Interpersonal Violence

Abusive relationships are world-wide. 1 in 3 women have been victim to emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. To put this in to perspective; approximately 1 woman is battered every 15-18 seconds and 1 woman is raped every 19 seconds. These numbers are astonishing, especially to people in my age group (college students), as we think things like this are not going on around us, but the truth is that we are the most likely to experience abuse. I am going to expose numerous myths and beliefs in todays, deeper, darker blog.

It is a common belief that interpersonal violence is rare and new. However, compared to 50 years ago, it may seem like abuse rates have raised, but this is misleading. It is now a law to report to the authorities when you think there is reason to believe you know someone is a victim of domestic violence. This includes school teachers who think children are being abused at home, and first in charge at the workplace when they believe a woman (or man) who works for them is a victim. With more reports like this in the last half-century, obviously statistics will look like there is more violence now than ever, but in reality there is the same amount of violence, but with more awareness.

People often hang on to the perception that child abuse is confined to ‘sick’ people. Realistically only 10% of child abusers are mentally unstable. As a society we distance ourselves from abuse because we are not sick, and most of the people we know are not sick. But as I said above, we are the most likely candidates for abusive relationships.

Contrary to popular belief, abusive relationships are not confined to lower socioeconomic classes. It is more prevalent in the lower classes, but it is still very existent in the upper class. Violence is a primary reason for divorce 40% of the time in low class relationships and 25% of the time in upper class relationships. People who live in upper class situations often live in houses that are very separate from their neighbors, thus they cannot be heard when having a domestic dispute and it is not reported. Conversely, people in lower class situations often live in apartments close to one another, where any loud or abusive behavior is heard, witnessed, and reported.

It is frequently believed that abuse cannot be predicted. This is not true; there are several traits that most abusers share. People who abuse tend to be immature, depressed, have a family with a closed structure (isolated from the community), live in highly stressful situations with low tolerance, have low self esteem, have been brought up in domestic violence situations, often unemployed (cannot get job/lost job), unmarried to whom they abuse, a different religion, and it is usually the mother who is more likely to abuse the child. The last fact here is interesting because most people would assume otherwise. The mother is usually the abuser because the baby reminds them of a hated male in their life (their father/baby’s father), or simply because they are around the child more in stressful situations due to the male being at work or otherwise. People often think that love and violence do not co-exist, but these women most of the time do love their babies. Love and violence actually co-exist tremendously.

“Why doesn’t he/she just leave the relationship?” Because it is not as easy to believe as people think. Victims are often unable to leave because of financial reasons, they have been isolated from family and friends by their abuser, they are made to feel like no-one else wants them by their abusers, and they often fear that they will be killed if they leave their abusers.

Media is a common perpetrator for making us believe that drugs and alcohol cause abuse. Drugs and alcohol are involved in a certain percentage of abuses, but it is not the sole cause. I don’t just go around slapping women every time I drink, and I hope that you don’t either. People who abuse their partners while under the influence are often also influenced by other factors.

If you are a victim of abuse and you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to, you do.

888-743-5754

You do not deserve to be a victim. And if you are, it does not have to go on. Make the call and get all the support you can.

The Break Up

            Relationship termination is always interesting, how do we let our partner go painlessly with no hard feelings? Whether you have heard them on television, in movies, or in real life – break up lines can be just as corny and cliché as pick-up lines: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “Let’s just be friends.” “I think we should see other people.” “We need a break.” Do these sound familiar to you? If you have ever experienced any of these first-hand, you will know that the person initiating the break up is not as slick as he/she thinks. Even we can ‘still be friends,’ that is never the case. Now I’m going to tell you a little something about break-ups.

            Regardless of demographics, most relationships tend to break up in similar ways. Often the reason we give for a break up is not the actual reason we are breaking up with that person. This may be because we are trying to preserve their positive face. 66% of heterosexual relationships are ended by the female, and these break ups are more likely to be based on situational factors rather than personal factors. Break ups do not only happen in romantic relationships, but in friendships too. Atrophy (diminished use of friendship) is the most common cause of relational termination in friendships. I remember leaving elementary school to go to high school. I met so many new people and so did my best friends. I am still friends with my friends from elementary school, but I do not talk to them anywhere near as much as I talk to my high school friends, and conversational content is most often superficial. SO many people come into college in a relationship, and about half of these peoples’ partners’ do not go to the same school.  Sadly, 46% of these relationships are terminated in the first year. In gay and lesbian relationships, absence is the leading cause in break ups.

            The primary cause of relationship termination is poor communication. This can mean several things: excessive communication, infrequent communication, negative communication, low quality communication, and inequitable communication. Excessive obviously translates into constant communication. Some people, myself included, do not want to be texting, giving constant updates of where I am, why I’m there, what I’m doing, who I’m with, and how I got there. Why do you think I don’t have a Twitter account?.. Yet… Infrequent communication is obviously a lack of communication – “We never talk, so why bother with this relationship?” Negative communication is extremely energy draining. We have all experienced that person who hates absolutely everything. It’s boring inside, but they don’t want to go outside because it’s too hot. They hate cooking, but eating out is too expensive. There are no good movies showing, but they’re over all the DVD’s we own – please tell me you hate me too because WE’RE DONE! Low quality communication is when it takes effort just to continue with small talk even though you are past that point in your relationship. Inequitable communication is when one person is getting more power in conversations, saying more, disregarding what you say, and forcing you to listen at what may be an inopportune time for you – you can do this if you want, but I probably won’t be listening and you’ll terminate the relationship on account of that, saving me the trouble.

            Although we seem to enjoy making up reasons for break ups, here are the legitimate top 5 reasons: we may be dissatisfied with our partner, disillusioned with the relationship, we may have difficulties with the other individuals characteristics, we may have problems with others in the relationship network (in-laws, friends), and we may not have the ability to deal with the strains imposed by external circumstances (losing jobs, injuries, moving house). When we make up excuses for break ups rather than just stating one of the above, we have made a decision to use an indirect strategy rather than a direct strategy. Indirect would be saying something like, “I really like you and maybe if we had met in a few more years this could have worked, but I have a lot on my plate right now.” Now that may be a complete lie, but the real reason might be so brutal that we had to soften it up (to save face) instead of taking the direct approach, “I hate your family, we’re done.” Direct vs. indirect is not the only tactic in breaking up. Break-ups can be unilateral (one person) or bilateral (mutual). Most break ups are unilateral and direct, but our friends like to tell us that “it was mutual,” while tears are still running down their cheeks and their words are fooling no one but themselves. This unilateral and indirect approach, however, is not as effective as desired, with only 22% of people knowing that they have been broken up with after an indirect break up. This classic video says it all.

            Brilliant.

Commitment

            So what is commitment? In communication it is a reliance or dedication to any given relationship. As I have stated in previous blogs, intimacy of relationships depend on attraction, identity needs, and history or environment. We all have countless relationships, but how committed are we to them?

            We have three choices: we can want to be committed, have to be committed, or ought to be committed. Obviously wanting to be committed is self explanatory. When you have to be committed, you are more or less put in a position of guilt, like when parents stay together for the sake of their children, but when they finally go off to college, the parents get a divorce. When you think you ought to be committed, it is usually because you think it is expected of you. Maybe your friends and family would be disappointed if you were not committed anymore.

            When we are committed, there are six main dimensions that measure the strength of our commitment, they are as follows. We may perceive a rewarding future with this relationship (can anybody say gold-digger?). We may identify with the relationship. We may perceive fewer attractive alternatives. We may share a mutual willingness to exert an effort for the relationship. We may have no issues with investing time in the relationship. And finally, we may accept responsibility for the relationship commitment.

            Obviously commitment is a dyadic process (involves two people). Each person in the relationship can impact the commitment level and commitment perception of the other in the relationship. Clearly commitment must be communicated; otherwise betrayal would be all too common in relationships. Who starts this communication? Speaking about romantic relationships in the college student demographic, I would assume that females would have to initiate a conversation about commitment. After discussing this with peers of both sexes I found out that my assumption was correct. Females are generally worried about their relational partners straying to competing females. Males are generally worried about how they will be able to stray to competing females if they commit! When commitment is communicated, the main concern is reciprocation – does the other commit back? Other than simply stating our commitment and having to worry about reciprocation, pseudo-reciprocation, or refutation; there are many other ways in which we can show our commitment. We can show affection, provide support, maintain integrity (respect the relationship), share companionship, make a noticeable effort to communicate, share respect, create relational futures (anniversaries etc.), create a positive relationship atmosphere, and work together on relational problems.

            Now, personally I have a lot of platonic friendships with females, consequently I have encountered a recurring, distressing question, “How do I know he means it when he says he loves me?” *whiny voice* Well here is your answer ladies – and pay attention guys so you can learn to communicate your commitment as well as I do… We mean it if we communicate our commitment over and over, talk about future relationship rewards, make public statements of our commitment to the relationship (Facebook official), make permanent statements of our commitment (in writing), do things that show significant effort, or if we initiate the communication of our commitment just as often as we respond to it. Eventually you will become one of those disgusting couples who show public displays of affection, talk like babies to one another, and have cute (repulsive) nicknames for each other.

            Once you are in a committed relationship, you are able to milk it for all its worth! This is because commitment impacts persuasion! When we are in a committed relationship there are six things that are most common to try to persuade about; partner’s health advice, partner’s lifestyle advice, change in relationship, change in partner’s political stance, activity sharing, and help. As commitment increases, persuasion style changes from asking → demanding → threatening, and consequently, the more committed we become, the more pressure we feel to accommodate our partners requests.

            Everything to do with commitment is fairly simple and self explanatory, but something that we do not think about often, which is why I thought it would be interesting to share. Some aspects of commitment seem shallow (Social Exchangesque) but I’m going to assume that MOST people want to be committed rather than have, or ought to!

The Onion Metaphor

Remembering that when communication scholars talk about intimacy it is not always sexual, we begin to ask ourselves, “what does intimacy mean?” In any relationship we have, be it work, friendly, sexual, or otherwise, we have a certain level of intimacy. The only people we have a ‘0’ intimacy level with are ‘perfect strangers.’ As trust, disclosure, and dependency increase, so does our intimacy level.

Self disclosure is a purposeful process in which individuals reveal information about themselves. How does this phenomenon actually work though? Does self disclosure come when trust has been established in the relationship? Or does self disclosure build trust? When people self disclose to one another, they tend to like each other more, as long as it is gradual disclosure that reflects their level of closeness, otherwise the relationship can become uncomfortable. And when people like each other, they tend to disclose more. However, if the same information is shared with many people, disclosure loses its power and is less likely to lead to liking. If I told someone about my deepest fears, in hopes that they would reciprocate and tell me theirs, I would be disappointed and probably like them less if the disclosure was not reciprocated.

Self disclosure can be used as a strategy in Social Penetration Theory (or the onion metaphor). The onion metaphor is used to describe social penetration. Our outer layer is the ‘superficial’ layer, what people see; what we wear, how we walk, skin color etc. The next layer is the social layer, this is the layer that most people never get past, it starts with small talk and can get to deeper issues, but the core is where the ultimate disclosure occurs. The core is when in a relationship you feel like you can tell each other anything with no risk. Do you feel like you have a relationship like this with anyone? Don’t feel bad if you don’t, it is very rare to be on this level with anyone, even your life partner.



So how can we ‘penetrate’ or proceed from layer to layer? We have to do whatever we can to increase intimacy. That would include increasing depth, breadth, frequency, duration, and valence of all communication with our ‘subject’, or who we want to increase our intimacy with.

The first stage of relationship development is orientation. This is the social stage that involves revealing small parts of ourselves to others at low levels of depth and breadth. Most disclosures are positive in valence, with one exception: the stranger on the plane. We have all sat next to them, the overly chatty and DISCLOSIVE stranger that wants to tell you who they are flying to San Francisco to divorce and why. If you ARE this person…stop it.

The second stage of relationship development is exploratory affective exchange. This is where we start to see a little less of the superficial small talk, and a little more personality and true self comes out. Breadth and depth are generally increased during this stage, while potential new topics are also explored. This stage may occur on 2nd or 3rd dates, when we keep a positive valence as we are trying to maintain a ‘good impression’.

The next stage is affective exchange, where we are now close friends, or intimate partners, obviously comfortable with each other. Breadth and depth increase significantly in this stage, and we begin to see some negative valence.

The final stage of relationship development is open exchange, in which the people involved have reached complete ‘openness’ with each other. This means complete self disclosure, there is nothing that will remain unsaid, and there is no fear of negative reactions. As I stated above, complete full disclosure is very difficult to obtain and there is nothing wrong with your relationship if you are not on this level.

If you are in a relationship I suggest you read the rest of this blog very carefully, because I am going to tell you why people cheat on the relational partners with either sexual or emotional infidelity…or both. Sexual infidelity occurs when someone engages in sexual activity outside of their committed relationship. Emotional infidelity occurs when someone is emotionally attached to or ‘in love with’ a potential rival. Research argues that satisfaction levels are the leading cause of sexual infidelity, but there are of course other causes such as boredom, excitement, and revenge.

So how do you know if you’re being cheated on? You can find out from a third party or witness the infidelity yourself. Alternatively your partner could tell you either before, or after you ask them. Some cues to look out for are physical signs (they are all of a sudden so worried about how they look), changes in sexual behavior (where did you think they were learning all those new maneuvers?), and an increase or decrease in the amount of sex you are having with your partner. What about emotional infidelity you ask? Your partner will show a loss of love and communicate expressions of dissatisfaction. They will be reluctant to spend time with you. They will be reluctant to speak about other people (in fear that they might accidentally disclose how they feel about them). And they may have negative communication patterns reflecting guilt, anxiety, anger, and rejection.

Romantic jealousy is a reaction to REAL or IMAGINED threats. So just because you think you see a change in your partners behavior doesn’t make it so. When an individual worries that a rival could interfere with the existence or quality of their relationship, they will tend to think they see a lot of the above behaviors even when they don’t. Some communicative responses to jealousy may be; distributive communication, violent communication and violence towards objects, relationship threats, manipulation attempts, active distancing, and surveillance. They might all seem rational at the time, but in my mind they are all grounds for a break up – personally, I don’t want to be followed everywhere I go, especially because of accusations that may or may not be true.