Pet Peeve #26 – The Artful Dodger

                Farting is not as embarrassing as people make it out to be, so when you pass gas, why act like you don’t know who did it. Just claim it so we can tell you how much you stink and then move on.

                An unclaimed fart is like a crop circle – everyone wants to know (or believe they know) where it came from, but no one will ever know for sure. Men are starting to get better at admitting it was them, almost to a point of abnormal pride in their wind output. Women, on the other hand, still try to convince us that they don’t poop or fart – one of the great fabrications of our generation.

                The thing about this that bugs me is that I know when you are lying about dropping your guts. Whoever farted always smells it before everyone. A look of extreme panic takes control of their face as they wonder, “Can anyone else smell this? Am I going to get caught?” Often they will go with the strategy of smelling it first and pointing fingers at others. Otherwise they may sit back and act like they don’t smell it and when someone else smells it they will agree and act like it is the grossest thing ever. Either way, if you are always in the group that smells a fart, and you are consistently the one pleading with the group to believe you are innocent, the judge rules: guilty.

                How can we fix this problem? Common sense would suggest that I don’t need to explain this, but for all the dimwitted fools, I will make it clear. There are a number of options: 1 – don’t fart in a group of people, move to a toilet or an outdoor area to avoid embarrassment if that is something you can’t handle, 2 – admit you farted, laugh along at the jokes, and let the night continue fart free.

Daddy's Little Girl

Girls with daddy issues are not fit for relationships. Not until they have had extensive therapy. Girls with daddy’s who neglected them and just bought them nice things and thought they were being a good male figure in their daughter’s life wind up searching for attention from men elsewhere in their lives: in the bedroom. And I’m not talking about one sexual partner. I’m talking about different men walking in and out of that room like it’s a sports bar. On 50 cent wing night. And dollar draughts. Door swinging like an olde Texas saloon.

                Obviously we cannot choose who our fathers are, so there is no disrespect meant from this, however, a father figure is very important in the life of a little girl and without one, or with an inadequate one, damage is done. A bad father, abusive father, or absentee father can cause a girl to search for compassion, affection, and attention from other men in their lives – by sleeping with them. As men, we take it upon ourselves to satisfy and/or disappoint the needs of these women by sleeping with them and using them as our sexual playthings.

                This sexual disrespect can also lead to more whorish behavior. The more disrespect these women are shown by men, the more they search for a man who will treat them with the respect that they truly deserve. However, the more they search, the more they fail, and so the cycle continues. These women are a gift from men, to men. A sickening sequence of disrespect and a seemingly endless search for gratification has the potential to result in a long 20-25 years of promiscuity wherein lies a guaranteed development of a sense of self loathing as well as the resentment of the entire male community (most of whom have been encouraging this vicious cycle).

                Conclusively, if you’ve ever had a girl sleep with you without hesitation and you did know why it was so easy – thank her father and the dozens of men who have sexually and emotionally disappointed her for the majority of her life.