Friendship Level-Jumping

               Have you ever met someone out, or had an extra friendly waiter/salesperson, who seems to really take a liking to you? By the end of your encounter they’re already calling you ‘bestie’ or asking you for relationship advice after divulging entirely too much information. Are you giving these people the wrong idea, or is it habitual?

                From what I have observed, these people are repeat offenders, almost having a compulsive need to be liked by anyone and everyone they encounter. What a brutal way to live; going day to day trying to impress everyone you meet, wanting, needing them to like you as a person for no reason whatsoever. We all have friends like this (probably the ones that complained when you shifted them in your MySpace ‘Top 8’), and we have all had occasions when we have met strangers like this – but are they aware of how they live?

                Individuals who live with a constant need for external validation must be in a constant state of anxiety, just wondering, “Does this person like me?” “What can I do to make them like me?” “What can I buy them?” “I’m so mad/disappointed in myself, I don’t think they like me as much as I like them.” It has to be torturous. To be in a constant state of uncertainty not only about yourself, but about how others perceive you.

                Typically, when we start a new friendship we open up layer by layer slowly but surely until we get to our core – see The Onion Metaphor. But in this case, we see someone stripping right to the core without warning, overwhelming to the recipient of all the uninhibited and unasked for personal information. This can create a strange dynamic between the two involved in this relationship, regardless of the intentions. This strange dynamic can start a long and brutal cycle.

                So we have discussed that these individuals need validation. So once they freak you out a little bit with their info-dump upon first meeting, you may become slightly stand-offish. They can obviously sense this, leading to heightened anxiety and an increased need for validation – causing them to reach out harder and harder, consequently forcing you to become more and more distant. It’s not pretty.

                Of course, there are exceptions! Some people do the whole ‘bestie’ thing from day one and it sticks – but we get vibes from people, share their energy, their passion, their personality, and we just know we like them (romantically or platonically). We will talk about that another time..

Inspiration

              “I find it so hard to find inspiration.” I had no idea how to respond to that and for over a week now I have thought about how someone could say that. The person that said this to me lives in the first world. Here in this fairytale world we often think we have problems, we’re facing darkness, everything is hopeless, inspiration is rare. What a misjudgment! We are so spoiled that some of us have become desensitized to the beauty that surrounds us and should inspire us on a day to day basis! Look at the moon – people have walked on that!

                Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. I am lucky enough to possess all five of these senses, although just one would provide infinite inspiration.

                When we wake up in the morning, sometimes we are fortunate enough to remember our dreams. Whether they are good or bad, we become them. For a few hours we live in a world where quite literally anything can happen. We dream up stories, colors, sounds, manifestations of our unconscious. We take on our deepest fears, and have our most intimate desires fulfilled. All of this before we even open our eyes. After this miraculous fantasy, we take our first conscious breath of the day.

                Many of us go for that cup of coffee as a ‘pick-me-up’ first thing in the morning. We get a glorious kick from a beverage that literally makes us feel like we are ready to take on the day. This beverage comes with the taste and smell of a foreign land. Brazil, Vietnam, Colombia, Indonesia, Ethiopia, India. It could come from anywhere depending on what you’re drinking. What a marvelous thought!

                Outside we see the sky, depending on the time and the weather it could be any number of colors. Sunrise can make the clouds look like flames falling from the heavens. It can look like beams of light slowly illuminating the darkness we dreamed throughout. It can take the form of a floral pattern bouncing from one cloud to the next. A little later and the sky can be sapphire blue or charcoal gray. It can be infinitely clear, or clouds can fill the sky. Each cloud as divergent as they are parallel, we can interpret the shapes they form.

                If we close our eyes the clouds remain abstract. We hear the birds chirp, the dogs bark, the traffic busying the streets. We smell the fresh air, the cut grass, the dew covering the ground. We feel the sunshine on our skin, we feel the rain fall, we feel the ground we walk on. Each step a different platform, cracks in the concrete texturing our journey. Our environment has character, as do our peers – we can learn from it all. Everything we see is art. Rural or urban, our landscape is picturesque. Everyday a unique vision from a common position. Book covers, book pages, photos, ads, graffiti, architecture, piercings, tattoos, language – can you find no inspiration in our world of privilege? Those buildings, those books, those lights, that art – somebody had to dream about it first.

                Each person we meet, see, or hear about is unique. We can be inspired to simulate acts of kindness or avoid acts of evil. We witness as people bring various things into this world with diverse skillsets. Others can help us discover what we have to offer. We can help others discover what they have to offer, willing or unwillingly, knowing or unknowingly. Individually, as a society, we have the power to inspire and the option to be inspired. The only way to avoid inspiration is to refuse to acknowledge it.

                The English alphabet has only 26 letters. I just used them in a combination you had never seen before to bring you this post. One glance at this page and you are inside my mind. I’m speaking to you clearly, carefully, silently inside your head, directly to you. My vision, inspired by a comment I heard over a week ago. Inspiration is abundant.

Expectation Vs Reality

                I have previously posted about what I call ‘The HollywoodEffect’ where we develop false expectations based on what we see in movies and television. Since that post in early 2011, not much has changed. Although, from what I’ve seen - circumstance doesn’t matter anymore. Regardless of who we are seeing, how long we have been seeing them for, and most importantly – the foreseeable, inevitable end date, we still seem to be expecting an unrealistic level of commitment, future, or promise.

                Understandably, people have individual preferences when it comes to starting something up with someone new. Some people only see one person at a time; some see many until one gets serious – or sometimes longer. However, sometimes we fail to recognize that our preference is not necessarily the same as whoever we are seeing. Although you may be seeing them and only them because the thought of seeing anyone else at the same time makes you uncomfortable, they may be seeing other people. On the other hand, if you are both only seeing each other when it first gets going, that does not make you exclusive. And you are still not exclusive a few months down the line when you think you have a ‘mutual understanding’. As much as you may think that no conversation is necessary, and ‘making it official’ is ‘childish’, it needs to happen. It is illogical to expect someone to meet you where you are if you never discuss it.

                Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all love at first sight. You don’t walk into someone’s life and become engulfed in it. You need to crawl before you can walk. You don’t get invited to every social function on the other side. You’re not immediately part of the family. You start in the shallow end and swim very, very slowly to the deep end. Not only that, you test the temperature of the pool with your big toe. Rushing/forcing things can lead to added pressure and eventually disappointment.

                Recently I was witness to what may or may not be a unique situation. I have not yet heard of an act like this, nor have I ever experienced it, but please do not hesitate to share if you are familiar with what I am about to describe. Now from what I saw, this was not a new relationship, but it was headed nowhere. Both parties were aware of this – or so I thought. The fling evidently brought forth some feelings, time was invested, and gifts were bought. Not a problem – unless someone thinks they have wasted their time. You see, you can’t take time back; it’s an irreversible manifestation of the progression of existence. But what you can take back (if you’re petty), is the gifts you have given throughout the time you have spent together. But for what (other than to prove a point)? A gift is not a conditional investment. It is a kind gesture. Once you give a gift, the person who receives it does not owe you anything. That’s not how gifts work. But hey, if you want the stuff back, go ahead and ask for it, we’re all adults here. That is until you get your friend to send a text asking for your shit back. Unfathomable! Emotions may have been running high here, so I’m blaming the friend. A little too much girl power in the room was there? “Yeah! Text him! Get your shit back! Fuck it! I’ll text him for you!” No, no, no, that is not what a good friend says. A good friend informs you that maybe that isn’t such a good idea, maybe you should just leave it, at the very worst you should text him yourself. O, shitty friend, for shame!

                In my eyes, irreversible damage has been done here. A very poor attempt at a power move has been made. Obviously a fail. If nothing else it would be an embarrassment to show face after a performance like this. Making a big deal out of the end of what is essentially a nothing relationship when you stop and look at the facts is a waste of time and energy. Accept what it is for what it is. You’ll know when it’s something else. If it all feels cryptic, clear it up. It can only go two ways. Simplify what you’re doing before you accidentally ask for gift refunds. Have realistic expectations, take your time, find out where each other are at. 100.

ad VS. ity

Crack. A bus crashes into my ribcage.
Thud. A sledgehammer runs through my stomach.
Bang. A wrecking ball demolishes my eye socket.
I’ve been in pain before, but not like this. This is superhuman. Extraterrestrial.
I’ve lost fights. This isn’t a fight. This is getting hit by a freight train. Twice.
Is it pride or stupidity? I don’t know, but fuck it, I keep getting up.
Each time I stand is another brilliant mistake.
I can’t even see what’s hitting me anymore. I’m focused on my breath.
In… Out…
Each breath is a punch to the guts,
But the delicious taste of survival
The last ounces of strength I have barely get me off the ground.
As I wobble around wondering where the next hit will come from I smile.
My mouth full of that warm, iron syrup. I can’t help but smile.
I feel the frustration radiating towards me. How is he still standing?
I sense the confusion, the defeat. The next hit never comes.
How did I wind up here? Doesn’t matter.
I’m still standing.

Watching with my eyes closed.

I sit here and I watch
I watch intently and I soak up everything I can,
But unlike a sponge, the more I absorb, the drier I become.
The more I witness, the less I can confirm.
I watch you make choices,
Consciously, unconsciously.
I watch as you misprioritize your life
And you self-destruct for my eyes,
Before my eyes.
I watch as your reflection distracts you from your soul.
Lack of direction confuses me.
To you my perplexion is an ignorant energy.
To me, decisions don’t need to be made right now,
But choices can be recognized.
There is more to be offered than what can be placed in hand;
Manifestations of thought and sound – now that’s a gift.
Everything is mindful, even mindlessness.
Go figure. There is a level which we all share.
I can observe as much as I like, but I’ll never see it.
I shall feel though, oh how I’ll feel!

Pet Peeve #44 – Noisy Eaters

               Whyyyyyyy can I hear every single one of your mouth movements? Crunchy food makes sense, it’s entitled to a little bit of volume. But someone needs to explain to me how in the world I can know you’re eating yoghurt when you haven’t told me you are, and I’m not looking at you. What is that? Are you slurping with your mouth closed? And quit all that smacking in my ear! That’s how dogs eat. Your whole mouth doesn’t need to open and shut to consume every mouthful; I know you learnt better than that.

                There are a few foods that can get stuck in your teeth, a pain to get out without floss. But just because we all know about it, does not make it acceptable to start sucking steak out of your teeth while others are still eating. Good God, that makes my stomach turn! This is basic stuff people, we need to turn this around – it’s ruining the dining experience.

Can’t Put a Lid on it

           We all know a few ‘extra’ people. I don’t mean more people than we need to know, I mean people who do a little more than the average person. Am I talking about people who work three jobs and do volunteer work for numerous charities on the side? No. I’m talking about people who bring a little extra volume, drama, attention to themselves for extra effect.

            These people like to talk about their personal issues at a high volume in a small room. These people like to discuss their sexuality and openness at uncomfortable times, like in a waiting room at a doctor’s office. These people like to poke fun at others and then raise hell when fun is had at their expense. These people scream for no reason, bring high energy to low energy situations, and challenge the norms of acceptable behavior in most social situations.

            Not only do these people know that they do this, but they can’t even stop it if they try. It’s impossible for them to shut it down. They can’t put a lid on it. Putting a lid on it would involve just holding the extra in until you’re in a more private, more acceptable situation to talk about where your mouth was last night – maybe with a little less pride in your voice.

            There are certain things people want to hear, others we don’t – and strangers rarely give a fuck what you have to say about anything, especially you bowel movements. Yeah, it can be slightly entertaining at times, maybe a story for the people around you to tell when they get home, but more often than not you’re going to see this face surrounding you:

Pet Peeve #43 – Horizontal Scrolling

Why is this a thing? What is wrong with just scrolling up and down? Who decided to design websites where instead of the next line just dropping down it just keeps goingandgoingand goingandgoingand goingandgoingand goingandgoingand goingandgoingand goingandgoingand goingandgoingandgoing →that way!? It frustrates me further that now we have all these widescreen monitors and I still stumble across this inexplicable mess of multidirectional scrolling. It’s unorganized, unattractive, and impractical. Whoever has been given the job of designing these websites is ill-equipped and I’m suspecting there may be a little nepotism behind this abomination.

Same Plane

There are many traits that make us human. Our personalities are made up of a plethora of different factors, each running on their own spectrum. The ‘Big Five’ personality traits are; openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These are typically what we are measured on when we take personality tests. However, there is more to us than just the big five. If you look at all of us in terms of those traits on top of spirituality, sexuality, emotionality, mentality, physicality, intellect, curiosity, creativity, and ambition – we become quite a bit more complex. How rare is it to cross paths with someone whom we share similar points on the spectrum of all of these traits? And what happens when we do?

                Most of the people you associate yourself with will share many of these traits with you, but we are all individuals, so it is rare that you will share them all. We all develop our personality and character at different rates. A baseline is set early on in life, but we never cease learning, growing, and shaping who we are. Since this happens for everyone at different times/speeds, even if we meet someone we feel like we have everything in common with, that may not always be the case with that specific person. We have the ability to grow into and out of our relationships (romantic and platonic). But when you are lucky enough to meet someone on the same plane as you across all of your traits, that is a connection unparalleled.

                Our lives are filled with small talk, even when we see our best friends we have our conversational warm-up, “What’s goin’ on?” “How’s work/uni?” “How’s the girlfriend/boyfriend?” “What did you get up to on the weekend?” “What’s new?” There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not that these things don’t matter, but when you share more than just common interests you can have a real, deep, conversation with someone and truly get to know them. Debates turn into an understanding and respect of each other’s differences. Chats turn into meaningful, in-depth conversations. You don’t just learn someone’s favourite things, you connect and you have an honest conversation and you understand one another’s innermost qualities and profound characteristics. You share wisdom and become familiar with more than just the surface of this individual. These are the people you talk to for five hours and it feels like 10 minutes. These are the people you trust most to ask for advice. These are the people who energize you to be the best version of yourself.

Pet Peeve #42 – Fridge Foolishness

                Juice. Milk. Water. Any beverage.

                Chocolate bars. Leftovers. Margarine.

                Why leave one sip? One bite? Infinitesimal amounts of anything in the fridge? You couldn’t possibly handle another sip? You were that full and refused to waste that mashed potato? You didn’t want to throw out the container? As long as I search, as much as I try to understand, I simply cannot find the logic in this tomfoolery. Just scrape your plate off and put it in the dishwasher (or wash it in the sink). Just fill your cup up a little more (or take one more sip and then fill it up). Eat your goddamn chocolate bar which is designed for a single serve (or quit buying king sized). What is the point of filling the fridge, one of the best appliances, with miniscule servings of anything? You are destroying a thing of beauty. It is meant for storing meals, not for cooling crumbs. Sort it out.

The Check-In

We have created the “check-in” so that our partners don’t feel the need to “check-up”. In relationships there are boundaries. These boundaries must remain respectful and comfortable for both parties. Now we’ve all experienced or witnessed the badgering questions; “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “What are you doing?” “How late will you be?” “Why are you with them?” “When did you decide that?” And this type of interrogation can often lead to a bit of resentment, so we have created an alternate channel to keep respect and comfort in tact – “The check-in.”

                In this scenario, the person who is out and about makes the call or sends the text, “Hey sweetie, just finished dinner now headed out for drinks. Love you xx” This way the person who is at home doesn’t need to be ‘bad cop’ and slam their hands on the table throughout the interrogation. It appears as if the caller is volunteering this information freely with a little, “I’m still thinking about you!” attitude, making the partner at home comfortable and satisfied. Truthfully, there is still a little bit of, “I better send this text or else I’ll hear about it later.” in there.

                Each of these options is as bad as the other, since the person going out feels as if they will get punished if they do not comply. In the ideal world I would suggest a mutual respect within a relationship, where you understand that the rules change upon entering said relationship. You are no longer completely an individual; however you are also not completely enmeshed. Social plans with other couples will become a big thing, as will making plans together. However, that time away from each other to be with friends (maybe without the constant check-ins and with trust) is key.

Pet Peeve #41 – Slow Walkers

Trying to walk down the street, through the mall, down the aisle in the grocery store and having to stop and manoeuvre my way through this slow mess of traffic really winds me up. I’m not even just talking about the elderly who are unable to engage the thrusters. I’m talking about people my age who just wander about with their head in the clouds as if they’re lost. Surely there is some purpose for you to be here? There is something you want, yes? That’s why you’re in a store, correct? Surely there are better settings for an aimless walk? Because I know you’re not here for exercise, slow as you’re going you’re probably getting more unfit. And the ones on the sidewalk, I can kind of understand it. It’s a nice change of scenery, you’re out to soak it all in. But what about just shifting up a couple of gears and burning a few calories while you’re out? Two birds, people!

                This peeve escalates when the single slow walker becomes a group. And even more when this group travels in a straight line taking up the entire aisle or sidewalk. Is it intentional? Is this some kind of game you go out and play to frustrate others? Or are you like a school of fish, just unable to leave each other’s sides?

                This gets exponentially worse when it translates to your golf game. You can’t play bad, play slow, and walk slow! What is that about!? It’s Sunday! There’s obviously people behind you that want to get a sweet 18 in and you’ve ruined it by the third hole.

                There are some remote places where slow walking is accepted; around in circles in your ward at the funny farm, from the shore deeper and deeper into the ocean, off a cliff, or even through traffic.

                Happy walking!

Friends With Benefits

It sounds like a good idea when you’re horny, but just how practical is this type of relationship? It is hard, though not impossible, not to develop feelings for the person you are sleeping with – even if it is only for a bit of fun to start with. You presumably find them attractive and can tolerate being around them for a fairly substantial period of time – there could be worse baselines. However, let’s just think about this situation before we commit.

                The girl/boy next door. Oh, what a fantasy! Hottie moves in next door and you eye each other off constantly, get caught accidentally on purpose, change with the blinds open. Will they? Won’t they? What a wonderful time, cool, playful. Wow you’ve just realized how short the walk of shame is, it’s all coming up Milhouse! You can have a few too many drinks and walk home. What more could you ask for!? Well, you could ask why they haven’t been getting home until 3AM every morning this week (you know this because you’ve been staring at their empty parking space) – way to play it cool, casual, no strings attached.

                If your FWB is an actual friend first, prepare for eternal awkwardness. These situations are meant to be temporary, but how can that be so if you are in the same friendship group and always around each other? How can you maintain the casual nature of the relationship when you are surrounded by, “So what’s going on with you and [so and so]?” That makes you think and thinking is not what FWB relationships are for.

                It may make you feel dirty, but getting up and leaving once you’ve taken care of business will maintain some emotional separation. Sleeping over and cuddling and having breakfast – that’s all for real relationships, leave that to the pros. Now there was an important phrase there – emotional separation – this means there are boundaries. So if you see this person out on a date with someone else, you are not catching them. They are allowed to do things like this, because while they are in a FWB relationship, they are still single.

                Please, please, use contraception. As I said, you guys are both single in this situation. Nobody knows how many other partners there are, how dirty or clean they are, whether or not they are safe with the other ones. You don’t want a baby or a disease from the person you are meant to be staying emotionally detached from.

                If you manage to do all these things – congratulations, you’re probably still going to fall for them. Accept it for what it is and move on because naturally at least one of you is going to catch feelings. This could be good or bad depending on the situation, but if a real relationship isn’t what you’re after, lay ground rules out from day one and don’t hang on to it longer than what feels appropriate.

Pet Peeve #40 – Verbal Texting

Texting was designed to be a quick and easy form of communication. Over time it has evolved into a preferred form of communication. Instead of people texting a short, sharp, quick, and easy, “what u doin 2nite?” they use text to send epic messages about thoughts feelings and emotions that would more easily and efficiently be communicated through voice. Anyway, through this evolution of texting from ‘convenient’ to ‘preferred’ it has formed its own language.

                As you can see in my example text above, texting originated with minimal punctuation and grammatical rules so we could shoot of a message in a matter of seconds. To save time, we have developed an extensive lexicon of acronyms; lol, wtf, lmao, rofl, brb, g2g, just to name a few. But now that we would rather text each other than talk to each other, these acronyms have crept into our everyday language (without further research, I want to say that many of these have actually been published in some brands of dictionaries). I am having real conversations with real people in which I actually hear the phrases ‘lol,’ ‘brb,’ and ‘wtf,’ more than I care to publicly announce.

                “BRB, I need to pee.”

                “LOL.”

                “It was like, legit LOLs.”

                “WTF, that’s crazy.”

                Stop it.

First Time

In most cases, your first time having sex is a pretty nerve wracking experience. Guys and girls obviously have different things to think about, but I will just focus on what we all have in common. When you finally get to the point where you think you’re comfortable enough to go through with it, sometimes doubt can creep in; do I look OK? Am I doing this right? Is he/she comfortable? Is he/she enjoying this? Are they as awkward as I am? How long is this supposed to take? Am I too sweaty? Obviously not the best thoughts to be having. Ideally both parties would be relaxed and comfortable. But luckily it gets better.. Kind of..

                The more you have sex with this person, the more comfortable and confident you will both become. You will know each other better sexually and your chemistry will take care of most of it. However, the more partners you have sex with, the more first times you have to encounter. A new partner means new preferences, different chemistry and personality, varied levels of sweat gland activity. Can you be 100% yourself your first time in bed with someone? Some of you super-confident Casanovas will say yes – well congratulations, you are the exception to this rule.

                The first time with a new partner is like a first date. You aren’t likely to be 100% yourself. You will say and do things that you think they want to see and hear. You want this person to like you, so you say and do what you think they will like. No one is usually crazy, possessive, and abusive on a first date.. well, maybe crazy. But these are all things that potentially come out later to end a relationship. The first time in bed is no different. Let’s say you’re a girl who enjoys a bit of butt stuff, I highly doubt that during your first time with a new partner you whisper, ‘Put your pinky in my pooper.’ It takes time to get to the level of comfort where you and a sexual partner can talk about what you like, and find out a few things along the way.

Pet Peeve #39 – Telemarketers

Okay, I understand these people have to make money somehow, but FUCK! They call at the most inopportune moments (usually meal times) and they blatantly lie about how long they are going to take. “Just a quick two-minute survey,” easily takes 15-20 minutes. Not to mention they don’t even give us a chance to say no. As soon as we say, “Hello,” they are off to the races with, “Hi Mr. McGrath, my name is Angel and I want to talk to you today about your data plan. Are you happy with your current data plan? We now offer X, Y, Z, and can give you the most value for your dollar. If you sign up today we can give you your first month free and the following three months at half price and then the fifth month at three quarter price and then the rest of the year at double the price until the next year starts at regular billing. So I’ll just sign you up for offer X today Mr. Macintosh bye!”

                All of a sudden you only have one handset but you’re paying for four plans and sponsoring two African children who never seem to age while you’re on the waiting list to donate your most important organs.

                I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to call anyone on the ‘Don’t Call’ list, but they do it anyway. So I pick up my phone like, “Hello.. Hello?.. Hel-,”
“Hi Claire, do you currently give to any cha-,” *click*

                Unsubscribe.

Can I Have Your Number?

I never thought this would need explaining, but things are starting to get out of control. When someone summons the courage to approach you and ask for your number (which can be difficult), what is it that you think they want? Do you think this person saw you, judged you completely on face value and thought, “That’s going to be my new friend!”?

                That is not what happened. The person saw you and was physically attracted to you and either wants to get to know what you’re like on the inside (mind, soul, spirit), or on the inside...

                “Can I have your number?” is a confession. It is someone admitting to you that they think you’re cute and they are interested in going out on a date, or at least a little Netflix and chill. So when they text you or call you wanting to hang out, they aren’t looking for a new bestie. Pretty self explanatory stuff.

                **And before I get the backlash of, “Oh, so we’re just supposed to sleep with everyone who asks us for our number?” Nooooo, just know what they’re really asking for and don’t give them false hope!

You think this dude is looking for a new pal?

Pet Peeve #38 – Dap Confusion

It seems that wherever I go, there is a different variation of dap. For a long time, as long as I can remember dapping, I have been a grabber. I was bred into grabbing. I have grown accustomed to it. I have lived outside of Adelaide of about seven years now, and now I’m back for a few months and everything I have grown to know and love has changed. My world has been flipped upside down.

I come home to this thing where it’s like a medium five followed by a bump. And without knowing this, I come to my city trying to grip on the dap, only for the opposing hand to dart away as if to avoid infection. This results in an, “Uh, oh, whoop... hahahaha (oh gawd),” type of scenario.

Do I want a universal dap? No. Do I want my ‘friends’ to give me a little heads up when an entire city decides to change its greeting? That would be nice. Maybe even a few practice runs.