is not a vegetarian or allergic to anything, that will really put a spanner in the works. If the meal is shit, she is going to question your cooking skills or restaurant judgment. How can you win in this situation? Obviously you have to ask her what her favorite food is and what her favorite restaurant is, but then the odds are that she has sat in that same restaurant with another guy before you. If that’s not uncomfortable, I don’t know what is.

                Movies are the worst date choice of all time. While it does take away the awkward chit-chat, it takes away all talking. How do you get to know someone if you take them to the movies? If you choose the movie, odds are she will hate it (if you are honest with yourself and see the movie you want to see). If you let her choose you will look ridiculous walking into 27 Dresses. However, if you cook the awkward meal at home and watch a DVD, there is a chance that you can each watch a DVD of your choice (if that is how important movie time is) and you are already at your house so you don’t need to ask if she would like to come back with you – you can just make sneaky little moves while you watch MOVIES AFTER DARK.

Karaoke might be a good date. I wouldn’t know since I’m not down with embarrassing myself in public. Surely it would get originality points, if you have been on a karaoke date PLEASE comment and tell me how it went. I will be surprised if I get a comment. I might go into cardiac arrest if the date was a success.

Bowling is a terrible idea. You have to spend 20 minutes finding the ball you want unless you have your own. If you have your own where do you keep it in your home? What a waste of space. And when you don’t what it anymore what do you do with it? You can’t put it in the trash. Bowling balls aren’t biodegradable. If it has your name on it you can’t give it away, unless someone shares your name AND your passion for a ridiculous sport and date idea. No one shares my name… Anyway, once you have your ball sorted you have to put on shoes that a million people have worn. I will avoid a tangent on this. But it’s gross and should be illegal. Once you have your sweaty shoes and ball which your fingers don’t quite fit in, competition begins. Is there anyone out there willing to let a girl beat them at anything? And if you truly do lose are you going to be in a good mood for the rest of the night? Never compete on date night. Date night shouldn’t even be a night, but never compete on date night. As a matter of fact, save competition for when your relationship is concrete and you know no one is going anywhere. Competition can tear relationships apart. Bowling. What a nonsensical suggestion, I apologize for even writing about such a preposterous proposal.

Clubbing. Are you kidding me? If this is your date night you are single. Invite your boys and pretend you just ran into them. Don’t get mad when your girl goes home with someone else. If you bring your girl to the club, she’s fair game. If you are in a relationship you have more of a chance keeping your girl when she goes to the club with her girlfriends. Girls LOVE to cockblock, and “She has a boyfriend,” is a layup in the cockblocking game. Make sure you are friends with her friends in this situation.

This is why I hate date night. There are limited things to do and I want to chill out with my friends. Date day on the other hand would make much more sense. Sunday? Farmers market? Putt-putt? A nice walk outdoors? A drive and a simple picnic? A bike ride? So many activities. That’s a social convention I could get into if I was dating. Date night, huge pet peeve.

The Catcher/Faller Conundrum

The situation I am about to describe blew my mind when I thought about it. Have you ever tried to figure out a riddle and got so worked up about it that your mind just loops? When I was coming up with this blog I confused myself, so I hope I can figure out a way to explain this without giving you a concussion.

                There are people out there who are very in touch with their emotions. “Yoo, I think I’m falling for her bro,” or “I caught feelings,” are some common ways of describing how we feel about our new romances. Thinking about this made me realize; fallers and catchers are the same thing. Subsequently, who is supposed to catch you when you fall, when catchers are falling also? I know, I know, deep shit.

                Now the reason I wanted to write about this was to try and answer the question of why we let our feelings spiral out of control like this, especially when we are at our sexual prime (well us men anyway). Is it a lack of companionship? Are we just tired of jumping from person to person? Or has society conditioned us into thinking that it is just what we are supposed to do?

                In one of my earlier blogs, THE HOLLYWOOD EFFECT, I describe why women romanticize almost excessively, but I have been ignorant to males becoming increasingly romantic. Just recently I have been talking to my friends about their romantic lives and it surprised me how many of them have turned a page and have so much more respect for women and can see their girls in the future etc. When I asked them what had changed, I was almost disappointed in their answers. I suspect that they may have been twisting their stories to save face and not sound soft as baby food.

                “I don’t want to just be in my room by myself all the time.” I translated that into, “I enjoy her company and when she is not around I forget what to do with myself.”

                “I’ve been hanging out with the guys’ non-stop for 15+ years.” I translated that into, “The conversations we have are meaningful and I enjoy taking the time to find out who she really is.”

                “I don’t smoke as much weed when I’m with her.” I translated that into, “I enjoy being with her so much that I don’t need drugs to improve the environment.”

                “She’s so hot bro.” I translated that into, “I’m whipped man, but I can’t tell you that because you will make fun of me so I’ll just act like I’m only in it for sex when really I think I’m in love with her soul.”

                I never came up with a conclusive answer as to why there is an increasing percentage of men getting involved in fairytale romance, but I am sure there is an increase. Will I research this? No. However I am always observing and I’m sure I will observe an answer soon enough. Until then, remember life is short, but not so short that you need to end it now.

Pet Peeve #2 – Happy Birthday Wall Post

When it is someone’s birthday, if you did not know it was their birthday or you are not friends with them, do not write happy birthday on their wall like you miss them. If you see someone and tell them happy birthday, do not write on their wall afterwards. If you said happy birthday in the morning, you do not need to say happy birthday every time you see them for the rest of the day. Do less.

If you are really someone’s friend you have their number, so call them, text them, or here’s something crazy: see them! And please, don’t call, text, facebook, tweet, and email them. One is fine, as long as it is not via social network. That’s cheating. Social networks tell you people’s birthdays. That is why there are so many fake people out there that are able to talk shit about you, but still act like they were thinking about you on your birthday. I would rather get one text from one real friend than 2000 “happy bday clay” wall posts. You couldn’t even capitalize my name on my birthday? The anniversary of when I was brought in to existence? You couldn’t capitalize? But you still took the time to write almost nothing on my wall didn’t you? So I can’t be mad. Yes. I. Fucking. Can.

There are exceptions. People who are overseas may write a happy birthday wall post. It can get costly to call and text from overseas, I can understand that. But you better capitalize, believe that. And try to do more than “happy bday x” or “happy bday clay have a good one.” Punctuate. Tell a joke. Capitalize my fucking name. Remember birthday cards? Send one. Send a corny birthday card.. But that’s a totally separate pet peeve.

Why We Play the Game

They say “nothing worth having comes easy.” I say there is an exception to every rule. Playing games for days, weeks, even months to try and get with someone is ridiculous. There are so many unwritten rules about trying to get with someone:


·         Always wait at least as long as you had to wait for a text before you send a text.
·         Never text first.
·         Stay away from “xx”
·         Wait for at least 3 rings before you answer her calls so it looks like your busy.
·         Only one question mark per message.
·         Your message should be shorter than their message.
·         Never send two in a row.
·         Do not try to arrange a date on the first text.

Whoever made these rules was obviously ballin’… Not. I mean, there is a certain text etiquette we should probably follow – you already know how I feel about the DOUBLE BACK! But if you have the time to follow all these rules, and you have to sit and watch your phone ring to pretend you’re busy – you are a LAME.

As for the “nothing worth having comes easy” saying, would it not be a colossal disappointment to put in work playing all these preposterous games, get the girl, and find out she is actually a GIANT douche!? This is why this game routine has to change. If I straight up told someone I like them, I would be considered weird. What’s weird is that we have this compulsion to play juvenile games without getting to know each other until later. If we could just be honest and tell people, “I want to hook up with you,” or, “I like you,” wouldn’t everything be so much simpler? At least we would know where we stand and with who. I know this won’t change, so go ahead and disappoint each other with your juvenile games. I will remain the quiet observer.

Pet Peeve #1 – The Stop and Chat

First and foremost I would like to make it clear that I have no problem with a stop and chat with my friends. However, if we are not that close and I don’t really know you, we met once while we were out – you are on, “Hey!” and keep walking status. Unless we have been properly introduced and had a conversation a stop and chat is not on the cards. For a stop and chat I need some background information to keep the conversation rolling.

Stop and chats can be awkward and horrible. Awkward pauses will be the death of me. When I try to walk by someone and give them a polite hello, the awkwardness begins when they want to keep a conversation going by yelling after me. And if I don’t stop I’m the asshole? We have to stop and chat now like there’s all this information that needs to be shared.

The artificial small talk in the stop and chat is inexcusable. If you are going to stop me I need a good reason, give me something substantial. Mondays. Mondays I might stop and chat with you. There might be some news from the weekend, some gossip, maybe a funny story. I need to be enticed by the conversation in a stop and chat; otherwise I may never stop again. The little chit-chat, I don’t like it, I like to have real conversations with people.

I have a terrible habit. It almost welcomes the stop and chat. When people say, “Hey!” when we are passing, I much too often respond with “Hey! How are ya?” What do I expect from this? They can either; be rude and ignore my question and we can go our separate ways, or they can stop me and tell me how they are and immediately we are engaged in a stop and chat flooded with the futile exchange of the smallest of talk. Evidently I need a new go-to response to “Hey!” Who would’ve thunk it?

The Double Transgression Theory

When a dog pees inside it knows it’s in trouble, so on its way to the doghouse it will jump up on the kitchen table and get some food on the way out. It is already in trouble and knows it will not get in any more trouble, so why not do a string of bad things and just get punished once?

                How does this theory work in intimate relationships? Well, let’s say your significant other went through your phone and found out you’ve been seeing someone else. Your probably knee deep in the shit after that right? So this theory says that if you proceeded to have relations with girl #2, you would only get punished once for both misdeeds.

                If this is the case, what is to stop us from acting up and wandering off on our partners? Every day we see people forgive their partners for deception and other traitorous acts. The double transgression theory gives people incentive to hurt people twice because they know they will only get punished once. Sure, you will be on the leash for a while, but the trust will eventually be completely regained, only to be lost again – twice.

                I walk around the dining hall on Tuesdays and see no trays. It’s “trayless Tuesday”. They give us no trays in an effort to save water. Here is an obscure analogy for you. If women (college chicks) could take a leaf out of trayless Tuesday’s book and attempt not to give the coochi up so easy for one day a week – they would save themselves. All us males see from day to day is a thirst like no other. The respect for women drops and we think we can treat them however we want, with no consequences – twice. If you respect yourselves, we are more inclined to respect you back. I see females let guys hurt them way too often, but they let it happen. With some more self respect and confidence, you can help us help you. No matter who you are, where you come from, or what you look like; you should never be anyone’s door mat.

                Do not let people get off the hook due to double transgression theory. Players fuck up, but don’t let it become a habit.