Same Plane

There are many traits that make us human. Our personalities are made up of a plethora of different factors, each running on their own spectrum. The ‘Big Five’ personality traits are; openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These are typically what we are measured on when we take personality tests. However, there is more to us than just the big five. If you look at all of us in terms of those traits on top of spirituality, sexuality, emotionality, mentality, physicality, intellect, curiosity, creativity, and ambition – we become quite a bit more complex. How rare is it to cross paths with someone whom we share similar points on the spectrum of all of these traits? And what happens when we do?

                Most of the people you associate yourself with will share many of these traits with you, but we are all individuals, so it is rare that you will share them all. We all develop our personality and character at different rates. A baseline is set early on in life, but we never cease learning, growing, and shaping who we are. Since this happens for everyone at different times/speeds, even if we meet someone we feel like we have everything in common with, that may not always be the case with that specific person. We have the ability to grow into and out of our relationships (romantic and platonic). But when you are lucky enough to meet someone on the same plane as you across all of your traits, that is a connection unparalleled.

                Our lives are filled with small talk, even when we see our best friends we have our conversational warm-up, “What’s goin’ on?” “How’s work/uni?” “How’s the girlfriend/boyfriend?” “What did you get up to on the weekend?” “What’s new?” There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not that these things don’t matter, but when you share more than just common interests you can have a real, deep, conversation with someone and truly get to know them. Debates turn into an understanding and respect of each other’s differences. Chats turn into meaningful, in-depth conversations. You don’t just learn someone’s favourite things, you connect and you have an honest conversation and you understand one another’s innermost qualities and profound characteristics. You share wisdom and become familiar with more than just the surface of this individual. These are the people you talk to for five hours and it feels like 10 minutes. These are the people you trust most to ask for advice. These are the people who energize you to be the best version of yourself.

Pet Peeve #42 – Fridge Foolishness

                Juice. Milk. Water. Any beverage.

                Chocolate bars. Leftovers. Margarine.

                Why leave one sip? One bite? Infinitesimal amounts of anything in the fridge? You couldn’t possibly handle another sip? You were that full and refused to waste that mashed potato? You didn’t want to throw out the container? As long as I search, as much as I try to understand, I simply cannot find the logic in this tomfoolery. Just scrape your plate off and put it in the dishwasher (or wash it in the sink). Just fill your cup up a little more (or take one more sip and then fill it up). Eat your goddamn chocolate bar which is designed for a single serve (or quit buying king sized). What is the point of filling the fridge, one of the best appliances, with miniscule servings of anything? You are destroying a thing of beauty. It is meant for storing meals, not for cooling crumbs. Sort it out.

The Check-In

We have created the “check-in” so that our partners don’t feel the need to “check-up”. In relationships there are boundaries. These boundaries must remain respectful and comfortable for both parties. Now we’ve all experienced or witnessed the badgering questions; “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “What are you doing?” “How late will you be?” “Why are you with them?” “When did you decide that?” And this type of interrogation can often lead to a bit of resentment, so we have created an alternate channel to keep respect and comfort in tact – “The check-in.”

                In this scenario, the person who is out and about makes the call or sends the text, “Hey sweetie, just finished dinner now headed out for drinks. Love you xx” This way the person who is at home doesn’t need to be ‘bad cop’ and slam their hands on the table throughout the interrogation. It appears as if the caller is volunteering this information freely with a little, “I’m still thinking about you!” attitude, making the partner at home comfortable and satisfied. Truthfully, there is still a little bit of, “I better send this text or else I’ll hear about it later.” in there.

                Each of these options is as bad as the other, since the person going out feels as if they will get punished if they do not comply. In the ideal world I would suggest a mutual respect within a relationship, where you understand that the rules change upon entering said relationship. You are no longer completely an individual; however you are also not completely enmeshed. Social plans with other couples will become a big thing, as will making plans together. However, that time away from each other to be with friends (maybe without the constant check-ins and with trust) is key.

Pet Peeve #41 – Slow Walkers

Trying to walk down the street, through the mall, down the aisle in the grocery store and having to stop and manoeuvre my way through this slow mess of traffic really winds me up. I’m not even just talking about the elderly who are unable to engage the thrusters. I’m talking about people my age who just wander about with their head in the clouds as if they’re lost. Surely there is some purpose for you to be here? There is something you want, yes? That’s why you’re in a store, correct? Surely there are better settings for an aimless walk? Because I know you’re not here for exercise, slow as you’re going you’re probably getting more unfit. And the ones on the sidewalk, I can kind of understand it. It’s a nice change of scenery, you’re out to soak it all in. But what about just shifting up a couple of gears and burning a few calories while you’re out? Two birds, people!

                This peeve escalates when the single slow walker becomes a group. And even more when this group travels in a straight line taking up the entire aisle or sidewalk. Is it intentional? Is this some kind of game you go out and play to frustrate others? Or are you like a school of fish, just unable to leave each other’s sides?

                This gets exponentially worse when it translates to your golf game. You can’t play bad, play slow, and walk slow! What is that about!? It’s Sunday! There’s obviously people behind you that want to get a sweet 18 in and you’ve ruined it by the third hole.

                There are some remote places where slow walking is accepted; around in circles in your ward at the funny farm, from the shore deeper and deeper into the ocean, off a cliff, or even through traffic.

                Happy walking!

Friends With Benefits

It sounds like a good idea when you’re horny, but just how practical is this type of relationship? It is hard, though not impossible, not to develop feelings for the person you are sleeping with – even if it is only for a bit of fun to start with. You presumably find them attractive and can tolerate being around them for a fairly substantial period of time – there could be worse baselines. However, let’s just think about this situation before we commit.

                The girl/boy next door. Oh, what a fantasy! Hottie moves in next door and you eye each other off constantly, get caught accidentally on purpose, change with the blinds open. Will they? Won’t they? What a wonderful time, cool, playful. Wow you’ve just realized how short the walk of shame is, it’s all coming up Milhouse! You can have a few too many drinks and walk home. What more could you ask for!? Well, you could ask why they haven’t been getting home until 3AM every morning this week (you know this because you’ve been staring at their empty parking space) – way to play it cool, casual, no strings attached.

                If your FWB is an actual friend first, prepare for eternal awkwardness. These situations are meant to be temporary, but how can that be so if you are in the same friendship group and always around each other? How can you maintain the casual nature of the relationship when you are surrounded by, “So what’s going on with you and [so and so]?” That makes you think and thinking is not what FWB relationships are for.

                It may make you feel dirty, but getting up and leaving once you’ve taken care of business will maintain some emotional separation. Sleeping over and cuddling and having breakfast – that’s all for real relationships, leave that to the pros. Now there was an important phrase there – emotional separation – this means there are boundaries. So if you see this person out on a date with someone else, you are not catching them. They are allowed to do things like this, because while they are in a FWB relationship, they are still single.

                Please, please, use contraception. As I said, you guys are both single in this situation. Nobody knows how many other partners there are, how dirty or clean they are, whether or not they are safe with the other ones. You don’t want a baby or a disease from the person you are meant to be staying emotionally detached from.

                If you manage to do all these things – congratulations, you’re probably still going to fall for them. Accept it for what it is and move on because naturally at least one of you is going to catch feelings. This could be good or bad depending on the situation, but if a real relationship isn’t what you’re after, lay ground rules out from day one and don’t hang on to it longer than what feels appropriate.

Pet Peeve #40 – Verbal Texting

Texting was designed to be a quick and easy form of communication. Over time it has evolved into a preferred form of communication. Instead of people texting a short, sharp, quick, and easy, “what u doin 2nite?” they use text to send epic messages about thoughts feelings and emotions that would more easily and efficiently be communicated through voice. Anyway, through this evolution of texting from ‘convenient’ to ‘preferred’ it has formed its own language.

                As you can see in my example text above, texting originated with minimal punctuation and grammatical rules so we could shoot of a message in a matter of seconds. To save time, we have developed an extensive lexicon of acronyms; lol, wtf, lmao, rofl, brb, g2g, just to name a few. But now that we would rather text each other than talk to each other, these acronyms have crept into our everyday language (without further research, I want to say that many of these have actually been published in some brands of dictionaries). I am having real conversations with real people in which I actually hear the phrases ‘lol,’ ‘brb,’ and ‘wtf,’ more than I care to publicly announce.

                “BRB, I need to pee.”

                “LOL.”

                “It was like, legit LOLs.”

                “WTF, that’s crazy.”

                Stop it.

First Time

In most cases, your first time having sex is a pretty nerve wracking experience. Guys and girls obviously have different things to think about, but I will just focus on what we all have in common. When you finally get to the point where you think you’re comfortable enough to go through with it, sometimes doubt can creep in; do I look OK? Am I doing this right? Is he/she comfortable? Is he/she enjoying this? Are they as awkward as I am? How long is this supposed to take? Am I too sweaty? Obviously not the best thoughts to be having. Ideally both parties would be relaxed and comfortable. But luckily it gets better.. Kind of..

                The more you have sex with this person, the more comfortable and confident you will both become. You will know each other better sexually and your chemistry will take care of most of it. However, the more partners you have sex with, the more first times you have to encounter. A new partner means new preferences, different chemistry and personality, varied levels of sweat gland activity. Can you be 100% yourself your first time in bed with someone? Some of you super-confident Casanovas will say yes – well congratulations, you are the exception to this rule.

                The first time with a new partner is like a first date. You aren’t likely to be 100% yourself. You will say and do things that you think they want to see and hear. You want this person to like you, so you say and do what you think they will like. No one is usually crazy, possessive, and abusive on a first date.. well, maybe crazy. But these are all things that potentially come out later to end a relationship. The first time in bed is no different. Let’s say you’re a girl who enjoys a bit of butt stuff, I highly doubt that during your first time with a new partner you whisper, ‘Put your pinky in my pooper.’ It takes time to get to the level of comfort where you and a sexual partner can talk about what you like, and find out a few things along the way.