Sangria Mouth

Drunk with bloodlust, we can be so quick to bite at our peers.

Our righteous minds allow us to believe we can judge.
As if we’re so perfect.
We bite and draw blood and think we can hide behind a smile.
It’s laughable.
Blood dripping from our fangs and staining our lips, we smile in false innocence.
Like vampires, our darkness drains our victims.
Our foul mouths do damage.
But unlike the Princes of Darkness, the wounds we leave are not visible.
But they’re there, and they’re hard to ignore.
In a whirlwind of darkness our victims bite back and become us.
A downward spiral ensues and we allow darkness to conquer.
Evidence in plain sight as we deny everything with smiles on our faces.
Mouths get redder and redder.
The world gets darker.
But we continue to stand on our pedestal, pointing and judging, biting and bruising.
Blood staining our mouths in our violent tirades.
The intoxication fills us with false righteousness until we self destruct.
It looks like Sangria but doesn’t taste as sweet.
Put your glasses down.

Pet Peeve #36 – Is Something Wrong?

“No.” (Fucking YES)

                What is the point of delaying the fact that you are going to eventually admit that something is wrong and blow off all this steam? Body language tells NO lies. No matter how hard you try to lie, we can all hear the tone in what you’re saying. Soooo yes we know something is wrong, either tell us what it is and we can move forward, or you can get the fuck over it and quit with your attitude. Right? Like what is the point of this?:

                “Are you ok?”
                “Yeah, I’m fine.”
                “Okay, well I can tell you’re not. What’s wrong?”
                “Nothing.”
                “Are you sure? You don’t seem like yourself.”
                “I’M FINE! LEAVE IT ALONE!”
                “ALRIGHT! Sorry.. You hungry?”
                “...I just can’t believe that blah blah blah...”

                Why? Why waste both our time like that? Is there anything to gain? Are you building up the suspense so as to engage me more in the story? Am I going to relate more to the protagonist now when they overcome adversity? Am I going to cry real tears now when they meet their tragedy or triumph? Christ, just get it off your chest and be done with it.

                Of course, there’s always the chance that there really is nothing wrong. There’s nothing that can piss someone off quite like continually being asked what’s wrong when you’re perfectly fine. That borders on an attack on your character. Just sitting there being you and suddenly being interrogated about what your problem is... This is just who I am L

Blissfully Unaware

Love is a powerful emotion. This power is not always positive though. Love has the ability to blind us to the facts. When we stare through those rose-colored glasses, we see what we fell in love with. We put that person on a pedestal and we develop an inability to see past this idealized perception of them. This can be the case with romantic, paternal, or platonic love.

                We have all seen and experienced this countless times. A prime example is sexual infidelity. Someone gets cheated on and a friend informs them. The victim in this circumstance either takes this information on board and confronts their partner, or goes in to instant denial.

                When confronting the partner there are a number of outcomes. The partner admits it, they are either forgiven or the relationship is terminated. The partner denies it and the victim continues to believe their friend and terminates the relationship. Or the partner denies it and the victim believes them. Love blinds them to the fact that this person may be capable of doing the wrong thing whether it is intentional or otherwise. This in turn, can damage the friendship between the victim and the messenger.

                This can happen with things like addiction, whether it be shopping, gambling, drugs, porn, internet, or anything similar. We are often willing to stay in a state of denial to protect the people we love, no matter how damaging it may be to ourselves. We may be doing in subconsciously, but turning this blind eye may not only be hurting us, it may be hurting who we think we are protecting.

                If you think someone you love has a problem and they tell you they don’t, as much as you want to believe them, there’s a reason you thought there was a problem. Blindly accepting their lies will probably not end with a desired outcome. And the lies they tell may not be coming from a malicious place, they may be coming from a place of darkness, shame, and discomfort. There are numbers you can call to get help for people suffering in silence. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Pet Peeve #35 - Don't Sit Here

Picture this: you’re 6’7” and you’re out on a date. You choose the safe option and go to dinner and a movie. Dinner went well, you paid in coupons, got her liquored up, and now she’s getting handsy. You get to the movie. Privacy shouldn’t be an issue because it’s a late show and you chose the movie that’s been out a while. Solid strategy, you should feel proud. But wait. Three trailers in, you’re getting comfortable, you’ve put your feet up on the back of the seat in front of you, her hand is moving North of your kneecap and BOOM! Some middle aged dude that smells strange comes in with his girlfriend who is dressed like Phoebe from Friends. That’s cool, wait for them to sit down in one of the other 148 seats and that hand might keep sliding up further. NOPE. Old dude asks you to put your feet down so they can sit right in front of you.

              

  “Thanks, mate.” he mutters smugly.

                Two options: lose control at this clown and inform him at high volume both verbally and physically that there are an embarrassingly large amount of seats outside of your personal space. Or sit in your seat, behind this disturbingly eccentric couple, stewing in your own madness for 96 minutes, so mad in fact that you pay no attention to the film, just to the fact that the hand that was steadily rising up your thigh now just has a tight grip on your hand and you have to eat popcorn left-handed and now you have butterbeard.

                CAUTION: THESE PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU IN WAITING ROOMS AND ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND THEY WILL BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF INSANE – TO AVOID THIS TOMFOOLERY, BE THE MOST EXTREME PSYCHO IN THE ROOM AT ALL TIMES.

The Wind Up

“Remember when we used to blah blah blah together? I miss that.”

                

Oh jeez. What an inspiration. The Caitlyn Jenner level of courage it must take to send that text after not talking for several years and ending on bad terms. What actually goes through one’s mind to put this into the air? At what point do you think to yourself, “Yep. Sending this text is a good idea. It’s not creepy or weird or inappropriate at all.”

                

What good can come from that? Do you expect the reader to just respond with some fairytale shit like, “Yeah, I remember. I miss it. I miss you. We deserve another chance together. We owe it to ourselves.” Please. Best case scenario is that you get ignored and you get a chance to pretend that you never sent that message. Worst case is you get a response out of pity. Oh Lord...

                

“I do remember that [insert name here]. But that was a long time ago. I’m with someone else now and I’m happy.” That’s not what you wanted to hear, is it? So now you’re going to act out, call the reader names, call their partner names, tell them your text was a joke to begin with, just generally start acting like a tired child. What are you doing? How bored are you that you choose to instigate this type of drama AGAINST YOURSELF to get the minutes ticking over?

                
If I give you the benefit of the doubt, however, I may be able to find a slight speck of genius hidden in your actions. Maybe you too are in a new relationship. You’ve found someone, you’re pretty happy, but the passion isn’t there. You are a little bored. You would start a fight, but they’ve done nothing wrong. Light bulb – I’ll start a fight with my ex and get it all out of my system. Get my excitement fix. My taste of drama. Kudos on your diabolical relationship management skills and/or blind act of foolish courage. You are hilarious and I am starting to write a sitcom in which the main character is based on you. Now.

Pet Peeve #34 – My Bubble

                Spatial awareness. Is this something we are born with but some choose to ignore? Is it something we develop at different speeds? Do some people have a lower ceiling when it comes to spatial awareness? It’s a growing epidemic and something needs to be done!

                I’m 6’7” with a relatively solid frame. I KNOW YOU SEE ME! People choose to ignore other people coming towards them. Is this how self centred we are as a society? We all just think, “Oh they’ll move, it’s not like they’re going to want to bump into me.” If I did choose to be like these obnoxious assholes I feel like I could do some damage. However, I’m pretty nimble for my size and I regularly have to break out some fancy footwork just to go grocery shopping. I’m going to put on some classes at the Y on Tuesdays and Thursdays to help some of you fools out. Here’s what you can expect:

                I see myself in the mirror every day. I have real conversations with people. I’m 98% sure that I’m not a ghost. This eternal game of chicken must come to an end! See you on Tuesday to work on your feet.

The Search

            “Clay, why don’t you ever write anymore? You should bring your blog back, that shit was hilarious!”

           Yeah, I could continue writing about my pet peeves and going on mildly sexist rants about relationships, and I might – give the people what they want, right? But what my writing has been missing is something that I feel that I myself have been missing; substance.

            My basketball journey has been long. It has been hard work. It has taken hours of dedication and sacrifice. It has taken its toll on me both physically and mentally. It has taken over my identity, and finally I’m starting to build myself into Claybrin McMath the person, rather than Claybrin McMath the basketball player.

            Now don’t get it twisted – I still love the game and I’m not ready to give up on my dream, I’m just ready to talk about how my mindset has changed from a bright-eyed 13 year old, to my 25 year old present self.

            I was born with a ball in my hand, taking after Dad from the jump. I had dreams of the NBA! Until I was 13 I was hesitant to play club basketball. A shy kid that got bullied in school, the thought of having to meet new people gave me anxiety. But eventually I realized that I wasn’t going to get any better if I didn’t join a more structured program, so I joined the Sturt Sabres. The coaches there developed my game quickly, my teammates were accepting, and we were successful. My love and appreciation of the game blossomed. All I watched was basketball. When it was nice out, I would shoot hoops. When it was raining, I would shoot hoops. I would only play basketball video games. Basketball consumed me. It was my first love.

            Basketball gave me an education, it took me to five different countries, I have met amazing people, and experienced some things that a lot of people will never have the chance to appreciate. Although while I was experiencing all of those incredible things; my identity became a sport. I was inspired by and obsessed with basketball. Basketball was who I had become.

            It was only recently that I realized that the identity I developed through basketball had taken over everything else that I was. That I am. I am so invested in this game, it dictates my decisions, my actions, my thoughts, my dreams, my relationships, my emotions, my entire life. Is it everything to become a pro? Something I never actively asked myself until the beginning of this year. The answer is no, but it is still a goal I wish to achieve. I still have a burning desire to be the best I can be. I still have the untamable will to compete. I still have the love and the passion that I was born with. But I have experienced some new things too; disappointment, adversity, and resentment.

            I have gone through losing seasons that I had only ever heard or read about. I have performed poorly. I have gone through a number of injuries and comebacks. I have missed out on making teams. I have sat on the bench for entire games. But it was my love for the game that always brought me back to practice the next day, or even that same night.

            I have given the game everything and I have sacrificed so much, that there are times that I feel like the games not giving back. This is where my resentment of the game comes in. I had never felt anything like it until I had a second tough year in college. I felt like I gave everything I had to this game and was getting nothing in return, “You’re getting a free education.” I would remind myself. But it wasn’t free; it had cost me my pride and happiness at that point. I was mad at basketball for taking that from me, but I was madder at myself for giving it away. And now? Now I’m ashamed of myself for being ungrateful for the chance I was even given, and for not allowing myself to be more than a sport for twenty-five years.

            Now that college is over and money is involved, I place that little extra bit of pressure on myself. Allowing that external incentive to become internal impacted my performance negatively, quickly and noticeably. When this happened for a few games in a row, I became stressed and began to really think about what I do and where it really sits in the big scheme of things. I get paid to do what I love! Whether I get another contract or not for the next season is not a factor. Right now, today, that is what I do and I’m grateful for that. Once I de-stressed, took a step back and looked at my situation from the outside, I noticed a lot more about myself. Other passions of mine started to become more important. At the age of twenty-five my personality developed through the athletic ceiling I had previously placed upon it.

            Once I came to the realization that I was seeing the game as a business more than I was seeing it as a passion, I had to make a change. I changed how I viewed myself, and how I viewed the game. I changed how I viewed my experiences and my capabilities. I changed how I viewed my past, present, and future. And by looking at all of this differently – I learned who Claybrin McMath really is.