Pet Peeve #15 – Autocorrect

Autocorrect thinks it’s smarter than me. Well it’s not. I know what I’m trying to type when I text, but Apple thinks it knows better than me. Well Apple, where is your fucking cancel button when sending a text? Because God knows I could use that about five times a day.

                I appreciate the increases and upgrades in technology, but when I text it is rare that I use proper English. It’s cool that it capitalizes names for me, punctuates when it needs to, but I can’t cope with entire words being replaced with a nonsensical 18^th Century words which have no place in my 21^st Century slang-filled sentences. I don’t even know what swensen means.

                On the other hand, autocorrect is a life saver when I am out drinking. There are now no more texts that say, “Tou knie I lobe ypu bsby!” Autocorrect can now change small decipherable errors into a string of words I don’t know the definitions to, “Sanitorium frippet isotope hydropneumatic activism.” Thanks again, Apple.

                No matter how much we hate autocorrect though, there is an obligation we cannot ignore, an obligation to leave autocorrect on. We need it. Without it we have fewer opportunities to stroke our egos. Autocorrect makes us feel good, it makes us feel smarter than artificial intelligence. When we switch it off we realize how stupid we really are. It corrects more than we think. I hate auto correct because when it sends words that I did not want to send I have to pull a little DIRTY DESPERADO to correct myself. And as if that is not enough, it is making our society increasingly incompetent, increasingly antisocial, and increasingly obnoxious. And Siri, even with your upgrade you suck at understanding my accent. Don’t discriminate.

Hypergamy

                Hypergamy is the act of seeking a spouse of higher socioeconomic status and ‘marrying up’ to a higher status. This can go male to female or female to male, but evolutionists have stated that females have developed through evolution a preference for higher status males because they offer greater genes and greater resources for reproduction.

                The confusing issue here is the ‘settling’ that the so-called greater half of the couple must reduce themselves to. Why is someone who is perceived with such greatness in our society settling for less than they can have? Is it a below average sense of self-worth? I don’t think this is a question that can be answered without directly asking someone in this situation – which would be so rude, I mean like stereotypical mean girl movie rude.

                Another issue which I think goes alongside hypergamy is what I like to call careerin’. Careerin’ is when I see a couple walking together and one is way too good looking to be with the other. I call it careerin’ because there is no way in this world they should be together unless the ugly one has a job that makes his/her unfortunate looks forgivable. It is just crazy to me that someone would marry a person who they literally struggle to look at, just to marry up into a higher socioeconomic status. Materialism today is testing our values as a society and the scores are making us look less civilized than a pack of wild dogs. What’s next? Cannibalism?

Pet Peeve #14 – Blind Waving

Why is it that when we see someone we have an automatic compulsion to wave? Even if they aren’t looking at us our arm flings up involuntarily like a Jim Carrey comedy. I can’t stand it.

                When I am the wave receiver there is a good chance that I won’t be looking. It is likely that I am on a mission or interacting with other people. I don’t generally go out without a purpose, so why wave at me if I’m not looking? You can’t be mad for not getting any wave reciprocity. And if I get a text that says, “Thanks for waving back L” I might delete your number. Make sure there has been definite eye contact before waving. I’m talking alley-oop eye contact.

                When I am the wave giver I find it incredibly hard to forgive myself. Standing at 6 feet and 7 inches tall, people see me wave. All of the people, except the person I was waving at. So when I take down my hand and scratch the back of my head trying to fool everyone like I wasn’t waving – I look like a giant moron.

                What is this compulsion to wave anyway? Are we rude if we don’t wave? If we haven’t made eye contact, should we have been looking for you? What level of friendship do we have to be on before the waving begins? I say we eradicate waving from non-verbal communication. Once we rid ourselves of waves, we rid ourselves of the stressful responsibility of ‘polite’ reciprocation and we rid ourselves of the embarrassment that may follow if we are not seen by our target.

Microwave Society

Today we want everything to be instant, especially our generation. We buy our salads in bags, we get our news on Twitter, and we have 2 minute noodles and 3 minute rice and complain about the wait, we expect something for nothing.

                We are all idealists while we are young. Some of us grow out of this and become realists, but it seems that an increasing number of us are not making the shift from idealism to realism. We all reach for the stars; we have eyes for the road to riches, a big house with nice cars, fame and all the shiny things that go with it. We just don’t want to work for any of it.

                As we become more self-centered, materialistic, and greedy, we also become increasingly impatient. We can’t all be lottery winners. We can’t all be famous actors. And we can’t all be sports icons. So why are the people who get into these positions so dissatisfied? Greed.

                Being an athlete myself, and an amateur athlete at that. The dream is to become a professional and be paid to do what I love. I can’t even imagine getting 100K a year to play a sport. 1M a year is unbelievable. But then we witness lockouts in two professional sports in one year, both salary related. I understand that once you get out of school it is your profession and you need to do what is best for your family, but when you are making more money than you can spend, more money than regular people would ever dream of, where is the line between the love of the game and the hunger for more material things?

                Kids who were stars in college make it to the big time and they are suddenly not the stars of their professional teams. Instead of working hard to climb the hierarchy, they sulk like babies who have not been given what they cried for. This is a perfect example of people not wanting to work for rewards. Something makes us think we deserve the world. The world which others before us built.

                This applies to anything in life. If you want it, go get it. Take it. Work for it. Get it yourself. Do what you have to do to deserve it. Your world will not be given to you, you have to earn it. We are all given a path, follow yours. It will not be direct, there will be obstacles and adversities along the way, but no one said it was going to be easy, so why do you expect it to be. The year is now 2012. If 2011 derailed you, get back on track. You will get where you are supposed to be if you put the right amount of work in. And then some.

                Happy New Year.

Pet Peeve #13 - Just In Case

                I am not mentally disabled. You do not have superpowers. So why do people act like either of these could be an option?

                If I am with a group of people and I try to open a door to a house, car, room, or anything of the sort, and it is locked – why is it that someone else who also does not have a key thinks that if they try the door will open for them? Odds are that I tried to push and pull. I tried to turn the knob both ways. I tried a little jimmy – the door is just locked. But there is always that friend that watched you fail to open the door. That friend who will push past you to give it a try themselves. That keyless friend who will try to use his powers to open the door. What are you the kings of the doors? The doormeister?

                This same person will stand next to you while you wait for an elevator. They will watch you press the button. They will watch the button light up. But their simple, impatient ass will still press the button again just to make sure the elevator is coming.

                When you want to cross a road and you press the button, this friend will see and hear the button get pressed. The traffic however, still has a green light. So of course your friend has to press the button again. Not once. Not twice. But infinite times. And yes, I understand that 29 seconds feels like a long wait, but I can wait until my little green man shows up. My friend, after pressing the button so much that it needs replacing, will still J-walk. Sometimes I hope this friend gets a friendly little ticket from a police officer.

Meeting Places

Where we meet someone can be a crucial part of a first impression. We can learn a lot about someone from where we meet them, and they can learn a lot about us. Is this a problem? I don’t think so. I think it is just a healthy insight into an individual’s personality, socioeconomic status, or interests. They say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” And I completely agree. This is just a general expectation you can get of someone from where you meet them.

                Museum
                If you meet someone here there is a good chance they are cultured. They are curious and wondrous. They have an appreciation for both the simple and complex things in life. They like to think of themselves as intelligent individuals. They are probably accepting of people from all walks of life. Their curiosity has the potential to get the best of them in relationships, as they may wonder who else you are talking to. Their appreciation however, allows them to be relatively laid back. Their intelligence may at times lead them to be argumentative, which will allow you and them to learn a lot about each other.

                Grocery Store
                They are independent (as long as they are not shopping with Mommy). If you happen to catch a glimpse in their cart you can find out a lot more. A lot of raw ingredients? It can be assumed that they know their way around the kitchen. They are adventurous and enjoy different cuisines and the task of attempting to cook them themselves. No meat? Vegetarian… If that’s what you’re into. A lot of Easy-Mac? Lazy. Microwave meals for our microwave society. Everything needs to be instant. They probably do not understand the meaning behind the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

                Bar (Night)
                Fun loving and social. Do not really enjoy their own company. Social status is important to them – they like to be “known”. Can you trust someone you meet in a bar? Probably not. There is every chance that there is someone else at home or on the other end of a text. It’s hard to have a conversation in there so you have to judge them a lot on body language, dancing, and appearance. Such a superficial environment, fine for one night stands but I wouldn’t recommend searching for love in there.

                Bar (Day)
                Fun loving and social. Enjoys a good meal and probably a drink or two. Probably talkative. Depending on the bar – they are possibly a sports fan. You can learn a lot about these people because they like to talk. They are up for a little bit of early self-disclosure, nothing too deep, but enough to figure out whether you want to get to know them more. Probably have a good taste in music, a similar taste in music to you since you are in the same bar.

                School
                Fun loving and intelligent. There is such a large mix of people at school that it is not as easy to make judgments at a glance. Location of school can say a lot. Their major can say a lot. And where on campus you see them can say a lot. The gym says something different than the library. In class says something different than at a party. This is more of a random environment; where you could meet your true love, or a bitch with herpes. It’s a gamble, and gambling is a dangerous addiction.

                I’m not telling you to go to museums and bars at day time. I’m just saying these are some generalizations that I have come up with about people who you meet at certain places. Do what you like with this information, which by the way has not been studied, so to people complaining to me about my ambiguity and sexism. Relax its entertainment. And I know you like it, that’s why you keep coming back ;)

Pet Peeve #12 - Hold-On Talkers

When I call and ask for someone, common sense should tell you that I want to talk to who I asked for, not to whoever answered the phone. People have a habit of turning the phone call into their own. It makes calling your house a chore. Its okay to make a little small talk while you search for the person the phone call was actually intended for, but it becomes obvious when you have taken a seat in a recliner and jacked the phone call.

                “Hello, Dave speaking.”
                “Hi Dave, its John. Is Fred there?”
                “Sure, hold on… Anyway, how have you been?”

                You get the picture.

                Now Fred gets mad at me because I never return his calls. The truth is that I want to call him back, but his housemate, Dave, is too much to deal with. I officially never want to hear Dave’s voice again. Dave’s phone etiquette it below par to say the least. If I wanted to talk to Dave, the above dialogue would go quite differently:

                “Hello, Dave speaking.”
                “Dave! Just the man I wanted to talk to! How are you?”
                “Great! What can I do ya for?”

                Etc.

                I know a few of you reading this are in Dave’s shoes and you think you are just being friendly. But as I said, there is a line between a little small talk during your search for Fred and phone jacking. Just find Fred and put him on the phone. I’ll talk to you another time, Dave.