A Few Things About Break-Ups

Breaking up is the termination of a relationship. It can be smooth or it can be a disaster. It can be public or private. It can be loud or quiet. It can be expected or unexpected, but one thing is for sure, we can learn from each and every break-up we experience, whether it’s firsthand experience or second. Here are a few things I have learned and would like to learn about.

                The first breakup never sticks. All relationships have their ups and downs and once we fall out of the “honeymoon period” and have the first extended period of negativity, we tend to exaggerate the extent to which the negativity has reached. This may inspire a breakup. We have all witnessed the first breakup. It is always called the first breakup because it is never the last breakup. The first breakup is almost like an empty threat. Or exactly like an empty threat. It means absolutely nothing. Everyone knows you are getting back together. Sometimes it is so short-lived that no one even knows there was a first break-up because the “final” fight didn’t even make it out the door and the making up had already began. Friends never say the way they truly feel after the first breakup because there is always a relational resurrection. Once we are sure the breakup is final, “She’s a bitch anyway!” comes out. We don’t say this after the first breakup because when you fall back in love with her you will snitch to her and start drama and resent us for it like a little schoolboy bitch - so we bite our tongues. The first breakup never sticks.

                Is it ever okay not to break up face to face? I mean, if you’ve only been on a few dates and you just can’t seem to find a connection, can you just make a phone call? Is there a certain number of dates which marks the face to face breakup threshold? I think the number should be five, maybe even six. Does sex play a part in the face to face break up? If she puts out on the first night I think the sex can be ignored, but if you had to work for it she probably really ended up liking you and deserves the face to face break up. What is so respectful about the face to face breakup anyway? Why would anyone want someone watching their heart break? It’s not a spectator sport; it’s not in the Olympics. There is no joy for either party in the face to face break up, so what makes it so important? I think I would like to be broken up with over text. That way she can’t see my disappointment, sadness, or anger. She can’t hear my voice tremble over the phone. And when I go blind with rage there is no threat of violence. The text break up sounds like the best idea to me. Proposals. Proposals should be face to face.

                Is the preemptive breakup a good idea? If you fear that your girl is going to break up with you, do you try and break up with her first? I think that you can only win in this situation (assuming that you know for a fact that she is going to break up with you). If you break up with her first you avoid needing to explain yourself to family and friends. Also, maybe if by chance this girl is a MESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS, maybe the threat of a breakup will knock her down a few pegs and she will end up doing whatever she can for your approval. ACHTUNG – The old flipperoo is an EXTREME best case scenario.

                How do you break up with a friend? If you have just had enough of a friend and you are on the verge of killing them, what do you do? Is it the same as a break up? Do you hit them with the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or do you simply tell them you think you should have a break? Do friends deserve a face to face break up? What if they cry? Do we go back on our word and say we still want to be friends? Nope! It doesn’t matter because the best way to break up is over text, remember? And the only way you can see them cry is if they send you a :’( which doesn’t make you feel half as bad!

Pet Peeve #11 – Obnoxious Night Walking

No matter where you are in the world, how new the place is that you’re staying at –at night time it is noisy. When people are trying to sleep and the house is quiet, sound is amplified by, I don’t know – a million.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

                I don’t care if it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanza, Independence Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Australia Day, The Queen’s Birthday, Kentucky Derby, or NBA Finals – there is always something stirring at night, making enough noise to drown out a Snoop Dogg concert.

                It is almost always for a midnight tinkle, sometimes a midnight snack, but people get up in the middle of the night far too often. It doesn’t matter how you move, you will make noise. You are not a ninja. When you walk it sounds like someone has the Jungle Book playing at full blast on the scene when the elephants parade. I don’t know where this misconception of silence at nights comes from, it is damn near impossible to walk through the house without making a sound. Clomping your feet so care free like there is no one else in the house, and then getting upset when other people make noise. Try to go to the toilet right before you go to bed. I thought this was something we learned so we would stop wetting the bed – early.

                If you think you can still get up and do everyone a favor by tip-toeing, you’re wrong. Everywhere you step is a squeaky floorboard. If you have somehow eradicated your house of the squeaky floorboard, someone has left something on the floor, and when you step on it with all of your body weight on the ball of your foot – you will scream, I promise you.

                If you have a door to open at your desired location, it will squeak. My guess is that there are a ton of doors between you and your destination. Bedroom door, toilet door, kitchen door, fridge door, so many doors, so many opportunities for a squeak or a slam. Oh you didn’t slam the door? In the middle of the night, when your ankle clicks when you are trying to tip-toe – it sounds like a fucking gun shot. So when you shut a door, yes, it sounds like you slammed it.

                Say somehow you get all this way without making a sound. I don’t care if you’re tall or short, fat or skinny, whether you stand or sit. When you pee it sounds like you are pouring a cup of tea from the top of a ladder. When you flush it sounds like the cookie monster is gargling. And when you wash your hands it sounds like Wolverine is scratching a blackboard.

                Yeah, you might get lucky and not wake anyone up. But you still have to get back into your bed with those noisy ass springs. I lie to you not, it sounds like a five car smash when you get back into bed in the middle of the night. Oh, and you’re not comfortable? So you have to writhe around for 20 minutes like you are suffering a gunshot wound to the chest? While everyone else in the house is suffering insomnia and possible hearing damage. And if you sleep with someone in your bed they have no chance of staying asleep. Memory foam you say? I don’t buy it.

Break Up by Association

When we are dating someone it is almost inevitable that our friendship groups will mix. We will meet a lot of people. Some we will love, some we will hate, but it is undeniable that we will become friends with some of them – whether it is forced friendship or not.

                Whether you become friends with her friends, or with her friends’ boyfriends – there is no way that this friendship can end in a civil manner. Once a couple breaks up it is no longer acceptable for one half to be friends with the other half’s friends. As juvenile as it may sound, sides MUST be taken. If you become friends with your girlfriend’s best friend’s boyfriend, you better believe that when you and your girl break up he will be forbidden from seeing you. Any of her male or female friends that you thought you got along with well – they aren’t allowed to see you, talk about you, or even think about you. Any of those are ultimate acts of betrayal.

                I know some guys are reading this and it’s not making sense to them. “I’ll be friends with whoever the fuck I want to be friends with.” Oh contraire, tough guy. I’m afraid to say that it’s not your choice. Your ex now controls your extended social network. With pleasure.

                With relationships less serious than engagement, this occurrence may be linked to a petty act of revenge, jealousy, or straight up vindictiveness. However, when it comes to a divorce, the maturity level of the couple would be expected to prevent any of this juvenile activity. Well, sorry. The couples of friends will take care of the immaturity for you. Since they have been conditioned from the beginning of their relationship days not to be friends with friends’ exes, they will choose which half of the break up they will remain friends with. The couple will only choose one half, they cannot choose one person each – you know how unwritten rules work. They may even voice who they have chosen and apologize that they cannot keep in touch with the other anymore.

                This is a social convention rarely noticed and rarely spoken about, but often accepted. The funny thing about it is that the friend will obey the friendship rule blindly, but when it becomes sexually driven – the backstabbing begins.

Pet Peeve #10 – Oh and You Play Basketbal!?

My skills at throwing trash are not directly correlated with my skills on a basketball court. Nor are my skills at throwing screwed up napkins into cups. So if I do by chance miss from time to time the, “Oh and you play basketball?” comment would not be missed.

                Comments like these are comparable to telling people how to do their job. Unless you are indeed an expert, keep your mouth shut. And if for some reason you are an expert at throwing trash – I care not for your advice, as I have real goals.

                If you accidentally stutter as we all can at times, it is unlikely that I will say, “Oh and you’re a speech pathologist?” If you ask me if I want anything from the store and I say, “Yes! Baby cheeses!” and you bring back a little baby Jesus, I will not say, “Oh and you work at the drive-thru at McDonalds.” These examples don’t do it for me though. Excuse me while I think of something a little more relevant.

                Something a little more along the lines of the trash-basketball impasse might be if a mechanic was driving on a highway and broke down. He looks under the hood and comes to realize that he cannot do anything about the problem and consequently he calls AAA. His friend riding with him says, “I thought you were a mechanic.” Yes, he is a mechanic. And when he is at work he has tools, spare parts, a pit, and an ENTIRE WORKSHOP. The environment is totally different. Just like when I play basketball, I play on a hardwood court, with a size 7 ball filled with air and I aim it at a hoop 10 feet in the air. I’m not throwing an arbitrary object that can weigh something different every time at a different target every time. So it’s not the same. I would not even call the two alike.

                Stop questioning my athletic ability by judging my trash throwing skills. I do not work for the sanitation department, nor do I intend to.

Always There

I feel like Elmer Fudd. I’m chasing Bugs Bunny and he just keeps getting away. Sometimes the barrel of my shotgun will be pressed right up on his nose, but somehow he will escape. Am I a bad hunter? Or is Bugs just too slick for me?

                I see people with that girl or guy that they used to have something with and they just keep popping back into their lives. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? If you’re single you know you always have that one person you can call. If you’re in a relationship you know there is that one person that could ruin it at any time. But still, there is an utter refusal to banish these people from our lives. What is our obsession? Are we that desperately in need of a security blanket? Do we always need a plan B? To me it feels like plan B only distracts from plan A. However, if you only ever focus on doing one thing at a time, you will only ever do one thing. Is this fallback person an attempt to master the art of multi tasking?

                Why do we bother getting into relationships when we have this other person waiting somewhere? Why do we bury these people in the back of our minds and dig them up when it is convenient for us? Why do we refuse to acknowledge that our acts of selfishness are capable of hurting others more than we think? It could be a first love, it could be a first sexual partner, maybe a first kiss, but more often than not there is someone that will tell you they will always have feelings for you. You may reciprocate, you may not, but whatever you do in this situation is almost certainly the truth. If you say you will always have feelings, those feelings will never fade and you will allow the person you feel so deeply about to drift in and out of your life at their leisure. If you say you don’t feel this way, you will get so frustrated at them when they continue to pop up.

                Some of us are not as lucky as others. We stand alone without reciprocation as we deliver our heart and soul to our love interest. They treat us well but they do not feel the same. You wait for what seems like forever for your chance but it never comes. Is it the friend zone or is it something else? Is it better or worse than the friend zone? Do you remain optimistic and cling to a strange hope that you gave yourself, or do you give up? You know how strongly you feel about this person and how those feelings will never change. But you also know deep down that nothing will ever be made of it. What do you do? Do you continue to generate the false hope that you have generated for so long? Do you take comfort in hope? Or do you take closure in reality?

                No matter how great a hunter someone is, they will always meet their Bugs Bunny. That vision of rabbit stew will never quite become the meal you want it to be. While your target is always in sight, it is always just out of range. So do you choose to starve? Or do you hunt different game? Siwwy Wabbit.

Pet Peeve #9 – Feet Draggers

The sound it makes when people drag their feet is up there with the AHHH sound after a drink. Borderline unbearable. Unless there is a medical reason that you physically cannot lift your feet off the ground, it is unacceptable to drag your feet. Ever heard someone scratch a chalkboard? Or cut food too aggressively on their plate? These sounds are nauseating; the dragging of feet is on par.

                I am a sneaker fanatic. It is disrespectful to sneakers around the world when you murder their relatives by dragging them along the ground. How many shoes must be destroyed before we clean up our act? We wear holes in the bottom, we scuff them, we virtually end up looking like homeless people with the damage we do to our shoes by dragging our feet. It’s unforgiveable.

                If we get into the dangerous habit early in life it may become fatal when we grow older. Yes, I said it – fatal. While our bodies are in good shape, we should train our muscle memory to remember to how lift our feet, because once we begin to fall victim to old age and deteriorate – it could be a wrap. I have witnessed and heard of far too many elderly people falling and hurting themselves and sometimes even ending up in hospital. For some reason old people love rugs. Worst thing to have a passion for when you can’t lift your feet is rugs. It is an invitation to trip and fall. Do you want to be this grandparent? I don’t think so. Pick up your act, and pick up your feet.

                Feet draggers are often the people who we see trip on things that are invisible to the untrained eye. They have the ability to trip on the sidewalk if there is a random quarter-inch rise. They then proceed to attempt to save face by examining the sidewalk, their shoes, and checking to see if anyone saw them trip. I saw! The silent observer. The social assassin. I will always be there when you don’t quite lift your foot high enough for the next step and you fall UP the staircase. I will always be there when you think you tripped on your shoelace but it was really just a line painted on the ground. I will laugh quietly to myself while I shake my head if I am too far away, but if I am near enough to you, I will let you know what I saw and I will give you the advice that you did not ask for. Pick up your feet. Save yourself. Save society.

Facebook Official

In today’s society we hear a rumor and look at our online social networks for clarification. Is this the best way to confirm unknown information? I don’t think so.

                “Did you hear Rachel and Dave broke up?”
                “No! When did that happen?”
                “I don’t know, but they aren’t together on facebook anymore.”

                Facebook though? That’s the gospel now. If you aren’t facebook official, you aren’t in a real relationship – you’re probably just “seeing” each other. It is hard to believe that this is not only accepted by our generation, but encouraged. I asked my friend the other day how he and his girl were doing. He proceeded to tell me that they were alright, “Nothing serious though, it’s not like we’re facebook official.” Needless to say, I wanted to pull his teeth out.

                ‘Facebook official’ shouldn’t only be in regard to relationship status. Since facebook and twitter are now used therapeutically by people who think they have problems, people read depressing statuses and literally believe people might be ready to inflict self harm. Obviously there are some people out there who do need help. To those people, search somewhere other than social networks for help. And for people just seeking attention, with no real problems – take a second to think about what true disadvantaged people have to go through. They don’t have time to bitch and moan on social networks because they are trying to find food and shelter for the night. Put your ‘problems’ in perspective, if you are that desperate for attention – go act crazy in the mall or something. I promise people will watch.

                The true problem with facebook is that it is a relationship destroyer. Crazy, insecure, clingy, needy girlfriends want your password? Nope. That shit simply does not fly. When we refuse to give our password, the assumption is that we are cheating. However, it is only logical not to give out your password. If everyone was supposed to have access to our facebook profiles, we wouldn’t need passwords now would we?

                Once you are in a romantic relationship, every girl that posts on your wall is trying to fuck you. They are disrespecting the girl you are with by openly trying to talk to you by posting on your wall. They pose an instant threat by saying they miss you. And god-forbid they sign off with an ‘x’ – what a slut. If you reply, you intend to sleep with her. If you write back and sign off with an ‘x’ – you may as well have cheated on your girl.

                Delete a post from your wall and you are trying to hide something. Prepare for interrogation and hide all the sharp objects in the house. Post something on a girl’s wall – flee the country. Become friends with new females – you are basically running an escort service. Post or receive a VIDEO, call suicide watch. Call her work, call her parents, call her friends, find out where she is, make sure she is safe, put her in a padded room until the storm passes. You think that’s bad? I DARE you to like a picture. I. Dare. You.

We take facebook a little too seriously. People often post things as jokes. Our friends often jump on when we are not in the room and haze us. However, we believe everything we read like it’s fucking CNN. Relax and learn the difference between reality and virtual reality. If you have to ask, “Is he/she serious?” Then wait a minute before you believe it.