Have you ever thought that you’ve developed a relationship more quickly than usual? Or conversely, no matter how hard you’ve tried, been unable to progress a relationship to the next level? Sometimes I’ve found myself bouncing up and down in a relationship (friendship or otherwise), not knowing how to steady or stay in one direction. This week I found out why.
Mark L. Knapp and Anita L. Vangelisti developed the “Staircase Model,” a theory used in relationship development. The title of this theory is rather accommodating, as it discusses why we may or may not feel like we are going up and down steps in our relationships. Whether we want to bond or terminate a relationship, there are steps we take, whether consciously or subconsciously, to do so.
When two people are “coming together” in a relationship, there is an initiating stage, stage 1. This is where we have our initial encounters and we begin to develop greeting rituals. In my opinion, these greeting rituals are somewhat superficial. Obviously we have not begun to disclose any information to these strangers, so the question, “Hey, how are you?” is nearly always followed with, “Good thanks, yourself!” This is due to the fact that this exact conversation is hard wired into our brains, so we can greet someone without the need to make small talk, but we still seem civil and polite. If a stranger asked me how I was, I would not proceed to tell them how terrible the last few weeks of my life have been, “Good thanks,” will do until I get to know you. Stage 2 is the experimenting stage, where small talk is introduced and we discover our similarities and differences. This is where we figure out whether or not we want to pursue this relationship. Since I have moved to the US, I have realized (only after studying communication) that in comparison to the amount of people I meet, I rarely make it past this stage. I think that may be attributed to the rewards and costs involved in Social Exchange Theory, but I will discuss that later. Stage 3, the intensifying stage is where we start to get comfortable in this new relationship and in-depth disclosure and emotional expression occurs. Due to the comfort, we are able to create nicknames for each other and make casual verbal statements of commitment. This is where things can get awkward, because if one person gets to this stage before you, you may not be ready for the romantic dinner for two at the most expensive restaurant in town. Stage 4 is the integrating stage, obviously if you use your common sense; this is when everything starts to combine. Social networks merge, along with attitudes and preferences, and you may become one of those annoying couples that finish each other’s sentences. Along with all of that, people outside of the dyad begin to put a label on your relationship; it could be “boyfriend and girlfriend,” “BFF,” or any other variation. The final stage in “coming together” is stage 5, my favorite stage, bonding. This is when relationships become institutionalized or official. Couples may become “Facebook official” or get married. If one gets invited to a party, it is naturally assumed that they will both be attending. And, finally, significant barriers to breakup are erected, meaning that both parties in the relationship have an agreement on what is acceptable and what is not. For example, a best friend may breach your trust by telling someone else something you told them in confidence, or a boyfriend/girlfriend may cheat on you, both of which are ground for break up. You may be wondering why this stage is my favorite, it is not because I agree with it or enjoy going through this part of a relationship. It is because the term “stage five clinger” was used in the film Wedding Crashers and it was hilarious. This would obviously translate to someone who got stuck on stage 5, or a “stage five bonder” according to Knapp and Vangelisti.
Now, “coming apart” is essentially the opposite of “coming together. Stage 1 is the differentiating stage; its function is to maintain individual identity and autonomy, basically the opposite of integrating. Stage 2 is circumscribing, its purpose is to avoid in depth disclosure, but it is similar to experimenting, because you are still communicating more than you would in stage one, but you are not specific in anything you say and you are careful not to disclose much about yourself. Stage 3 is stagnating; its goal is to achieve psychological separating. This is when communication comes to a complete standstill. Stage 4 is avoiding, which is obviously to achieve physical separation, this can be done when you are trying to break up with someone, or if you fear someone is trying to break up with you. The final stage is the terminating stage. Its job is to break up while minimizing negative affect and negative consequences. This is where we often hear the cliché break up lines: “it’s not you, it’s me,” “let’s just be friends,” or “we should have a break.”
Now back to Social Exchange Theory. This theory states that we are constantly exchanging resources in relationships (resources are rewards or costs) and people naturally attempt to maximize rewards. I think that the reason why I rarely get past stage 2 of “coming together” with new people is that I may be quick to judge people on what they offer me as a reward (loyalty, humor, trust, money, a car, etc.) or a cost (betrayal, conflict, stress, clinginess, etc.). It sounds shallow and jerky, but ask yourself this question: why are you in the relationships you’re in, and why have you terminated others?
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