Remembering that when communication scholars talk about intimacy it is not always sexual, we begin to ask ourselves, “what does intimacy mean?” In any relationship we have, be it work, friendly, sexual, or otherwise, we have a certain level of intimacy. The only people we have a ‘0’ intimacy level with are ‘perfect strangers.’ As trust, disclosure, and dependency increase, so does our intimacy level.
Self disclosure is a purposeful process in which individuals reveal information about themselves. How does this phenomenon actually work though? Does self disclosure come when trust has been established in the relationship? Or does self disclosure build trust? When people self disclose to one another, they tend to like each other more, as long as it is gradual disclosure that reflects their level of closeness, otherwise the relationship can become uncomfortable. And when people like each other, they tend to disclose more. However, if the same information is shared with many people, disclosure loses its power and is less likely to lead to liking. If I told someone about my deepest fears, in hopes that they would reciprocate and tell me theirs, I would be disappointed and probably like them less if the disclosure was not reciprocated.
Self disclosure can be used as a strategy in Social Penetration Theory (or the onion metaphor). The onion metaphor is used to describe social penetration. Our outer layer is the ‘superficial’ layer, what people see; what we wear, how we walk, skin color etc. The next layer is the social layer, this is the layer that most people never get past, it starts with small talk and can get to deeper issues, but the core is where the ultimate disclosure occurs. The core is when in a relationship you feel like you can tell each other anything with no risk. Do you feel like you have a relationship like this with anyone? Don’t feel bad if you don’t, it is very rare to be on this level with anyone, even your life partner.
So how can we ‘penetrate’ or proceed from layer to layer? We have to do whatever we can to increase intimacy. That would include increasing depth, breadth, frequency, duration, and valence of all communication with our ‘subject’, or who we want to increase our intimacy with.
The first stage of relationship development is orientation. This is the social stage that involves revealing small parts of ourselves to others at low levels of depth and breadth. Most disclosures are positive in valence, with one exception: the stranger on the plane. We have all sat next to them, the overly chatty and DISCLOSIVE stranger that wants to tell you who they are flying to San Francisco to divorce and why. If you ARE this person…stop it.
The second stage of relationship development is exploratory affective exchange. This is where we start to see a little less of the superficial small talk, and a little more personality and true self comes out. Breadth and depth are generally increased during this stage, while potential new topics are also explored. This stage may occur on 2nd or 3rd dates, when we keep a positive valence as we are trying to maintain a ‘good impression’.
The next stage is affective exchange, where we are now close friends, or intimate partners, obviously comfortable with each other. Breadth and depth increase significantly in this stage, and we begin to see some negative valence.
The final stage of relationship development is open exchange, in which the people involved have reached complete ‘openness’ with each other. This means complete self disclosure, there is nothing that will remain unsaid, and there is no fear of negative reactions. As I stated above, complete full disclosure is very difficult to obtain and there is nothing wrong with your relationship if you are not on this level.
If you are in a relationship I suggest you read the rest of this blog very carefully, because I am going to tell you why people cheat on the relational partners with either sexual or emotional infidelity…or both. Sexual infidelity occurs when someone engages in sexual activity outside of their committed relationship. Emotional infidelity occurs when someone is emotionally attached to or ‘in love with’ a potential rival. Research argues that satisfaction levels are the leading cause of sexual infidelity, but there are of course other causes such as boredom, excitement, and revenge.
So how do you know if you’re being cheated on? You can find out from a third party or witness the infidelity yourself. Alternatively your partner could tell you either before, or after you ask them. Some cues to look out for are physical signs (they are all of a sudden so worried about how they look), changes in sexual behavior (where did you think they were learning all those new maneuvers?), and an increase or decrease in the amount of sex you are having with your partner. What about emotional infidelity you ask? Your partner will show a loss of love and communicate expressions of dissatisfaction. They will be reluctant to spend time with you. They will be reluctant to speak about other people (in fear that they might accidentally disclose how they feel about them). And they may have negative communication patterns reflecting guilt, anxiety, anger, and rejection.
Romantic jealousy is a reaction to REAL or IMAGINED threats. So just because you think you see a change in your partners behavior doesn’t make it so. When an individual worries that a rival could interfere with the existence or quality of their relationship, they will tend to think they see a lot of the above behaviors even when they don’t. Some communicative responses to jealousy may be; distributive communication, violent communication and violence towards objects, relationship threats, manipulation attempts, active distancing, and surveillance. They might all seem rational at the time, but in my mind they are all grounds for a break up – personally, I don’t want to be followed everywhere I go, especially because of accusations that may or may not be true.
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