Pet Peeve #9 – Feet Draggers

The sound it makes when people drag their feet is up there with the AHHH sound after a drink. Borderline unbearable. Unless there is a medical reason that you physically cannot lift your feet off the ground, it is unacceptable to drag your feet. Ever heard someone scratch a chalkboard? Or cut food too aggressively on their plate? These sounds are nauseating; the dragging of feet is on par.

                I am a sneaker fanatic. It is disrespectful to sneakers around the world when you murder their relatives by dragging them along the ground. How many shoes must be destroyed before we clean up our act? We wear holes in the bottom, we scuff them, we virtually end up looking like homeless people with the damage we do to our shoes by dragging our feet. It’s unforgiveable.

                If we get into the dangerous habit early in life it may become fatal when we grow older. Yes, I said it – fatal. While our bodies are in good shape, we should train our muscle memory to remember to how lift our feet, because once we begin to fall victim to old age and deteriorate – it could be a wrap. I have witnessed and heard of far too many elderly people falling and hurting themselves and sometimes even ending up in hospital. For some reason old people love rugs. Worst thing to have a passion for when you can’t lift your feet is rugs. It is an invitation to trip and fall. Do you want to be this grandparent? I don’t think so. Pick up your act, and pick up your feet.

                Feet draggers are often the people who we see trip on things that are invisible to the untrained eye. They have the ability to trip on the sidewalk if there is a random quarter-inch rise. They then proceed to attempt to save face by examining the sidewalk, their shoes, and checking to see if anyone saw them trip. I saw! The silent observer. The social assassin. I will always be there when you don’t quite lift your foot high enough for the next step and you fall UP the staircase. I will always be there when you think you tripped on your shoelace but it was really just a line painted on the ground. I will laugh quietly to myself while I shake my head if I am too far away, but if I am near enough to you, I will let you know what I saw and I will give you the advice that you did not ask for. Pick up your feet. Save yourself. Save society.

Facebook Official

In today’s society we hear a rumor and look at our online social networks for clarification. Is this the best way to confirm unknown information? I don’t think so.

                “Did you hear Rachel and Dave broke up?”
                “No! When did that happen?”
                “I don’t know, but they aren’t together on facebook anymore.”

                Facebook though? That’s the gospel now. If you aren’t facebook official, you aren’t in a real relationship – you’re probably just “seeing” each other. It is hard to believe that this is not only accepted by our generation, but encouraged. I asked my friend the other day how he and his girl were doing. He proceeded to tell me that they were alright, “Nothing serious though, it’s not like we’re facebook official.” Needless to say, I wanted to pull his teeth out.

                ‘Facebook official’ shouldn’t only be in regard to relationship status. Since facebook and twitter are now used therapeutically by people who think they have problems, people read depressing statuses and literally believe people might be ready to inflict self harm. Obviously there are some people out there who do need help. To those people, search somewhere other than social networks for help. And for people just seeking attention, with no real problems – take a second to think about what true disadvantaged people have to go through. They don’t have time to bitch and moan on social networks because they are trying to find food and shelter for the night. Put your ‘problems’ in perspective, if you are that desperate for attention – go act crazy in the mall or something. I promise people will watch.

                The true problem with facebook is that it is a relationship destroyer. Crazy, insecure, clingy, needy girlfriends want your password? Nope. That shit simply does not fly. When we refuse to give our password, the assumption is that we are cheating. However, it is only logical not to give out your password. If everyone was supposed to have access to our facebook profiles, we wouldn’t need passwords now would we?

                Once you are in a romantic relationship, every girl that posts on your wall is trying to fuck you. They are disrespecting the girl you are with by openly trying to talk to you by posting on your wall. They pose an instant threat by saying they miss you. And god-forbid they sign off with an ‘x’ – what a slut. If you reply, you intend to sleep with her. If you write back and sign off with an ‘x’ – you may as well have cheated on your girl.

                Delete a post from your wall and you are trying to hide something. Prepare for interrogation and hide all the sharp objects in the house. Post something on a girl’s wall – flee the country. Become friends with new females – you are basically running an escort service. Post or receive a VIDEO, call suicide watch. Call her work, call her parents, call her friends, find out where she is, make sure she is safe, put her in a padded room until the storm passes. You think that’s bad? I DARE you to like a picture. I. Dare. You.

We take facebook a little too seriously. People often post things as jokes. Our friends often jump on when we are not in the room and haze us. However, we believe everything we read like it’s fucking CNN. Relax and learn the difference between reality and virtual reality. If you have to ask, “Is he/she serious?” Then wait a minute before you believe it.

Pet Peeve #8 – Hallway Etiquette

I can’t walk through a hallway or on a footpath in the world without brushing shoulders with a stranger who I have no desire to touch. Why? Because people become ignorant/blind to the world when they are walking.

                If people had as little consideration while driving as they have while walking – the majority of the human population would be erased. When we drive we drive on an allocated side of the road. Is there a reason as to why we cannot follow this same rule while we walk? I almost feel as if I am invisible at times when I try to walk and people attempt to walk through me. However, I am in fact solid and if people try to walk through me I will act as an obstruction.

                Not only do people walk on the wrong side of walkways, but they will stop abruptly midstride to have a STOP AND CHAT in the path of seemingly rival pedestrians. What is that about? Treat this situation as if it is a cell phone call while driving – pull over to the side of the road and do your talking in an effort not to harm other drivers (walkers).

                If I am having the worst day of my life, I think a person giving me some slight shoulder action walking by me could be my cathartic crash test dummy. I mean, we all feel like fighting fools in the club who bump into us and that is unintentional for the most part due to a lack of room. But if we and in an eight foot wide hallway and you bump into me I may turn homicidal. It’s like an invitation for a fight. You honestly deserve a fine if you can’t transfer road rules to walk rules. Let’s improve society with some simple hallway/sidewalk etiquette. If you choose not to… Go planking on the I-95.

The Age Differential

I often wonder why women are attracted to older men and why men are attracted to younger women. Since statistically women have a life expectancy longer than that of men, I think it should be the other way around. In the event that we do find our perfect match, we would die at approximately the same time, however, with women chasing older men, once their soul mate passes, the woman will be alone for a lengthy remainder of her life.

                So is it maturity, financial stability, image, or some other factor that makes women choose older men? I think it depends on the time of life of the individuals.

                In high school girls want the older guys because it gives them a sense of status and power. They feel like they are popular because older guys give them attention and thus the older girls accept them when they spend more time with them due to the older boyfriend. Conversely they may be resented by the older girls for taking their men, but since they are probably dating guys in university there should be no problems. Older guys also have cars – so no more walking or school bus for the girls who can get an older boyfriend.

                In college girls will most likely go for guys in higher classes, or date men who have already finished with their education. Here it becomes a question of maturity. Since women “mature more quickly than men” they can only find their intellectual equivalent in older guys. I put that in quotation marks because despite any research done to support that “fact,” I do not necessarily agree with it. There is also that sense of superiority if you are a freshman dating a senior, like, “Yeh, I’m a bad bitch.”

                After school it becomes a matter of success and financial stability. Women are designed to be mothers. They want to raise a family and to do so they need to know that they are financially secure. The older a man is – the more chance there is that he has experience and success is his profession. That’s why 40-year-old men who still work at check-outs are generally the exception to this rule and remain single for their entire lives (stay in school).

                Why do men tend to go for younger women? This needs less explanation – they still look good, duh. 

Pet Peeve #7 – Obnoxious Thirst Satisfaction

What is with people who insist upon making that god-awful “Ahhhh” sound after they drink? It is so obnoxious. It’s almost as if you think you have accomplished a major feat in swallowing a mouthful of your beverage. Is hydration cause for celebration in any place other than a desert? I quite literally feel nauseated when I hear that sound. I have to restrain myself from slapping the person’s cup out of their hands. There is no sound more unnecessary.

                If you are someone who makes this sound, I bet you can’t give me a good reason as to why. I put the house on it. This sound serves no purpose. It is just an obnoxious habit that way too many people share. Can you imagine if these people did it after every time they swallowed? A typical meal would be an absolute breath-fest. What if a person with halitosis decides to excessively exhale after a sip of a beverage? What if the company they are with is within range of the breath? It is an invitation for disaster. A catastrophic event filled with projectile puking. Mmm, yummy. Breathe on that.

                Beer. Not the greatest smelling beverage ever created. Ignorant to this fact are the obnoxious souls who choose to blow the aftermath of this gaseous brew in your face after they complete their gulp. Ew. This should be the definition of party pooper. It is a peeve which infuriates me to a level of near-uncontrollable anger. An anger that can only be remedied with a violent physical outburst

                Please put an end to this foolishness. I can’t take it much longer. It’s gross, annoying, and obnoxious, not to mention pointless. End this movement NOW!

One Date Theory

I have a theory that if you get the chance to go on a date with someone you are in to, after that first date it’s smooth sailing. This can work for both men and women, as long as both people are on the same page; otherwise you probably have a lot of game playing ahead of you.

                So you are attracted to someone who you think is kind of special. You find a way to talk to her and eventually get her number and flirt a little bit. You sense some reciprocity so you ask to hang out. You start to hang out and hook up a little more regularly, so you eventually work up the courage to ask her on a date. She accepts – phase one of the theory complete.

                You want to be sure not to over or under dress for the date. Don’t do too much, keep it simple and make sure the conversation flows. Don’t feel under pressure to impress her, but don’t let her get bored. This date is all about happy mediums. She is just as nervous as you are, so don’t overdo it and scare her away. She will appreciate a modest night out (unless you found a gold digger or SUCCUBUS QUEEN). Phase two of the theory complete.

                After this date, the person of interest should stop looking at you as just a hook up. You would have to fuck this date up real bad to not make a bunch of progress after this. I will say that if you do not want this individual to be your only girl, don’t take her on a date. It sends the wrong message and will get you in trouble with more than just her. After this date she will have a different type of respect for you. Reciprocate that respect and you will be successful in seeking the favor of the woman in question. Theory complete.

                Seems simple. However, all people seem to want to do is PLAY GAMES. Getting on the first date is the hardest part of this theory, but once you succeed in that you’re on your way to igniting the flaming relationship you are looking for.

No promises as this theory has not been tested in the field.

Pet Peeve #6 – Seriously/Literally

Females with a below average intellectual ability have a sickening tendency to use these two words incorrectly. My intent is not to be sexist, men do it too but it is extremely rare.

                “Seriouslyyyy!” Ugh, I shudder at the thought of this word being used in place of a sentence. If conversation is so weak that at some point I need to vocalize my observation that it is cold outside, please humor me and say something back with some sort of substance, “I know! Last time it was this cold my pet Wooly Mammoth caught pneumonia!” That would be interesting, something entertaining and memorable to make me realize that my conversation starter was weak. “Seriously!” just won’t cut it.

                Since I chose the enthralling weather example for seriously, I guess I will stick with it for literally. Please never, ever tell me that it’s so cold you’re literally dying – unless you want me to call an ambulance. Do we all know what literally means? Literally means you are speaking in a strict sense, with no exaggeration or inaccuracy. So if you tell me you are literally dying, it means I should do whatever I can to help you. If you literally peed your pants laughing, it means you laughed so hard that you lost control of your bladder and urinated while fully clothed. If something literally tastes like shit, it means you have in fact tasted shit before and whatever you are eating now is comparable to that taste.

“Like, seriouslyyy, it’s like sooo cold out right now, I’m literally like going to pass out. Like seriously.”

                If that is how you talk. Go ahead. Just do me a favor and don’t talk to me. If I hear you say things like this I will literally cringe and tell you to shut the fuck up – in all seriousness.

How Our Minds Differ

Her mind:

Tonight we went out for a romantic dinner. He paid. So we’re good right? But he wasn’t very talkative. I asked him if he was okay. He said everything was fine and smiled. So we’re good right? But I could tell there was so much going on in his mind. Why didn’t he tell me what was wrong? I asked him again in the car. He looked at me like I was crazy. I knew there was something wrong. So I asked again. He laughed and said everything is fine. I said, “Only fine?” He got mad. I knew something was wrong! I asked again. He said he was fine. When we got home he went to the lounge room and turned on the Xbox. I went to bed. He came up 15 minutes later and kissed me goodnight. He was asleep in 5 minutes. I cried myself to sleep.

His mind:

Xbox won’t connect to Xbox Live today. Can’t seem to figure out why. And my girlfriend is acting weirder than usual.

Pet Peeve #5 – Dripping Ice Cream

Picture this: it’s a nice summer’s day; you’re at the beach with your girl, you think its perfect weather for an ice cream and that it will be cute if you buy one for you and your girl to share. Oh contraire! Its 100 degrees out. You have two options; eat fast and get brain freeze and look like a pig, or eat at a regular pace and let sugary ice cream syrup slide down your fingers. In addition, the genius that served you this colossal ice cream gave you one miniature napkin. One. And it is so thin that when you try to clean the sticky ice cream remains of your finger with it, the napkin shreds as if Wolverine was cleaning his blades with it.

                What is the deal with the enormous mess a simple ice cream cone can make? I don’t want sticky fingers at the beach. I hate sand at the best of times, so why would I want it stuck to my fingers? The romance of the day is ruined now that I can’t hold my girls hand since I am at risk of sanding it down to the bone with my abrasive fingers. The beach is the least fun place to have sticky fingers. Unless you’re playing beach football, because you will be able to catch passes like Jerry Rice.

                It is just an ice cream cone. Do we really want that much value for our buck that we expect the tip of the ice cream to touch over passing aircraft? Drips are inevitable with these gigantic servings, and I haven’t even touched on obesity yet. The greediness and inexplicable overeating in our society might just be the cause of this pet peeve of mine. The ice cream specialist serving my ice cream thinks I expect these incomprehensible serving sizes. Sometimes I am unsure how many scoops I am allowed in my ice cream. I’ll be like, “Chocolate thanks.” And they will put in one scoop and look at me like, “What else, idiot?” So I’ll be like, “Oh, and cookies and cream.” Again this seemingly generous cone artist will look at me and this little routine will continue until he can’t reach the top of my ice cream anymore and I have to beg him not to bring out the stepladder.

                When the drips start I see people think they are beating the system by licking them up quickly. Quite the contrary. Every time you lick the cone you soften it a little (quite the opposite of the logic we might be used to). Eventually the cup part of the cone will be so soft it will collapse and you will lose your top scoop of ice cream like a situation straight out of a predictable children’s sitcom.

                 Speaking of children, why do these senseless maniacs insist on biting the bottom of the cone? Runny ice cream will fly out of the like diarrhea. And I promise they will not learn their lesson the first time they make this wearisome blunder.

                I only have one solution to this ridiculous dilemma. Smaller servings or eat out of a bowl. Why do we persist to try and stuff as much ice cream in a cone as extra-terrestrially possible? Let’s use a little self control people.