So what is love? This is an age old question that people seem to avoid answering. Are we just saving face because we are afraid of being wrong? Do we feel awkward talking about it? Or do we simply just not know the answer? Well, in communication, the word is thrown around by everyone, numerous times every day. People say they love people, and they say they love things (Just like Brick loves ‘lamp’ in the video above), so the first thing communication scholars have done is distinguished loving from liking. Loving and liking are related, but they are qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection, respect, and enjoyable interaction, whereas loving is based on attachment, motivation and a deeper level of caring.
So… What is love!?!? There are several theories in communication which have their own definition of what love is. They all seem to overlap, so I guess if you take bits and pieces from each theory there is a rough definition of what love is.
Lee’s theory of love is easy to compare to how we learn about colors. Just like we have primary colors (red, yellow, blue), we have primary [love] styles (Eros: physical love, Storge: companionate love, Ludus: playful love). And just like the primary colors mix to make secondary colors (green, purple, orange), the primary love styles mix to make secondary styles (Mania: obsessive love, Pragma: realistic love, Agape: altruistic love). I will describe both primary and secondary sorts of love, according to Lee.
Eros is based on physical attraction. People in this sort of love are eager to develop intense, passionate relationships and once the passion dies they are likely to end the relationship. They experience emotional highs and lows, similar to a bi-polar disorder. When the passion is there they are at an enormous high, but when the passion is gone they are at an all-time low. They always desire physical contact; holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc. and they experience high emotional distress when separated from their partner. They have a fast development of intimacy and connection, thus having high levels of self disclosure.
Storge is based on security, task sharing, joint activity, and companionship. Storge is not so much based on excitement like Eros, but on stability and knowing what tomorrow brings. They experience more steady emotions as opposed to the emotional highs and lows of Eros. Storge lovers have a positive emotional connection and a high level of comfort around their significant other, but they do not communicate it. Their love is based on a mutual desire for the same goals.
Ludus relationships are based on fun and playfulness. Often relationships are treated as casual and commitment is avoided. These are the type of people that love the chase, but when they get the girl/guy they become bored and end the relationship. Obviously, these people would place their goals and desires ahead of their relationships, disclose little to no information, and be slow to develop any sort of intimacy.
Now to the secondary styles. Mania is a demanding, dependent, and possessive type of love. They need a high level of control and self disclosure. They need to know what you’re doing, where you are, when you’re coming back, and god forbid you don’t text them back when they ask you any of these questions, the proverbial ‘poop will hit the fan’. In case you couldn’t tell from the earlier part of the Mania description, Mania lovers are highly obsessive and have a high need for contact with their partner. They also experience extreme highs and lows, based on their partner’s actions.
Agape lovers are unselfish, altruistic, and unconditional. They have an intense concern for the other in the relationship and will make personal sacrifices in order to satisfy them. They have high expectations for unconditional love, so if you think your partner is an Agape lover… get rid of them… just kidding, don’t disappoint them.
Pragma love is based on the degree to which the partner needs certain criteria. They are very aware of Social Exchange Theory when they are making decisions. Pragma lovers put intimacy and passion in the back seat to be careful with consideration and time in the relationship.
According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory, love (and the type of love) is made up of three components; commitment (the decision to love and maintain), passion (psychological/physiological arousal), and intimacy (closeness/sharing/support). The presence or absence of one or more of these components determines the type of love that you are in. Here are the different types of love and their combinations of the above components:
- Non-love (none)
- Liking (intimacy)
- Infatuation (passion)
- Empty (commitment)
- Romantic (intimacy and passion)
- Fatuous (passion and intimacy)
- Companionate (commitment and intimacy)
- Consumate (all three)
Davis and Todd’s theory of love examines the differences between love and friendship. This theory assumes that love and friendship share many of the same characteristics, but love has more. Friendship is about enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual assistance, confiding, understanding, and spontaneity. Love shares the above characteristics PLUS passion, fascination, exclusiveness, sexual desire, caring, giving, and advocating.
The issue of intimacy is that whether we are motivated towards love or liking is partly determined by several needs, and as these needs are met, intimacy increases. The needs that need to be met are; affection, self-esteem, security, freedom, and equality. So basically no matter which theory you agree with most, love is always going to be a full time job… that stinks. Just kidding, if your loves style is compatible with your partners, you should have a very enjoyable relationship, but please don’t break up with your partner on account of my blog J
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