No matter where you are in the world, no matter who you are
or who you know, no matter who you sleep with – you will leave a trail. Six
degrees of separation is an interesting and dangerous concept and it seems to
apply even more when you are hooking up with more than one girl at once. Let me
explain:
You are
at a party, single, dancing with a PYT. She’s obviously feeling you so you
invite her back to your place. She readily accepts – you know what happens.
During the week you get a text from a different girl asking if you want to hang
out. Still single, you stupidly think to yourself, “Cool, must be my week,” and
you accept. You go get a bite to eat and invite her back to your place. In
desperate need of validation, she accepts – you know what happens. Later in the
week you go on the date that you have had set up for a couple of weeks. A nice
dinner, a movie, and a lighthearted (secretly super competitive) round of mini
golf and she is eating out of your hand (pants). After some exciting and
illegal public fellatio you brag to your friends the next morning at breakfast.
But wait – the waitress is hot and flirtatious. Since you are having such a hot
week your friends eagerly allow you to take it from here. After her shift you
give it to her in her car in the parking lot. After being exhausted from a long
week of being “The Man” you are content with chilling for the next few days. On
this vacation you continue to text these girls, all of whom are very excited
about the new incredibly charming man they have in their life. Enter: drama.
The
girl from the party went back home after a good night of lovin’ and told her
housemate about the incredible guy she just met. The housemate, who has a
disturbingly close (borderline incestuous) relationship with her brother, tells
her brother how happy she is for her housemate. Her brother, while on his break
at the restaurant shares a cigarette with his co-worker and casually mentions
his sister’s roommate’s new man. The air-headed waitress has still not caught
on. Since her car is getting detailed after the mess you left in it, her friend
has to pick her up from work. “What happened to your car?” her friend asks. The
waitress giggles and tells her about the stud she met on the morning shift a
few days earlier. In shock, the friend laughs and playfully calls the waitress
a slut, proceeding to tell her about her date the night before her friend was
slain in the parking lot. They are both sluts.
“Why have
none of them stated his name?” you ask. I answer your question with another question,
what happened to the girl who texted you to hang out? Enter: the twist.
The
girls, while laughing, hear something interesting on the radio and begin to
calm down so they can listen. The DJ is talking about something personal, on
the same topic the girls have just been discussing. She describes how she
texted a guy she thought was cute purely because she wanted a little action,
but he was so charming that somehow she managed to catch feelings. Since she
had an emotional tie to this man she felt like she had no problem saying his
name on air. She says your name.
The
girls in the car go quiet. They look at each other. “What’s wrong?” they say in
unison. “That’s my guy’s name..” they also say simultaneously. The waitress
wants to take a detour past her co-workers house. He takes them to his sister’s
place to talk to her roommate. They tell the roommate what has happened and the
roommate starts crying uncontrollably – The DJ is her sister. They call the
sister and put her on speaker to inform her on the situation. Livid, they all
textually abuse you. Your phone is going so crazy that the girl lying next to
you breathing ever so heavily asks what is going on. You pause, so she knows
you are about to lie and snatches your phone right out of your hands. She does
not seem to like what she is reading – since she is already back fully clothed.
“Damn.” You say out loud. “Damn is right. Cindy (the waitress) is my daughter.”
Your
name is spread throughout town – as a king among men, and a womanizer among
women. Enter: free beers for a week and a cold streak for eight months.
The
lesson? Free beers taste much better than the ones you pay for.
