Picture this: you’re 6’7” and you’re out on a date. You
choose the safe option and go to dinner and a movie. Dinner went well, you paid
in coupons, got her liquored up, and now she’s getting handsy. You get to the
movie. Privacy shouldn’t be an issue because it’s a late show and you chose the
movie that’s been out a while. Solid strategy, you should feel proud. But wait.
Three trailers in, you’re getting comfortable, you’ve put your feet up on the
back of the seat in front of you, her hand is moving North of your kneecap and
BOOM! Some middle aged dude that smells strange comes in with his girlfriend
who is dressed like Phoebe from Friends. That’s cool, wait for them to sit down
in one of the other 148 seats and that hand might keep sliding up further.
NOPE. Old dude asks you to put your feet down so they can sit right in front of
you.
“Thanks,
mate.” he mutters smugly.
Two
options: lose control at this clown and inform him at high volume both verbally
and physically that there are an embarrassingly large amount of seats outside
of your personal space. Or sit in your seat, behind this disturbingly eccentric
couple, stewing in your own madness for 96 minutes, so mad in fact that you pay
no attention to the film, just to the fact that the hand that was steadily
rising up your thigh now just has a tight grip on your hand and you have to eat
popcorn left-handed and now you have butterbeard.
CAUTION:
THESE PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU IN WAITING ROOMS AND ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND THEY WILL
BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF INSANE – TO AVOID THIS TOMFOOLERY, BE THE MOST EXTREME
PSYCHO IN THE ROOM AT ALL TIMES.
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