The Approval

When we start seeing a new girl/guy, we will eventually have them meet our friends to find out whether or not they approve. There is a huge difference however, in the way that guys show their approval and the way that girls show their approval.

                When a girl introduces a new man to her friends for the first time, they will analyze the situation during the meeting and prepare themselves for what she believes the gossip will be afterwards. Signs women tend to look for are whether or not the guy can make her friends laugh. If he can succeed in this, it is a huge sign of approval. If he can get the group engaged in stimulating and appropriate topics of conversation, the group will naturally think he is charming. It is better for him to act too familiar and make it seem like he has been around since the birth of the group than for him to seem like an introverted loner.

                The girl will know if the guy has been approved from a couple of different ways. One is if the group lets her leave with him instead of making her stay with them and making him leave alone. If this is the case they are probably expecting the girl to take him to bed. The other way is the obvious gossip the next time the girls all meet up. They will either talk about how charming the guy is and how much they love him and how perfect the two are together, or it will be a cyclone of insults, reasons not to see him again, and general bitchiness. Either way however, the girl is probably just going to give the guy a chance since they value the chance of meeting ‘the one’ so highly.

                Guys on the other hand are a little simpler. The sheer natural shallowness of the male species will allow an instant approval/disapproval. As soon as the boys see the new lady friend, there will be a nod or a wink, nothing, or a “what the fuck are you thinking” face. Only the nod will be acceptable. If it is either of the other options, the visit will be cut short – although the relationship may not be. However, if the ever-so-cherished nod is given, it will be a long and relaxed group date. The minute the girl has to go to the bathroom, a barrage of sexual comments will be made, followed by a quick, “and she seems cool too!” Approval acknowledged.

                Now guys like to learn things the hard way. As I have said in the past, guys are good advice givers, not takers. Consequently, if the guys say anything negative like, “pursuing a relationship with this new girl is a bad idea and it will not end well,” we certainly will not listen (at least not until we have had sex with her). However, after sex it is too late – many females can take intercourse as some sort of exclusivity agreement and assume that you take it the same way. Some don’t even need sex to mentally construct this agreement. From here disaster strikes and there are no short cuts or safe routes to escape.

                The moral of this story? We like to think that our friends are influential in who we pursue romantic relationships with, but in the long run we are going to follow our hearts/genitals, not our brains. Sometimes this works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But it makes for a great story time and a life full of drama and excitement that one could write a book on, or maybe a blog.

Don't Be That Guy

Here are some of the most annoying things guys do:

Bitch: This is so entertaining. We complain about how bitchy women can be, then we go hang out with our friends and bitch all day, how ironic. We bitch about our professors, coaches, friends, girlfriends, sideline hoes, regular hoes –anything. Some of us bitch on the phone, some update statuses, some tweet, some subtweet, and some write blogs – pathetic right? The worst thing is that a bitchy guy probably bitches more than a bitchy girl, and we are probably harder to shut up.

Blackmail: Every guy out there has naked picture of at least a few girls on his phone. You girls are stupid enough to send them to us, and when we stop ‘talking’ sometimes we may get our feelings hurt and get a little bitter. Then threats start coming out about releasing the pictures you sent us (which, by the way, all of our friends have already seen). What are we threatening for? To win you back.. Good strategy.

Aight yo, I’ll see you: We just leave anywhere, at anytime, without any notice. Where are we going? Who knows. Will we tell you later? No, and probably for good reason. But just bailing on a group of friends/people randomly without saying if you’re coming back is not cool. It’s annoying.

Never pay back: We always go out and somehow forget our wallet. We promise to pay you back, and suddenly 5 years go back and you’ve bought us so many lunches that if you never met us you could have bought a small business by now.

Play games: We will be the first to complain about a girl who is playing games with us, but we will also be the first to use a girl to get another girl. All we need to do is ask the girl out, but instead we take the scenic route and hurt another girl in the process. We do this because being egotistical clowns is in our DNA.

Never use our own advice: We will add our 2 cents to every conversation, act like professionals in any situation, give advice, and never do any of the things that we tell other people to do. As much as you ladies out there don’t like to admit it, we can give some really good advice, what we can’t do is use our own advice for self preservation.

Get emotional: When something happens to us that we think is catastrophic, we become inconsolable. Girls like an emotional guy since so many of us hide our emotions (which they hate), but this does not mean they want a guy drooling and crying all over them. Go ahead and read my other post “The Hollywood Effect”. It does not only relate to women. Romeo and Juliet is a movie – do not attempt to re-enact it in real life, they were trained professionals.

Stalk: Sometimes they physically stalk. A number of friends of mine have had to get restraining orders on crazy guys. But I’m talking about things that I see on a semi-regular basis – Facebook stalking. Sitting down for hours on end going through profiles of girls, looking at their photos, checking their relationship status, seeing who they talk to, etc. Again check my previous post “Doin’ Too Much” and insert this in there – guys do too much too.

Now lastly, check my previous post “How We Drive Our Girls Crazy” and you will realize that ALL of those points should be included in this post too.

Cougartown

The accomplishment of bagging an older woman is no longer just a passing fad, but a cultural phenomenon. Your boys will give you full bragging rights and hang on to your every word as you tell them how it all went down during the cougar-hunt. Conversely, is it an accomplishment for a woman to bag a younger man? And why does it seem to get easier for us as young men to bag older women? Today I bring you the answers.

                Are younger men different to older men? Of course they are. Every generation is going to have both similarities and differences. The main difference that our generation has over the older is that our mothers have been empowered women with a voice in not only the family, but in society. With a strong woman as a mother, we are brought up with a different respect for women than our elders.

                What do we want in an older woman other than bragging rights? Well an older woman has already established herself financially and mentally. If she wants kids – she already has them. She already has a career/money, so we don’t need to worry about these gold digging bitches snatching our credit cards. She should be mature enough to have realized that the ‘fairy tale’ wedding and all the bullshit that comes with it is only for celebrities – so we just get good food, fine wine, and experienced sex. Winning.

                Does the older woman gain advantages with the younger man? Yes, along with disadvantages. The advantages are that we have no baggage, we have so much love and respect that you are in your sexual prime, and we are at our most confident. Disadvantages are that this confidence will most likely lead us to stray because we think we are invincible and that we will not get caught. Our ego fluctuation between high and low is so unpredictable that at times you may have to treat us like the children we are so we don’t begin to sulk. And being with a younger man you may start to fear that we will leave you as you begin to age. However, if you are a strong and confidence woman (which you are, since that is the reason we are looking for cougars) and you are in a real relationship – you have nothing to worry about.

                I don’t know how many older readers I have out there since this is aimed mainly at college students, but at least now you have an idea why we get so excited about women who (like fine wine) get better with age.

A Mestivus for the Restivus

Some guys just mess up everything for the rest of us. From what I can figure out, it’s one of two things these clowns are doing to destroy women for future recruiting. We are tired of crazy girls, so stop turning regular girls crazy (for arguments sake we will assume there are regular girls out there).

When guys with zero confidence try to run game on a broad, they forget how rapidly egos can grow (just as rapidly as they can self destruct). These guys are the ones that hype the girl up so much because they are trying to look like a nice guy and wind up turning her into an evil, vindictive, blood sucking runt. Yeah, we’ll stick with runt. These guys are so surprised they are talking to this girl (whom they have obviously placed upon the tallest of pedestals) that they keep telling them; “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” “You could have anyone you wanted,” “You deserve the best,” “You should be treated like a princess.” All this does is make her realize she shouldn’t even be wasting her time talking to your sad ass, and then when another dude rolls up she thinks she is too good to talk to him. *NEWSFLASH* you aren’t that special. There are a million girls out there better than you, and you were one of them before you started acting so full of yourself. And the girls I’m talking about aren’t reading this because they are too busy googling themselves and taking photos of themselves pouting. Idiots.

The other scenario is when a girl gets cheated on or abused in a relationship and then makes an executive decision that every guy is the same. We understand that is some tough shit to go through and it takes a while to get over it (if you get over it at all), but if you are going to keep complaining to new guys about old shit, they are going to get tired of it. Yeah, you’re cute and all that so we want to talk to you, but when we ask to hang out and you start crying about all these irrelevant issues, we are going to call our boys as soon as you leave and tell them you’ve got wayyyy too many skeletons for our liking. There is such a thing as too much self-disclosure, and issues as deep as these do not need to be disclosed early in a relationship and if you start placing that label on us our sympathy will decline – quickly. I know I can’t do anything to stop guys from cheating – shit happens, but you have to quit the abusive bullshit, that’s fucked up.

I don’t know which scenario is more likely, but I know that you girls out there strutting around like you own the world have to slow down, and you girls still freaking out about past events – maybe you just aren’t ready to talk to guys yet. Sympathy is there for the latter, but you uppity girls out there acting like you are allergic to people because you are above them – calm down before karma catches up to you.

Why is She Mad?

Have you ever had an argument with your girl because… Well you really had no idea why? I know, frustrating right? It’s easy to turn around and tell your buddies, “That bitch is crazy!” However, you probably gave her a legitimate reason to get heated.

                Has your girlfriend ever suggested you watch a movie with her and you told her, “No. That sounds gay.” If so, don’t go and watch that movie with your friends and then tell her how great it is.

                Has your girlfriend ever told you she hates your ex-girlfriend that you’re still friends with? Well if you hang out with her, don’t tell your girl how much of a great time you had together. You already know females get to a fanatical level of jealousy that we as men do not know how to deal with.

                Remember all the lies you told her when you were trying to get in her pants? When she inevitably finds out how many lies you told, she is going to try and gouge your eyes out with no warning and you are going to have to tell your workmates your cat was feeling extra playful. When they get mad they forget we are not mind readers and they trip even harder when we don’t know why they are acting crazy.

                Remember how she forgave you when you cheated? You can’t ever talk to another female again. No matter how much she says she is over it. She will FREAK if she hears another woman’s voice on the phone, even if it is your mother – she won’t believe you. And remember how you used to be able to read your texts in peace? Never again. “Who’s that?” Always and forever.

                Have you ever been like, “WHOA! What are you on PMS?” when you already know that’s not the problem but just can’t figure out what the actual problem is? Try to refrain yourself, because now you have a whole new problem to take care of, and whether she has PMS or not – you’re not getting any for a while.

                Have you ever told your girl to “Shh” while you were watching television? Be grateful to wake up with your cable still attached. Oh and the TV cable too.

                When your girl gets mad at you and you don’t know why, just be patient. She will expect you to work it out, but don’t waste your time, or else you will end up accidentally confessing to some shit she doesn’t even know about yet. Eventually she will tell you why she is mad, it might be a good reason, it might be completely absurd (typically the latter), but you can apologize for it and move on to your next drama.

How Bromantic

Urban Dictionary says that a bromance is, "The complicated love and affection shared by two straight males." I for one know however, that if a woman is in a relationship with a man who shares a bromance, she is naturally inclined to get jealous about it. There seems to be a genetic predisposition in females to attempt to claim soul ownership of their ‘mate’. So ladies, where do you fit in to a bromance?

                First we must find out, are you just overreacting over a friendship? Or is there really a bromance taking place? Symptoms of the bromance may include:

·         The cancellation of plans between you and your man so he can chill with his boys

·         The endless presence of the ‘bro-friend’, whether it be in person or on the phone

·         Constant bromantic boys nights/weekends, lack of romantic couples nights/weekends

·         Every story involves the bro-friend

Just so you know; this is the man’s life before he meets his woman, and it is a life that is hard to let go of, so when you start acting like a bitch about it and he acts all confused – it’s because he sees no problems with his behavior. When you say, “You should know what my problem is,” we confirm in our minds that you are acting irrationally and we instantly stop caring about what issue you have decided to fabricate with your very special imagination. Anyway, some of the side effects you may feel from your man’s bromance comprise of:

·         A feeling of inadequacy compared to his bro-friend(s)

·         A fear that your relationship is falling MASSIVELY short of your COLOSSAL expectations

·         You think you have to compete for your man’s attention

·         You have to pretend you are interested in things he talks about with his friends so you can gain acceptance

o   Sports

o   Video games

o   Action movies

We know that ladies are all about spending quality time with their boyfriends. If you want your relationship to have any chance of reaching your oversized, Hollywood expectations, here are some tips that you might want to take seriously.

·         NEVER blame us for blowing you off for our bromance. We will immediately begin to resent you for such selfishness. Driving a wedge between our relationship and our friends/families is not what we signed up for (contrary to popular belief).

·         Stop sitting around crying and all that crap. While we are with our friends, that gives you time for your friends. Instead of dwelling on what you cannot control, look at the bright side and make the most of it.

·         Do NOT try any of that ultimatum bullshit. Refer to Outside Influences.

·         When we do spend time together, don’t expect us to just lie down for hours and stare in to your eyes. That shit’s boring and we have short attention spans. It’s all this stagnant activity that drives us to find a sideline-ho.

If your man is deep in to his bromance, there are a few things you can do to earn a little extra time with him (other than delete his bro-friends number from his phone).

·         Identify with us. Acknowledge that you like to spend time with your friends too, but add that you would like a LITTLE extra time with us.

·         Instead of talking all the time, do fun stuff with us – even if it’s not fun for you, we will be spending time together.

o   Golf

o   Pool

o   Action movies

o   Cards

o   Video games

o   Fun board games

o   New sex positions

·         Act like the girl we started dating, not the psychotic bitch you turned into afterwards.

If you try all of this and you still think you are not a high enough priority for your man, you are probably right. Time to re-evaluate your relationship and beg the friends you threw away to spend more time with your boyfriend, to take you back.

The Fragility of the Human Ego

It has been said that both prey and predator can smell fear. So people try to exude a certain air of confidence when they go on the prowl out on the town. This can backfire when the effort to radiate confidence becomes too deliberate; it just comes off as desperation. Have you ever heard of the expression, “He/She literally stinks of desperation!” Now I hate to use the word literally when what I am talking about is not literal, people who do that figuratively wipe their asses with the English language. All tangents aside, research shows that it is possible for people to give off a very real, pheromonal-based, stink of desperation. So how do we act with confidence without the desperation? Our ego must be in check enough for us to believe we have good reason to be as confident as we want to be.

                There are a number of events that can shatter the Human ego, but the male ego especially. Men are very serious about the size of their junk; a simple giggle at a naked man will have him questioning his manhood for years. When a guy is trying to run some game on a lady and she’s just not having that, it makes it hard for us to talk to the next one. Women are verbally oriented, while men are word oriented. “But that’s the same thing!” you exclaim. No its not. If we get asked to bring home a gallon of milk after work and come back empty handed – a woman will become frustrated and say, “You’re so irresponsible.” All we hear as men is the word “irresponsible” and we become fixated on it and rather than realize you are talking about one instance, we start to question ourselves; “What about all the months of mortgage I have paid? Has that all been erased because of one simple action?” The male species has a fragile ego and it is easy to make fun of, but why is the female ego no laughing matter?

                Is there any right answer to “Does this outfit make me look fat?” If we reply with a straight, “no,” that is not good enough; apparently we are supposed to tell them how good they look, although that was not part of the question. However, if we do choose to extend our response to something like, “You know I think you look good in anything you wear,” we have not answered the question directly enough and the obvious conclusion to jump to is that we are avoiding the question because we don’t want to insult her since she looks humongous in that outfit. *SIGH* the logic that some women follow is completely unfathomable. Women are incredibly sensitive, they think with their hearts and emotions rather than with logic, whereas men think with their genitals and logic rather than with their emotions and hearts. This sensitivity leads them to stop eating and all sorts of wild shit if we say the wrong thing.

                So be aware of the ego of your significant other, otherwise guys will be making love through the hole in the front of their boxers and women will stop eating. Get it together people.