I have previously posted about what I call ‘The HollywoodEffect’ where we develop false expectations based on what we see in movies
and television. Since that post in early 2011, not much has changed. Although,
from what I’ve seen - circumstance doesn’t matter anymore. Regardless of who we
are seeing, how long we have been seeing them for, and most importantly – the
foreseeable, inevitable end date, we still seem to be expecting an unrealistic
level of commitment, future, or promise.
Understandably,
people have individual preferences when it comes to starting something up with
someone new. Some people only see one person at a time; some see many until one
gets serious – or sometimes longer. However, sometimes we fail to recognize that
our preference is not necessarily the same as whoever we are seeing. Although
you may be seeing them and only them because the thought of seeing anyone else
at the same time makes you uncomfortable, they may be seeing other people. On
the other hand, if you are both only seeing each other when it first gets
going, that does not make you
exclusive. And you are still not exclusive a few months down the line when you
think you have a ‘mutual understanding’. As much as you may think that no
conversation is necessary, and ‘making it official’ is ‘childish’, it needs to
happen. It is illogical to expect someone to meet you where you are if you
never discuss it.
Contrary
to popular belief, it’s not all love at
first sight. You don’t walk into someone’s life and become engulfed in it.
You need to crawl before you can walk. You don’t get invited to every social
function on the other side. You’re not immediately part of the family. You
start in the shallow end and swim very, very
slowly to the deep end. Not only that, you test the temperature of the pool
with your big toe. Rushing/forcing things can lead to added pressure and
eventually disappointment.
Recently
I was witness to what may or may not be a unique situation. I have not yet heard
of an act like this, nor have I ever experienced it, but please do not hesitate
to share if you are familiar with what I am about to describe. Now from what I
saw, this was not a new relationship, but it was headed nowhere. Both parties
were aware of this – or so I thought. The fling evidently brought forth some
feelings, time was invested, and gifts were bought. Not a problem – unless
someone thinks they have wasted their time. You see, you can’t take time back; it’s
an irreversible manifestation of the progression of existence. But what you can
take back (if you’re petty), is the gifts you have given throughout the time
you have spent together. But for what (other than to prove a point)? A gift is
not a conditional investment. It is a kind gesture. Once you give a gift, the
person who receives it does not owe you anything. That’s not how gifts work.
But hey, if you want the stuff back, go ahead and ask for it, we’re all adults
here. That is until you get your friend to send
a text asking for your shit back.
Unfathomable! Emotions may have been running high here, so I’m blaming the
friend. A little too much girl power in the room was there? “Yeah! Text him!
Get your shit back! Fuck it! I’ll text him for you!” No, no, no, that is not
what a good friend says. A good friend informs you that maybe that isn’t such a
good idea, maybe you should just leave it, at the very worst you should text
him yourself. O, shitty friend, for shame!
In my
eyes, irreversible damage has been done here. A very poor attempt at a power
move has been made. Obviously a fail. If nothing else it would be an
embarrassment to show face after a performance like this. Making a big deal out
of the end of what is essentially a nothing
relationship when you stop and look at the facts is a waste of time and
energy. Accept what it is for what it is. You’ll know when it’s something else.
If it all feels cryptic, clear it up. It can only go two ways. Simplify what
you’re doing before you accidentally ask for gift refunds. Have realistic
expectations, take your time, find out where each other are at. 100.
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