Pet Peeve #20 – Whispers

There is a time and a place for whispering, and I believe it is far less common than any one of you reading this right now.

                Whispering while you are in a group so other people don’t hear is rude, point blank period. Make a mental note and tell them/text them later. I would even rather if you took them away from the group – if it is urgent. I mean, “I’m so sorry, your driver’s side mirror has just been karate kicked clean off your car,” urgent. Not, “Oh my God, did you hear Jones stuck it in Meera’s butt,” urgent. Whispering in a group is not as discreet as you think it is, everybody sees it, and at least one person who wasn’t supposed to hear it hears it.

                If you see something you feel the need to comment on quietly with the whole group, go ahead and huddle up, talk quietly and share the news with the whole group. If you are the one person who didn’t hear what was said, don’t obnoxiously yell out, “What are you whispering about?” That shit is so awkward. Whoever is being whispered about becomes both self-conscious and resentful. How do they know they are being whispered about? First of all, your simple, obnoxious friend drew attention to you, and when people whisper about someone, they ALWAYS stare at them while they whisper. Inconspicuous? I think not.

                So when is this uncommon occurrence when you can whisper? Oddly enough it is when you are ALONE with your better half. A little seductive whisper never hurt anybody. Unless you lean in and say, “Mmm, I just sharted,” the mood is pretty much set.

The Airport Pickup

The airport pickup is a binding social contract. There is almost no one more important than he who picks you up from the airport. I find great satisfaction when I am asked to pick someone up from the airport, and when perfectly executed – the airport pick up gives a feeling of euphoria like none other. Let me explain:

                You only ever ask someone to pick you up from the airport who you completely trust. They are a reliable individual who you know will not let you down. Seeing their face the moment you touch down is something you look forward to. Ideally this person can make enjoyable conversation for the drive home, but hopefully you have some interesting stories from your trip to keep them busy. When I am asked to be this person I get a feeling of utmost gratitude. It’s almost like I’m in the spotlight, all eyes on me. Not that I enjoy attention…

                How do you perfectly execute an airport pickup? As an experienced pickerupper and pickeruppee, I have the knowledge to execute the airport pickup to a tee. If it is someone extremely important to you, you want to be waiting at the gate as they arrive. For someone less formal, perhaps an old friend that you see regularly, you just want them to walk out of the airport and see you in the driver’s seat in your car and jump in. How can you time something so perfectly? You must take everything into consideration. Treat this like a black-ops mission. Leave no stone unturned, consider all contingencies. Before the pickup you check the flight ETA. Once you have the ETA you have to allow for the time it takes to get off the plane, walk to baggage claim, get the bags, and leave the airport. In a small airport I allow 17 minutes for this chain of events, in a larger airport I wait 27 minutes. I have never forgotten to pick someone up, nor have I been late. My timing is impeccable.

                Why is the airport pickup a binding social contract? It solidifies relationships; romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise. It is an issue of respect and trustworthiness. If we are late to the pickup we are in another world of stress, letting someone down on this day is the ultimate act of betrayal. For a social exercise that we never think about, as a collective society we have revolutionized the airport pickup into an imperative relational measure.

                If the flight is cancelled, however, does the pickerupper still get credit for the pickup?

Phone Sex

In our increasingly technological society, distance is no longer a reason for abstinence or cheating. Phone sex, Skype sex, sexting, all brilliant inventions for horny couples battling distance. But what happens when one partner is not available to engage in virtual-coitus?

                Voicemail. If I ever hear about voicemail or answering machine sex I will track down the culprit and destroy their phone and possibly their sex drive. We already spend more time talking to our phones than we do talking to people, let’s try and keep intercourse intimate and face to face.

                There are some people who we can just talk on the phone with all night. It’s hard to hang up and when we finally do hang up at 4am, we still feel the need to send them a text afterwards. What is the post-phone sex etiquette? Do we send a text saying, “haha that was awesome! So much fun we should do that more often.” Ew.

                If you have a considerable distance between you and one of you does not like the idea of phone sex or anything related, is that person considered a prude? Is the talk about taking one’s phone sex virginity anything like the talk about taking one’s legitimate virginity? Phone sex can be a great way to keep the flame burning when there is a duration of time that a couple is separated, but I don’t think it is essential, nor do I think it can replace the intimacy and immediacy of true sexual intercourse.

                When you live in the same neighborhood I see no advantage to phone sex whatsoever. I actually see more of a chance of malicious, immature, conniving behavior. Friends listening in on the line, pictures being sent around, phone calls being recorded and played to people. Have I witnessed this kind of behavior? Sure. Have I been a part of this kind of behavior? No comment. Have I been victimized by this type of behavior? Never, I’m not an idiot.

Pet Peeve #19 – All Ice, No Drink

Why is it that when I’m in a restaurant I am reminded of an athletic training room? It wouldn’t be because people keep running around getting me ice by any chance, would it?

                Regardless of whether its fast food where I pay $1 for a gallon of soda, or it’s an upscale restaurant where I pay upwards of $5 for a glass of soda, I still only get a sip of soda and what seems like a large percentage of the arctic north in my cup. What kind of ice are they serving me, methamphetamine?

                Why do they bother asking if the table would like any beverages? They should just ask what flavor we would like added to our ice, since that’s essentially what they do. When is it acceptable to bring me a cup of ice? Only if by some chance I am going into labor, I heard ice chips are good for that.

                If there are free refills I can accept the ice cup to an extent. But if I am paying for every cup of ice that gets brought out to me, there better be a prize waiting for me in the middle of one of the ice cubes. A good prize.

Super Bowl Sunday

Everybody is a sports analyst today. Everyone knows better than everyone else. Everyone deserves a job at ESPN. Not really though.

                Super Bowl Sunday comes around and the debates are in full force like a political forum. Even people like me, who have no business talking about this game (I’m a Greenbay fan), get into heated arguments about today’s results. However, these people probably have more of an idea than the actual fans of the Giants and the Patriots do. Fans always back their team, no matter how ignorant their arguments are.

                Dining hall, class, locker room, crib; these are all places I hear these debates go down. Better QB, better offense, better defense, better special teams, career stats, hotter wives, better uniform – shut up. Trash talk is one thing, pretending you are an expert is another. We all know the rules, we all enjoy the game, but if we were put on the ESPN halftime show we would look like fools.

                This is a lose/lose Super Bowl. I wish it could be a draw and no one would win. Both Giants and Patriots fans are the most obnoxious fans in the league. No matter who wins, the aftermath is going to make me want to blow my brains out. Especially when the wannabe analysts start their I-told-you-so’s.

                If I had money on this game at least I would have someone to root for. That always makes a game more exciting. My pick – Patriots by 4.

Pet Peeve #18 – The Yawn and Talk

People really yawn mid-conversation. What kind of sense does that make? Do you really think we can understand what you’re saying? When you are in the middle of a story and you have to yawn, chances are that your story just isn’t that good. If you can’t keep yourself awake for your own story, what makes you think the audience is truly interested?

                Yawning mid speech is unbelievable. The gibberish that is spewed out by yawn-talkers is indecipherable not only for the listener, but for the speaker. The yawn and talk is just noise, annoying noise. It makes no sense and it wastes time.

                I find this incredibly hard to believe, but it seems as if some people truly think that we can understand what they are saying while they yawn and talk, and they wait for a response afterwards. It is a learned skill not to choke people who expect you to comprehend their yawny gibberish.

                I understand that sometimes you just need to yawn, so just break out into your yawn, say “excuse me” and then continue speaking. Is that so hard? The yawn and talk is unfathomable and unacceptable. Not only is it annoying, it looks and sounds gross. Like a hippopotamus mating call. Nobody wants to hump a hippo.